So, where were we when last we met? Oh yes, gunfight in the CIC while multiple nukes streaked toward the Cylon base and the Galactica. Let’s go from there.
BOOM! Multiple nuclear impacts on the Cylon base and it’s chaos. Cavil decides that he’s not going to be taken alive and eats a bullet. With the rest of the bad Cylons disposed of and the Cylon base exploding all around them, Adama feels now is a good time to pull out of the base and get out of there. Due to the damage to the ship from the explosion, Starbuck is the only one near the FTL. When asked where to jump to, Adama tells her to jump anywhere that isn’t where they are.
She is then struck by a notion. Earlier in the season, she had assigned numbers to the notes of the Cylon battle song, aka “All Along the Watchtower”. She then types those numbers into the FTL and hits enter. The Galactica then jumps to those coordinates and all is not well. It looks like that place will become their home, since the Galactica starts to buck and all but breaks apart. We are then treated with probably the best shot in the history of the show.
We pan from the Galactica to a surface that looks distinctly like the Moon and suddenly see, as plain as day, Earth. Or, in this case, our version of Earth. Holy shit, they found Earth!!!! Wait a minute; I thought Earth was a barren, post-apocalyptic wasteland. Well, you see, it seems as if the Earth they originally found was their original home planet, while this Earth is much like it, yet completely different. Thoroughly confused yet? Good.
Anyway, Adama sends a Raptor to the rendezvous point that “Admiral” Hoshi led the Colonial fleet and brought them back to this new and improved Earth, now free of nuclear waste. So, they land and survey the territory. Looks as if the people are extremely primitive, traveling in packs by foot with spears. Anyway, this is now home. And here endth the show. Wait, what do you mean there’s more? Oh crap, we still have 20 minutes left.
To wrap things up, the Centurions are cut loose to go wherever they want while Adama slaves the whole fleet to the Galactica and has Sam fly it all into the Sun. You see, Lee decides that technology is bad and they should live in the wide-open expanse of the land, and not be encumbered by massive cities and whatnot. They plan to move people to all corners of the Earth and populate the planet and breed prejudice against machines.
We catch up on some of the survivors. Tyrol is going to go to a cold, lonely island up north so he can be alone with himself. Helo (oh my God, he’s alive!) and Athena are walking (him with a cane) with Hera. Six and Baltar decide to go start a farm together.
We go down to the plains and see Adama and Roslin watching the wild life. Roslin looks like she’s going to die at any minute. I think Adama notices this too since he asks if she would like a closer look. He carries her into the Raptor and says goodbye to both Lee and Starbuck.
Starbuck then tells Lee that she will be leaving shortly too. He goes into some long rant about something or other and turns around and she’s disappeared (probably couldn’t take is babbling anymore). So, I’m still trying to figure out what she actually was. There are just too many possibilities. Of course, Ronald Moore said in an interview that he wasn’t sure either. I’m not sure if I should be pissed off about that or not.
In the Raptor, as they are flying over the wildlife, Roslin silently passes away. Adama pretty much loses it and slips his wedding ring onto her hand. At this point, myself and Seamus (some 300 miles away) both realize our respective living rooms are a tad dusty. Anyway, Adama finds a place to land and goes about to build the perfect log cabin that they had talked about on New Caprica.
We then close in on little Hera and the ground she is walking on. Then, we flash-forward 150,000 years and see writer/executive producer Ronald Moore reading a newspaper and here the news the a body of a girl was found in Africa and is about 150,000 years old, the oldest body ever found. Then the apparitions of Baltar and Six start to talk about how far mankind has come but yet look to be on the same path as previously (it’s all happened before, it’ll all happen again). They feel that man can still save itself, as they haven’t gone down the road yet. We close in on a TV screen in a store window that shows us all the great things being done with robots while we hear a more modern version of “All Along the Watchtower”. We then see them both walking together and blending into the crowd of people walking the streets. Fade to black.
I know that there are so many people who want to beat the crap out of this ending. In fact, if they had ended it with when they first landed on Earth and we found out it was our Earth, just thousands of years in the past; I would have been cool with that. The problem is the tacked on ending felt, well, tacked on.
It seemed like an unnecessary finish and wanted to tie the whole thing up in a neat little package. The best part of this show was the fact that it flew off in all directions and kept you guessing. The minute they saw Earth, I knew all was well and the journey had been about something. They had not only found home, but their second chance. A way to save humanity and not fall into the same trappings that destroyed them in the first place.
The very end with Baltar and Six was overkill as they shoved religion down our throats (but seriously, the show had religious overtones throughout). That said, I liked the fact that we saw just how mankind had evolved and that, while on the same road as others, we still have our freewill in all this. That, combined with a little luck, will mean we won’t befall the same fate as our “ancestors”.
One of the best moments in the whole series was when they found Earth. Moore suckered us all at the end of last season by giving us the barren wasteland of Earth. Shock and awe was pretty much my reaction. It all makes sense now. They were searching for their Earth and, in the end, found a new version of it. Sweet wrap-up to the series.
Seamus, while less than enthralled, enjoyed the finale. He thought the space battle was the best in the series. I will debate that it finishes second to the battle of Galactica and Pegasus against the Basestars above New Caprica in “Crossroads”. He thought the ending was crap and didn’t need to be there. Even invoked the finale of Star Trek Voyager to make his argument. The Duchess, on the other hand, felt the final moments were too preachy. Seriously, I can’t debate her on that.
