When I was six years old growing up in the wilds of Vermont, I knew three basic truths about the world I lived in. One, that Scooby Doo would always foil the plans of some evil do-er. Two, that my Atari was my most prized possession. Three, that the Red Sox were always good and, conversely, that the Yankees were always evil. Then I grew up and became more jaded and apathetic.
While I am still a Red Sox fan, I can’t get up the shock and outrage about the David Ortiz PED revelation. Not because I’m some boot-licking homer, but because I kind of expected it. The problem was that there was no real Barry Bonds-esque change where you were like “well, he’s definitely on something”. Every number, every thing he did could be attributed to some non-chemical explanation.
The problem is that you can play the guessing game with everyone. My buddy D.B. (a Yankee fan) and I went back and forth yesterday on whom we thought on the 2004 Red Sox was also on the juice. I ended it when I told him that the whole team could have tested positive and I wouldn’t be surprised, but also that they could all be clean and I would have the same reaction. Everyone is suspect. The clean players are going to have live with the fact that there will be people who think they cheated and the dirty players are going to have live with the fact that they are cheaters.
The only good part of this whole thing is the idiocy displayed by the pink-hatted members of “Red Sox Nation”. They are backtracking so fast, it is downright hilarious. They were so fast to demonize the Yankees when A-Rod, Giambi, or Pettitte made a list, but now have to play defense.
The most common excuse is that “everyone did it”. The attempt here is to quash any notion that the titles in 2004 and 2007 are in some way “tainted”. But are they? Without comprehensive testing of all players, on all team, for all substances, no teams championships are tainted, be it the Yankees, the Red Sox, or anyone else. This was my contention when Yankees’ players were being named and it’s my contention now.
The most ludicrous (and I still laugh when I hear it) is the “somebody slipped him something” defense. It goes hand in hand with the “bad batch defense”. Basically, either somebody slipped something into a drink of his or he got a sketchy batch of Andro or some supplement from GNC. The point being that this would exonerate Big Papi while still being able to demonize the Yankees. It’s a pathetic excuse.
You need to put it into the realm of possibility that the easiest answer is probably the right one. He saw his career on the razors edge and needed something, anything to keep it alive. He talked to a “trainer”, got his hands on some performance enhancing substance, and took it to save his career. Is it really that far out of the realm of possibility?
So here’s a note to all the apologists. Just stop. He did it and got caught. You can still root for him and this doesn’t change what happened in 2004 and 2007. You just can’t demonize anyone else who got caught. You can’t cackle with glee the next time someone like Clemens or A-Rod gets caught. You have to sit there, take it, and keep your mouth shut. You know, its times like this that it’s fun to be a sane Red Sox fan.
Friday, July 31, 2009
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Jabba the Hutt: Misunderstood Hero
I was watching Return of the Jedi last week (well, only the first 30 minutes) and I realized the Jabba the Hutt was getting a raw deal. One the surface of it, he is the vile gangster that they portray him as. I mean, he has Han in carbonite, Leia in that slave outfit, and wants to put Luke to death, but if you really dig into it, he’s just a misunderstood business-slug.
First off, Hutt’s are your stereotypical gangsters/criminal masterminds (there are more stereotypes in Star Wars than in Harry Potter) and Jabba is portrayed as such. However, you have to look at where he was. He wasn’t in some Core World or even a planet that has some natural resources; he was in the desert world of Tatooine.
Tatooine is a backwater planet that the Empire and Old Republic don’t even bother with, leaving it as a lawless wasteland. Jabba pretty much installs himself as local warlord and pretty much everyone is happy. I mean, you have moisture farming and pod-racing and the surge that is the Sand People is pretty much contained (as long as you don’t do something stupid).
Now, Jabba needs some cash inflow, so he does some things that people in more civilized cultures would consider crimes. The biggest would probably be the smuggling of spice, but maybe he was handling it like the Godfather and the Heads of the Five Families handed the drug trade. It was there and needed to be dealt with, so why not profit from it but run it like a business and keep it away from schools and kids. I mean, there are going to be losers out there who want to get high, let them kill themselves, they are a drag on society anyway.
So anyway, Jabba needs to hire smugglers to get the stuff where it needs to go and hires Han Solo. Solo sees an Imperial cruiser, gets skittish, dumps his cargo and bolts. The problem is that Jabba needs his money or the cargo. All Solo has is a Wookie. So Solo bolts and takes off. Now, Jabba’s a nice guy, but he needs to make an example out of Solo, so other smugglers don’t walk all over him. Jabba outsources the job to some bounty hunters and goes back to making sure Tatooine enjoys high employment and relative safety.