Here’s the thing, the finale did what the show always did. He pushed the envelope, stayed true to itself, and caused a lot of people to start talking. That’s what the show was always about to me, and that’s why it was great. I think my major gripe was the fact that the show had to end and with such a thin plot point. You want to have a final Cylon/human showdown, I’m all for it, but it shouldn’t be over one little girl. So, I give it 4 out of 5 stars, and eagerly await Caprica and the TV movie The Plan.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Battlestar Galactica Finale Review - Part 1
Man, it’s been a long time, but I needed to find something to write about. When the series finale of one of the best sci-fi shows ever gets aired, that’s a recipe for an entry. For those of you who have been living in a cave with your eyes shut and your fingers in your ears for the past few weeks, the finale of Battlestar Galactica aired last Friday and I’m going to run it down for you.
To start off, I wanted to see three things. I wanted to get an explanation as to why Baltar sees Six in his head, what the hell is up with Starbuck, and I wanted to see Daniel get unboxed by the Cylons and have it turn out to be Dirk Benedict. Well, two out of three ain’t bad.
So the show starts up where we left off, people picking sides on who is going to risk life and limb to rescue a little girl from a near impenetrable Cylon fortress. No offense, but are you seriously going to risk humanity for one Cylon/human hybrid? I guess the answer is yes since Adama promotes Hoshi to Admiral (seriously, Hoshi?!?!) and takes off. The plan is simple. Jump to the one spot that jumping is allowed and open fire. In order to survive past five minutes, Sam is going to use some weird Cylon trick to stop the guns from firing by confusing the hybrids or something. I was a little lost at that point.
So, the Galactica jumps in and all hell breaks loose. Point blank slugfest between the Galactica and the Cylon base. Raptors launch to the other side of the base to land and penetrate the base. After what seems like forever, Sam uses his mumbo-jumbo to silence the Cylon guns. Galactica launches its fighters and then rams the base, as yet another entry into the base to rescue Hera. This kid better shit gold or something for all the trouble they are going to.
Inside the Cylon base (I need a nickname for this thing, like Fortress Toaster or something), Boomer has finally snapped and has absconded with Hera, as a way to make up for kidnapping her, cracking her mom upside the head, banging her dad, nearly crippling Galactica, and handing Hera over for experimentation. Yeah, all is forgiven. Anyway, she finds the rescue team, hands the kid over, we get a cool flashback to Boomer’s early days as a pilot, and Athena riddles her with bullets.
Finally, the Cylons have had enough and start to storm the Galactica. Now, Baltar and Six are hunkered down in one of the corridors as some line defense against this eventuality, and we get to see the good doctor waving a gun around. While sitting there, we learn that Six also sees an apparition, except it’s of Baltar. Talk about freaky.
Anyway, the rescue crew brings Hera aboard and Helo immediately gets shot in the leg. He tells his wife to let him bleed out and protect their kid. Of course, she doesn’t listen and the kid just takes off. Once they figure out that Hera is gone, they fall back letting Helo to die, on the floor of the Galactica (or so we think).
Then, it what seems like destiny (since we’ve seen the Opera House dream enough times), Baltar and Six find the kid and take her to the CIC, while Athena and Roslin chase them down. This is the point that Cavil shows up and puts the gun to Hera’s head and wants to take her back.
The Final 5 (minus Sam who is catatonic in a pool of goo) make a deal. They get Hera back and they give the Cylons the secret to resurrection. In order to do this, Chief, Saul, Ellen, and Tory all need to dip their hands in the goo that Sam is in, since all five need to put the information together. Now here’s the thing, when doing this, you get to see into the mind of the other four.
Instead of getting some Cinemax After Dark by seeing the various misdeeds of Ellen, we get to see Tory killing the Chief’s wife. Oops. He doesn’t take it lightly and decides to strangle Tory. God bless him. However, this cuts off the download of resurrection to the Cylons and they get mildly annoyed.
Cavil does his best Admiral Ackbar impression by screaming “It’s a trap” and the gun fire starts up again in the CIC. It’s around this time that we remember the Raptor that got tagged earlier. Earlier, a raptor had been flying outside the Cylon base and had armed their nukes before something crashed through the windshield and killed them all. Well, gravity took hold and the pilots hand accidently hit the launch button and the nukes went streaking toward the base.
And just for fun, I’m ending this there. Why? Because I’m tired of typing and I don’t want this to be some massive entry. So tomorrow I’ll come back and fill you in on the end of the battle and what happens next. Plus, my own analysis, with guest quotes from Seamus and the Duchess. It’s fun for the whole family. Until tomorrow.
To start off, I wanted to see three things. I wanted to get an explanation as to why Baltar sees Six in his head, what the hell is up with Starbuck, and I wanted to see Daniel get unboxed by the Cylons and have it turn out to be Dirk Benedict. Well, two out of three ain’t bad.
So the show starts up where we left off, people picking sides on who is going to risk life and limb to rescue a little girl from a near impenetrable Cylon fortress. No offense, but are you seriously going to risk humanity for one Cylon/human hybrid? I guess the answer is yes since Adama promotes Hoshi to Admiral (seriously, Hoshi?!?!) and takes off. The plan is simple. Jump to the one spot that jumping is allowed and open fire. In order to survive past five minutes, Sam is going to use some weird Cylon trick to stop the guns from firing by confusing the hybrids or something. I was a little lost at that point.
So, the Galactica jumps in and all hell breaks loose. Point blank slugfest between the Galactica and the Cylon base. Raptors launch to the other side of the base to land and penetrate the base. After what seems like forever, Sam uses his mumbo-jumbo to silence the Cylon guns. Galactica launches its fighters and then rams the base, as yet another entry into the base to rescue Hera. This kid better shit gold or something for all the trouble they are going to.
Inside the Cylon base (I need a nickname for this thing, like Fortress Toaster or something), Boomer has finally snapped and has absconded with Hera, as a way to make up for kidnapping her, cracking her mom upside the head, banging her dad, nearly crippling Galactica, and handing Hera over for experimentation. Yeah, all is forgiven. Anyway, she finds the rescue team, hands the kid over, we get a cool flashback to Boomer’s early days as a pilot, and Athena riddles her with bullets.
Finally, the Cylons have had enough and start to storm the Galactica. Now, Baltar and Six are hunkered down in one of the corridors as some line defense against this eventuality, and we get to see the good doctor waving a gun around. While sitting there, we learn that Six also sees an apparition, except it’s of Baltar. Talk about freaky.
Anyway, the rescue crew brings Hera aboard and Helo immediately gets shot in the leg. He tells his wife to let him bleed out and protect their kid. Of course, she doesn’t listen and the kid just takes off. Once they figure out that Hera is gone, they fall back letting Helo to die, on the floor of the Galactica (or so we think).
Then, it what seems like destiny (since we’ve seen the Opera House dream enough times), Baltar and Six find the kid and take her to the CIC, while Athena and Roslin chase them down. This is the point that Cavil shows up and puts the gun to Hera’s head and wants to take her back.
The Final 5 (minus Sam who is catatonic in a pool of goo) make a deal. They get Hera back and they give the Cylons the secret to resurrection. In order to do this, Chief, Saul, Ellen, and Tory all need to dip their hands in the goo that Sam is in, since all five need to put the information together. Now here’s the thing, when doing this, you get to see into the mind of the other four.
Instead of getting some Cinemax After Dark by seeing the various misdeeds of Ellen, we get to see Tory killing the Chief’s wife. Oops. He doesn’t take it lightly and decides to strangle Tory. God bless him. However, this cuts off the download of resurrection to the Cylons and they get mildly annoyed.
Cavil does his best Admiral Ackbar impression by screaming “It’s a trap” and the gun fire starts up again in the CIC. It’s around this time that we remember the Raptor that got tagged earlier. Earlier, a raptor had been flying outside the Cylon base and had armed their nukes before something crashed through the windshield and killed them all. Well, gravity took hold and the pilots hand accidently hit the launch button and the nukes went streaking toward the base.
And just for fun, I’m ending this there. Why? Because I’m tired of typing and I don’t want this to be some massive entry. So tomorrow I’ll come back and fill you in on the end of the battle and what happens next. Plus, my own analysis, with guest quotes from Seamus and the Duchess. It’s fun for the whole family. Until tomorrow.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Random TV Thoughts
Here are some random TV thoughts I’ve had over the past week.
1) Does ABC’s Wednesday night line-up have a fascination with the 1970’s? I mean, you have Life on Mars on at 10, and now the gang from Lost has finally stopped hopping through time….in the 1970’s. Wouldn’t the clothes, Carter, and Watergate make us all want to pretend the 70’s never happened?
2) Speaking of ABC, I give up already!!! You’ve beaten me down with enough ads for Castle that I’m willing the check it out but only if you stop running the ads. I mean, that’s how you got me into Life on Mars (not too bad, as long as you lobotomize yourself so you forget the British version). How about you start showing me ads for Cupid, because I want to see that.
3) The Duchess was randomly flipping through the channels this weekend and she came across some The Soup rip-off called The Dish on some obscure cable channel I can’t remember. After about a second, I busted out with “Holy Crap, that’s Topanga Lawrence!” With Cory Matthews showing up in Chuck and Rider Strong popping up in an episode of Bones, it seems like the kids from Boy Meets World are finally taking the world by storm. All we need is that kid who played Minkus to pop up in an episode of NCIS and all will be right with the world.
4) Speaking of Duchess related channel surfing, she came across the show 17 Kids and Counting, about a family that doesn’t believe in birth control or naming a kid without the letter J. Anyway, one of the kids was getting married to some skirt and they said that they were “saving themselves for marriage”. You know what, I was glad. I think more kids should at least wait until a long lasting committed relationship before jumping into bed. Then they dropped the bomb.
You see, they aren’t only waiting until they get married for sex, but also to kiss. No, seriously. These two kids haven’t even kissed one another. They feel it will be more meaningful if they wait until they are married. Huh? So, I turned to the Duchess and asked her how she would have felt if I told her I didn’t want to kiss her until after we were married. Sketchy, strange, and a little off-putting would have been her thoughts (and who could blame her). I’m still flabbergasted by this. I just can’t wrap my head around it.
5) Reaper premiered this week, well ahead of when they actually announced it would premiere. It’s like the Head of Programming at the CW used to work for FOX. Anyway, at the end of the episode, when the Devil is waiting for Sam to leave his job, he’s sitting there on his Trans-Am and “You’re the Best” by Joe Esposito is blaring from the stereo.
For those of you not “in the know”, that is the song that is playing during the All-Valley Karate Tournament montage in “Karate Kid”. Also, it’s a quintessential 80’s song. I was starting to get pumped, and then I remembered the part when Daniel beat Dutch. There is no way Dutch loses to Daniel. That completely ruined the movie.
1) Does ABC’s Wednesday night line-up have a fascination with the 1970’s? I mean, you have Life on Mars on at 10, and now the gang from Lost has finally stopped hopping through time….in the 1970’s. Wouldn’t the clothes, Carter, and Watergate make us all want to pretend the 70’s never happened?
2) Speaking of ABC, I give up already!!! You’ve beaten me down with enough ads for Castle that I’m willing the check it out but only if you stop running the ads. I mean, that’s how you got me into Life on Mars (not too bad, as long as you lobotomize yourself so you forget the British version). How about you start showing me ads for Cupid, because I want to see that.
3) The Duchess was randomly flipping through the channels this weekend and she came across some The Soup rip-off called The Dish on some obscure cable channel I can’t remember. After about a second, I busted out with “Holy Crap, that’s Topanga Lawrence!” With Cory Matthews showing up in Chuck and Rider Strong popping up in an episode of Bones, it seems like the kids from Boy Meets World are finally taking the world by storm. All we need is that kid who played Minkus to pop up in an episode of NCIS and all will be right with the world.
4) Speaking of Duchess related channel surfing, she came across the show 17 Kids and Counting, about a family that doesn’t believe in birth control or naming a kid without the letter J. Anyway, one of the kids was getting married to some skirt and they said that they were “saving themselves for marriage”. You know what, I was glad. I think more kids should at least wait until a long lasting committed relationship before jumping into bed. Then they dropped the bomb.
You see, they aren’t only waiting until they get married for sex, but also to kiss. No, seriously. These two kids haven’t even kissed one another. They feel it will be more meaningful if they wait until they are married. Huh? So, I turned to the Duchess and asked her how she would have felt if I told her I didn’t want to kiss her until after we were married. Sketchy, strange, and a little off-putting would have been her thoughts (and who could blame her). I’m still flabbergasted by this. I just can’t wrap my head around it.
5) Reaper premiered this week, well ahead of when they actually announced it would premiere. It’s like the Head of Programming at the CW used to work for FOX. Anyway, at the end of the episode, when the Devil is waiting for Sam to leave his job, he’s sitting there on his Trans-Am and “You’re the Best” by Joe Esposito is blaring from the stereo.
For those of you not “in the know”, that is the song that is playing during the All-Valley Karate Tournament montage in “Karate Kid”. Also, it’s a quintessential 80’s song. I was starting to get pumped, and then I remembered the part when Daniel beat Dutch. There is no way Dutch loses to Daniel. That completely ruined the movie.
Friday, February 20, 2009
Top 5 Most Inappropriate Strip Club Songs
You know, I was listing to my iPod on the train this morning and a song popped up. The song is number 1 on this list and inspired me to write this entry. You’ll realize why once you get to it.
Anyway, the only criteria for the songs is that they needed to be released (or else “Sleep” by Stabbing Westward would have been number 1, think “Janine’s Got a Gun” without the gun), it needs to have a song that would actually be played at a strip club if it wasn’t for the inappropriate lyrics, and it needs to have been released in the last 17 years (random number, but needed it to fit number 2 on the list). Anyway, here we go:
5) "Never Again"
Artist: Nickelback
Random lyric: “He’s drunk again, it’s time to fight. Same old shit just on a different night. She grabs the gun, she’s had enough.”
Rant: You have to think that even a coked out DJ at some sleazy strip club would have enough sense not to play a song about domestic abuse. Most of these girls probably came from a home like this. Do you really want “Destiny” to breakdown while working the pole?
4) "Break Stuff"
Artist: Limp Bizket
Random lyric: “I pack a chainsaw. I’ll skin your ass raw. And if my day keeps going this way, I just might break your fucking face tonight.”
Rant: Think about it, do you really want some stripper to hear this Ode to Ass Kicking playing when some guy is letting his hands wander where they shouldn’t be? Some drunken businessman might end up with a stiletto heel lodged in his chest. I’m not saying it’s a bad thing, but it’s just one more fluid that the poor janitor will have to clean up.
3) "Last Resort"
Artist: Papa Roach
Random lyric: “Don’t give a fuck if I cut my arm bleeding. Would it be wrong, would it be right, if I took my life tonight. Chances are that I might. Mutilation outta sight. And I’m contemplating suicide.”
Rant: Seriously, you want this song playing in a place where half the girls are probably on the ledge? I would think this job has the highest rate of cutters, if it wasn’t for the fact that it would be hard to conceal. Most of these girls probably want to kill themselves because no little girl dreams of growing up to be a stripper (unless your last name is Kardashian).
2) "Sex Type Thing"
Artist: Stone Temple Pilots
Random lyric: “I said “I wanna get next to you.” I said “I gotta get close to you.” You wouldn’t want me, have to hurt you too, hurt you too.”
Rant: Here’s a story for you. I used to go see this cover band play because a friend of mine knew the members. After the first few songs, the crowd really wasn’t into it. Then, they played this song and the crowd started dancing, singing, and have a generally good time. I turned to my friend and said “Nothing like a song about date rape to get a crowd going.”
1) "Prison Sex"
Artist: Tool
Random Lyric: “Won’t you come a bit closer, close enough so I can smell you. I need you to feel this. I need this to make me whole. There’s release in this sodomy.”
Rant: Nothing like a song about child abuse and sodomy to get into the mood. This gets number 1 mainly for the fact that I have a story that this was actually played in a strip club. Here’s the story.
My roommate Steinmetz and I were in our room, both doing work with music on in the background. Anyway, this song comes on and he starts giggling. I ask him what’s so funny and the following conversation takes place:
Steinmetz: Oh, I was in a strip club this summer and I heard this song.
Me: Seriously?
Steinmetz: Yup. I thought it was completely inappropriate, but no one else seemed to notice.
Me: What were you doing in a strip club? That’s not your scene.
Steinmetz: Oh, one of my old high school friends told me that this uppity bitch we went to school with worked there. I went to see her. I brought my yearbook. I was going to get her to sign it.
Me: Did you?
Steinmetz: No, it was her night off.
Me: Did you ever go back?
Steinmetz: No, that place was a little sketchy.
After a second:
Steinmetz: Wanna go now?
Sometimes I miss college.
Anyway, the only criteria for the songs is that they needed to be released (or else “Sleep” by Stabbing Westward would have been number 1, think “Janine’s Got a Gun” without the gun), it needs to have a song that would actually be played at a strip club if it wasn’t for the inappropriate lyrics, and it needs to have been released in the last 17 years (random number, but needed it to fit number 2 on the list). Anyway, here we go:
5) "Never Again"
Artist: Nickelback
Random lyric: “He’s drunk again, it’s time to fight. Same old shit just on a different night. She grabs the gun, she’s had enough.”
Rant: You have to think that even a coked out DJ at some sleazy strip club would have enough sense not to play a song about domestic abuse. Most of these girls probably came from a home like this. Do you really want “Destiny” to breakdown while working the pole?
4) "Break Stuff"
Artist: Limp Bizket
Random lyric: “I pack a chainsaw. I’ll skin your ass raw. And if my day keeps going this way, I just might break your fucking face tonight.”
Rant: Think about it, do you really want some stripper to hear this Ode to Ass Kicking playing when some guy is letting his hands wander where they shouldn’t be? Some drunken businessman might end up with a stiletto heel lodged in his chest. I’m not saying it’s a bad thing, but it’s just one more fluid that the poor janitor will have to clean up.
3) "Last Resort"
Artist: Papa Roach
Random lyric: “Don’t give a fuck if I cut my arm bleeding. Would it be wrong, would it be right, if I took my life tonight. Chances are that I might. Mutilation outta sight. And I’m contemplating suicide.”
Rant: Seriously, you want this song playing in a place where half the girls are probably on the ledge? I would think this job has the highest rate of cutters, if it wasn’t for the fact that it would be hard to conceal. Most of these girls probably want to kill themselves because no little girl dreams of growing up to be a stripper (unless your last name is Kardashian).
2) "Sex Type Thing"
Artist: Stone Temple Pilots
Random lyric: “I said “I wanna get next to you.” I said “I gotta get close to you.” You wouldn’t want me, have to hurt you too, hurt you too.”
Rant: Here’s a story for you. I used to go see this cover band play because a friend of mine knew the members. After the first few songs, the crowd really wasn’t into it. Then, they played this song and the crowd started dancing, singing, and have a generally good time. I turned to my friend and said “Nothing like a song about date rape to get a crowd going.”
1) "Prison Sex"
Artist: Tool
Random Lyric: “Won’t you come a bit closer, close enough so I can smell you. I need you to feel this. I need this to make me whole. There’s release in this sodomy.”
Rant: Nothing like a song about child abuse and sodomy to get into the mood. This gets number 1 mainly for the fact that I have a story that this was actually played in a strip club. Here’s the story.
My roommate Steinmetz and I were in our room, both doing work with music on in the background. Anyway, this song comes on and he starts giggling. I ask him what’s so funny and the following conversation takes place:
Steinmetz: Oh, I was in a strip club this summer and I heard this song.
Me: Seriously?
Steinmetz: Yup. I thought it was completely inappropriate, but no one else seemed to notice.
Me: What were you doing in a strip club? That’s not your scene.
Steinmetz: Oh, one of my old high school friends told me that this uppity bitch we went to school with worked there. I went to see her. I brought my yearbook. I was going to get her to sign it.
Me: Did you?
Steinmetz: No, it was her night off.
Me: Did you ever go back?
Steinmetz: No, that place was a little sketchy.
After a second:
Steinmetz: Wanna go now?
Sometimes I miss college.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Why Joss Whedon's "Dollhouse" Will Fail
A couple of weeks ago when I did my New and Premiering of 2009 entry, Seamus shot me an email, a little shocked that I had forgotten Dollhouse, the new show from Joss Whedon. As we are both Whedon fan-boys, he figured it would be near the top of the list. However my enthusiasm has been tempered by one fact alone: Dollhouse will fail.
The writing for this is on the wall. It really has nothing to do with the shuffling cast, or the massive rewrites, or even the basic premise. If I were to choose any of those, my case would be generic and reflect just about every other blog entry out there from the blurry eyed geeks who live in their mother’s basement. However, I will offer two main reasons why this show will go down in a brilliant blaze of infamy.
1) Look at the network
Far be it from me to bad mouth FOX, but…..wait a minute, I love bad mouthing FOX. FOX will screw this up. They screw up everything. If they want something to succeed, they give it the American Idol lead-in (House, Fringe, etc). If they want something to fail, they throw it one some random night, show episodes out of order, and move it around the schedule without telling anyone. Sometimes I think a retarded drunken monkey is the Head of Programming for FOX.
Anyway, Dollhouse has been given “the death slot”. Friday nights at 9PM. Yeah, they are really going to pull in the 18-35 demographic there. Not only that, but the lead-in is Terminator: the Sarah Connor Chronicles. The last show that Terminator led-in is now in the trash heap along with all the other also-rans.
Also, have you seen the ads for the show? They are trying to pull off the pulp 50’s feel to the ads, basically highlighting the hot chicks with guns angle. While I give them credit for trying to attract the geeky dateless wonders out there, they were going to watch these two shows anyway. My personal preference would have been to either go with the “woman power” angle to attract female viewers or the “intellectual” angle, in order to attract the percentage of the population who feels the need to counterbalance all the For the Love of Ray J episodes they watched last week.
I don’t care what FOX has said about letting Friday night become a breeding ground for well-written scripted dramas (unlike all those poorly written “unscripted” dramas that pass for reality shows) and that ratings don’t matter. Let me disabuse you of this right now, ratings matter. FOX is trying to catch lightning in a bottle here. They know that sci-fi fans are gun shy when it comes to FOX and Friday nights, so they are putting out this cock and bull story about how ratings don’t matter so they can draw in a large audience. When the ratings remain low, FOX will burn all the fans who thought they were telling the truth.
2) Look at Whedon
Hey, I’m a big fan of Whedon, ever since the first season of Buffy. I watched all seven seasons, plus the five seasons of Angel, and the one season of Firefly. I even went to see the Serenity movie, dragging the Duchess along with me early enough in our relationship where are I could have easily scared her off with my geekiness. So, before we get into this, I needed you to know my bonafides so you don’t rip me to shreds.
Whedon has a tendency to be too cute, which turns average people off. Case in point is the Chinese during Firefly. The basic question was “why are they using Chinese phrases?” It took peoples attention from where it was needed, the plot.
The plot was good. It has all the classics. Civil War, rebels, whores, smuggling, and government black ops mumbo jumbo. You don’t need to confuse people by trying to be cute and showing us how “edgy” you can be. It was a distraction.
While the mindless Whedon fan-boy was like “oh, he’s such a genius” and spending 10 minutes dissecting the various meaning of each phrase, the average TV viewer was sitting there bewildered. If you’re going to confuse the TV public, do it in a good way like Lost.
So, as long as FOX really doesn’t care about ratings and Whedon doesn’t try to out-smart himself, this could very well be a hit. However, do you really expect both of those things to happen? Yeah, me neither. But it won’t stop me from watching.
The writing for this is on the wall. It really has nothing to do with the shuffling cast, or the massive rewrites, or even the basic premise. If I were to choose any of those, my case would be generic and reflect just about every other blog entry out there from the blurry eyed geeks who live in their mother’s basement. However, I will offer two main reasons why this show will go down in a brilliant blaze of infamy.
1) Look at the network
Far be it from me to bad mouth FOX, but…..wait a minute, I love bad mouthing FOX. FOX will screw this up. They screw up everything. If they want something to succeed, they give it the American Idol lead-in (House, Fringe, etc). If they want something to fail, they throw it one some random night, show episodes out of order, and move it around the schedule without telling anyone. Sometimes I think a retarded drunken monkey is the Head of Programming for FOX.
Anyway, Dollhouse has been given “the death slot”. Friday nights at 9PM. Yeah, they are really going to pull in the 18-35 demographic there. Not only that, but the lead-in is Terminator: the Sarah Connor Chronicles. The last show that Terminator led-in is now in the trash heap along with all the other also-rans.
Also, have you seen the ads for the show? They are trying to pull off the pulp 50’s feel to the ads, basically highlighting the hot chicks with guns angle. While I give them credit for trying to attract the geeky dateless wonders out there, they were going to watch these two shows anyway. My personal preference would have been to either go with the “woman power” angle to attract female viewers or the “intellectual” angle, in order to attract the percentage of the population who feels the need to counterbalance all the For the Love of Ray J episodes they watched last week.
I don’t care what FOX has said about letting Friday night become a breeding ground for well-written scripted dramas (unlike all those poorly written “unscripted” dramas that pass for reality shows) and that ratings don’t matter. Let me disabuse you of this right now, ratings matter. FOX is trying to catch lightning in a bottle here. They know that sci-fi fans are gun shy when it comes to FOX and Friday nights, so they are putting out this cock and bull story about how ratings don’t matter so they can draw in a large audience. When the ratings remain low, FOX will burn all the fans who thought they were telling the truth.
2) Look at Whedon
Hey, I’m a big fan of Whedon, ever since the first season of Buffy. I watched all seven seasons, plus the five seasons of Angel, and the one season of Firefly. I even went to see the Serenity movie, dragging the Duchess along with me early enough in our relationship where are I could have easily scared her off with my geekiness. So, before we get into this, I needed you to know my bonafides so you don’t rip me to shreds.
Whedon has a tendency to be too cute, which turns average people off. Case in point is the Chinese during Firefly. The basic question was “why are they using Chinese phrases?” It took peoples attention from where it was needed, the plot.
The plot was good. It has all the classics. Civil War, rebels, whores, smuggling, and government black ops mumbo jumbo. You don’t need to confuse people by trying to be cute and showing us how “edgy” you can be. It was a distraction.
While the mindless Whedon fan-boy was like “oh, he’s such a genius” and spending 10 minutes dissecting the various meaning of each phrase, the average TV viewer was sitting there bewildered. If you’re going to confuse the TV public, do it in a good way like Lost.
So, as long as FOX really doesn’t care about ratings and Whedon doesn’t try to out-smart himself, this could very well be a hit. However, do you really expect both of those things to happen? Yeah, me neither. But it won’t stop me from watching.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Even I Make Mistakes
As much as it pains me to admit, I have made certain errors in past entries. That is what this entry is all about, rectifying those errors. I could have covertly gone in and changed what I wanted, but that would just be unfair to everyone. And before you ask, no, I didn’t make any errors in my Indianapolis Sucks entry (bunch of inbred hicks). Anyway, here are the three errors that I am attempting to fix.
1) Of Deathly Hallows and Season Finales
If you remember this entry, I pretty much lambasted the fact that Ginny Weasley ended up with Harry Potter. In said rant, I listed 5 girls who would have been better suited for the young wizard. Upon further review, I would like to change the list slightly. No, I’m not putting the Red Headed strumpet on the list. She resides somewhere around number 12, snuggled neatly between Pansy Parkinson (only because it would piss off Rowling) and Katie Bell (Quidditch chicks rule). No, I’m tossing Cho Chang out of the top 5, because she annoys me and seems too needy.
So, I am in need of a new number 3. This is going to shock some of you, but I’m giving the nod to Nymphadora Tonks. Okay, let’s get past the fact that she’s both married and dead and look at it rationally. One, there was some definite flirtation going on between the two during Order of the Phoenix. Two, the age difference in negligible, seeing has Harry is more mature for his age and she is less mature for her age. Plus, if you even want to use this argument, you have to throw water on her whole Remus Lupin storyline, seeing has his age difference with her is about double the age difference between her and Harry. Also, her feelings for Lupin are a product of Rowling’s out and out character manipulation in Half-Blood Prince and her need to pair off everyone for the sake of pairing them off.
2) Sith Lords, Guest Spots, and Other Thoughts
In my last entry, I listed my top 5 favorite guest stars. I’m tossing John Heard out, if only because he’s the only real weak link in the whole list. However, I’ll give him honorable mention along with Eric Balfour (your man if you need a scumbag) and Alan Dale (your man if you need a strict patriarch). So, who takes Heard’s spot?
Why, Sonya Walger of course. You Lost fans will no doubt recognize the indomitable Penny Widmore, Desmond Hume’s paramour and daughter of the dastardly Charles Widmore (played by Alan Dale). She also had roles in Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles (as the wife of Sarah’s former boyfriend) and Sleeper Cell (as an FBI Agent who gets beheaded by terrorists). She’s top notch, as long as you forget she was in the US version of Coupling.
3) The New and Premiering of 2009
In this entry, I listed the top 5 new or premiering TV shows I was looking forward to in 2009 (obviously, I have a problem with lists). At number 1, I listed Lost, and this was a gross error.
Lost operates on a whole other plain of existence from every other TV show. You can’t even call it TV. The way people explain acid trips from the 60’s is how I feel after watching an hour of Lost. You get flash-forwards, flashbacks, strange lights, talking dead people, and too much Matthew Fox.
The episode “Jug-head” that was on last week, it didn’t have any of the Oceanic 6, and it was probably one of the best episodes ever. And I still don’t completely grasp what happened. It’s just amazing stuff.
As a conclusion, my buddy Seamus told me he watched last week’s Lost and Battlestar Galactica back to back. He said it was a horrible mistake. You think? I do have to give him credit though. If I did that, my brain probably would have exploded.
1) Of Deathly Hallows and Season Finales
If you remember this entry, I pretty much lambasted the fact that Ginny Weasley ended up with Harry Potter. In said rant, I listed 5 girls who would have been better suited for the young wizard. Upon further review, I would like to change the list slightly. No, I’m not putting the Red Headed strumpet on the list. She resides somewhere around number 12, snuggled neatly between Pansy Parkinson (only because it would piss off Rowling) and Katie Bell (Quidditch chicks rule). No, I’m tossing Cho Chang out of the top 5, because she annoys me and seems too needy.
So, I am in need of a new number 3. This is going to shock some of you, but I’m giving the nod to Nymphadora Tonks. Okay, let’s get past the fact that she’s both married and dead and look at it rationally. One, there was some definite flirtation going on between the two during Order of the Phoenix. Two, the age difference in negligible, seeing has Harry is more mature for his age and she is less mature for her age. Plus, if you even want to use this argument, you have to throw water on her whole Remus Lupin storyline, seeing has his age difference with her is about double the age difference between her and Harry. Also, her feelings for Lupin are a product of Rowling’s out and out character manipulation in Half-Blood Prince and her need to pair off everyone for the sake of pairing them off.
2) Sith Lords, Guest Spots, and Other Thoughts
In my last entry, I listed my top 5 favorite guest stars. I’m tossing John Heard out, if only because he’s the only real weak link in the whole list. However, I’ll give him honorable mention along with Eric Balfour (your man if you need a scumbag) and Alan Dale (your man if you need a strict patriarch). So, who takes Heard’s spot?
Why, Sonya Walger of course. You Lost fans will no doubt recognize the indomitable Penny Widmore, Desmond Hume’s paramour and daughter of the dastardly Charles Widmore (played by Alan Dale). She also had roles in Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles (as the wife of Sarah’s former boyfriend) and Sleeper Cell (as an FBI Agent who gets beheaded by terrorists). She’s top notch, as long as you forget she was in the US version of Coupling.
3) The New and Premiering of 2009
In this entry, I listed the top 5 new or premiering TV shows I was looking forward to in 2009 (obviously, I have a problem with lists). At number 1, I listed Lost, and this was a gross error.
Lost operates on a whole other plain of existence from every other TV show. You can’t even call it TV. The way people explain acid trips from the 60’s is how I feel after watching an hour of Lost. You get flash-forwards, flashbacks, strange lights, talking dead people, and too much Matthew Fox.
The episode “Jug-head” that was on last week, it didn’t have any of the Oceanic 6, and it was probably one of the best episodes ever. And I still don’t completely grasp what happened. It’s just amazing stuff.
As a conclusion, my buddy Seamus told me he watched last week’s Lost and Battlestar Galactica back to back. He said it was a horrible mistake. You think? I do have to give him credit though. If I did that, my brain probably would have exploded.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Sith Lords, Guest Stars, and Other Thoughts
I was watching Star Wars the other day and, you know, the Sith got a raw deal. Basically, you have a bunch of force users who don’t want to be subjugated by the Jedi, so they sit out there on there own, just trying to get their piece of the Republic dream. You know, land, house, family. The Jedi are like “I don’t think so” and start this mad war with them, finally driving them out of existence. Or so they thought.
From master to apprentice, they pass along the information they learned. So, the Emperor decides to plot his own scheme for revenge. And who could blame him? So, he goes about ridding the galaxy of these meddlesome people, who think they are oh so special. Then, the last two Jedi use the son of one of the Sith Lords to go out and destroy them. Not only that, but wants him to once again start a new Jedi order, to prop us there own failed dreams and using the Sith as scapegoats for all the ills of the galaxy. It makes me sick.
Speaking of things that make me sick, I’m looking at you Matt Damon. He basically called everyone apathetic because we don’t care enough about the poor people of Haiti. There is a difference between apathetic and self-involved you ass clown! Now, I’m not talking about self-involved like “does my hair look okay”, I’m talking self-involved like “gee, I hope I don’t get laid off today.”
I’ll make a deal with you, you self-absorbed waste of space, I’ll start caring about the poor people of Haiti on two conditions. One, the economy turns around and I only have to worry about losing my job due to gross incompetence. Two, you apologize for Ben Affleck, those horrible Jason Bourne movies, dissing James Bond, and campaigning for Obama (celebrities should keep their gobs shut about politics). Until that happens, keep your opinions about my apathy to yourself, you no talent douche bag.
Speaking of no talent douche bags, I was watching latest Supernatural the other day and it was entitled “Criss Angel is a Douche Bag”. While I’m not about to defend Criss Angel on his douche bagginess, the episode guest starred Barry Bostwick. Barry is in my top 5 favorite current guest stars. Who are the other 4? Number 1 is definitely Michelle Forbes. Seamus and I think she is making an attempt to guest star in every show on TV today. I’ll believe it if I see her doing a guest shot on Hannah Montana. Her defining role is obviously Admiral Cain in Battlestar Galactica. You left us too soon Admiral.
Numbers 2 through 4 in no particular order are Gary Cole, John Heard, and Peter Wingfield. Cole would be a permanent holder of number 2 if he kept the cheesy mustache he was sporting in the episode of Chuck he showed up in. Too bad he couldn’t save the last season of Entourage.
John Heard was classic as Commander Garner in Battlestar Galactica, as the commander of the Pegasus. He was so incompetent, it was great. But he did the smart thing by making Lee commander and took the pipe while fixing the ship. It also pretty much cemented the fact that the Commander of the Pegasus job was more cursed than the Defense Against the Dark Arts teaching job at Hogwarts.
As for Peter Wingfield, well, my basic thought is that it isn’t a sci-fi show until Wingfield shows up. He’s been in everything, and most of the time it’s as some evil douche. I was actually shocked when he turned out to be a good guy in the season finale of Sanctuary. I kept waiting for him to turn on the gang. I was sitting there saying “this guy is shifty, watch him”, like the characters on TV could actually hear me.
If you want all time best guest stars list, it goes to the aforementioned Michelle Forbes, the late, great Don S. Davis, and Dirk Benedict. A bonus for viewers is when Benedict is playing a gigolo or sleaze merchant. He’s just perfect in that role. Well, that or killing Cylons in the original Battlestar Galactica.
From master to apprentice, they pass along the information they learned. So, the Emperor decides to plot his own scheme for revenge. And who could blame him? So, he goes about ridding the galaxy of these meddlesome people, who think they are oh so special. Then, the last two Jedi use the son of one of the Sith Lords to go out and destroy them. Not only that, but wants him to once again start a new Jedi order, to prop us there own failed dreams and using the Sith as scapegoats for all the ills of the galaxy. It makes me sick.
Speaking of things that make me sick, I’m looking at you Matt Damon. He basically called everyone apathetic because we don’t care enough about the poor people of Haiti. There is a difference between apathetic and self-involved you ass clown! Now, I’m not talking about self-involved like “does my hair look okay”, I’m talking self-involved like “gee, I hope I don’t get laid off today.”
I’ll make a deal with you, you self-absorbed waste of space, I’ll start caring about the poor people of Haiti on two conditions. One, the economy turns around and I only have to worry about losing my job due to gross incompetence. Two, you apologize for Ben Affleck, those horrible Jason Bourne movies, dissing James Bond, and campaigning for Obama (celebrities should keep their gobs shut about politics). Until that happens, keep your opinions about my apathy to yourself, you no talent douche bag.
Speaking of no talent douche bags, I was watching latest Supernatural the other day and it was entitled “Criss Angel is a Douche Bag”. While I’m not about to defend Criss Angel on his douche bagginess, the episode guest starred Barry Bostwick. Barry is in my top 5 favorite current guest stars. Who are the other 4? Number 1 is definitely Michelle Forbes. Seamus and I think she is making an attempt to guest star in every show on TV today. I’ll believe it if I see her doing a guest shot on Hannah Montana. Her defining role is obviously Admiral Cain in Battlestar Galactica. You left us too soon Admiral.
Numbers 2 through 4 in no particular order are Gary Cole, John Heard, and Peter Wingfield. Cole would be a permanent holder of number 2 if he kept the cheesy mustache he was sporting in the episode of Chuck he showed up in. Too bad he couldn’t save the last season of Entourage.
John Heard was classic as Commander Garner in Battlestar Galactica, as the commander of the Pegasus. He was so incompetent, it was great. But he did the smart thing by making Lee commander and took the pipe while fixing the ship. It also pretty much cemented the fact that the Commander of the Pegasus job was more cursed than the Defense Against the Dark Arts teaching job at Hogwarts.
As for Peter Wingfield, well, my basic thought is that it isn’t a sci-fi show until Wingfield shows up. He’s been in everything, and most of the time it’s as some evil douche. I was actually shocked when he turned out to be a good guy in the season finale of Sanctuary. I kept waiting for him to turn on the gang. I was sitting there saying “this guy is shifty, watch him”, like the characters on TV could actually hear me.
If you want all time best guest stars list, it goes to the aforementioned Michelle Forbes, the late, great Don S. Davis, and Dirk Benedict. A bonus for viewers is when Benedict is playing a gigolo or sleaze merchant. He’s just perfect in that role. Well, that or killing Cylons in the original Battlestar Galactica.
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