Now, Vader catches Solo first and encases him in carbonite. Jabba had nothing to do with this. When Boba Fett delivers Solo to Jabba, he’s in a quandary. He can either unfreeze him and kill him (I mean, the guy did run) or keep him in carbonite. Keeping him alive and in carbonite makes him lasting example and gives Jabba the out so he doesn’t need to kill him.
Then, Leia comes in, disguised as a bounty hunter and tries to break Solo out. She doesn’t even try and negotiate, just comes in, unfreezes him, and tries to sneak him out. Now Jabba needs to make an example of her. So, instead of killing her, she just makes a dancing girl out of her.
Then we come to Luke. That brash asshole using force to get past Jabba’s guards and a mind trick on his major domo to get an audience with Jabba. Then, he tries to use the same mind trick on Jabba to get Solo and his friends. No bargaining, just demands. Then he pulls a gun on him. Jabba does the only thing he can; he hits the trap door that will drop Luke into the rancor’s pit. It was either that or he gets a blaster hole in his gut. Luke ends up killing the rancor and I bet those things aren’t cheap.
At this point, Jabba has had enough. He’s got a business to run. So, he gathers up Luke, Solo, and Chewy and decides to take them out to the Dune Sea and kill them. He gives them a chance to bargain for their lives, but they decide on insults and more demands (“Free us or die”, yeah real productive). Of course we know what happens, Luke and his terrorist buddies escape, but not before killing scores of people (including Jabba), destroying private property, and descending Tatooine into lawless chaos.
Jabba was just doing what he needed to do to survive and run a successful business. He’s got to deal with people coming in and making demands, trying to steal from him, and trying to kill him. This was an out and out hit job orchestrated by Luke Skywalker and his little cadre of ne’er-do-wells. He never wanted to “bargain for Solo’s life”, but wanted to kill Jabba and take what he wanted. He’s no better than the Emperor.
Luke’s little vendetta caused a lot of people jobs. I mean, I don’t know what “dancing girl” pays, but its better than living on the streets, turning tricks in the alleys of Mos Eisley’s or stripping at Anchorhead’s local “gentleman’s clubs”. If you’re a kid growing up on Tatooine and your only discernable skill is “hired thug”, you always had a job waiting for you at Jabba’s Palace. Well, not anymore. Thanks to Luke, the unemployment rate was due to skyrocket on Tatooine.
First off, Hutt’s are your stereotypical gangsters/criminal masterminds (there are more stereotypes in Star Wars than in Harry Potter) and Jabba is portrayed as such. However, you have to look at where he was. He wasn’t in some Core World or even a planet that has some natural resources; he was in the desert world of Tatooine.
Tatooine is a backwater planet that the Empire and Old Republic don’t even bother with, leaving it as a lawless wasteland. Jabba pretty much installs himself as local warlord and pretty much everyone is happy. I mean, you have moisture farming and pod-racing and the surge that is the Sand People is pretty much contained (as long as you don’t do something stupid).
Now, Jabba needs some cash inflow, so he does some things that people in more civilized cultures would consider crimes. The biggest would probably be the smuggling of spice, but maybe he was handling it like the Godfather and the Heads of the Five Families handed the drug trade. It was there and needed to be dealt with, so why not profit from it but run it like a business and keep it away from schools and kids. I mean, there are going to be losers out there who want to get high, let them kill themselves, they are a drag on society anyway.
So anyway, Jabba needs to hire smugglers to get the stuff where it needs to go and hires Han Solo. Solo sees an Imperial cruiser, gets skittish, dumps his cargo and bolts. The problem is that Jabba needs his money or the cargo. All Solo has is a Wookie. So Solo bolts and takes off. Now, Jabba’s a nice guy, but he needs to make an example out of Solo, so other smugglers don’t walk all over him. Jabba outsources the job to some bounty hunters and goes back to making sure Tatooine enjoys high employment and relative safety.
Now, Vader catches Solo first and encases him in carbonite. Jabba had nothing to do with this. When Boba Fett delivers Solo to Jabba, he’s in a quandary. He can either unfreeze him and kill him (I mean, the guy did run) or keep him in carbonite. Keeping him alive and in carbonite makes him lasting example and gives Jabba the out so he doesn’t need to kill him.
Then, Leia comes in, disguised as a bounty hunter and tries to break Solo out. She doesn’t even try and negotiate, just comes in, unfreezes him, and tries to sneak him out. Now Jabba needs to make an example of her. So, instead of killing her, she just makes a dancing girl out of her.
Then we come to Luke. That brash asshole using force to get past Jabba’s guards and a mind trick on his major domo to get an audience with Jabba. Then, he tries to use the same mind trick on Jabba to get Solo and his friends. No bargaining, just demands. Then he pulls a gun on him. Jabba does the only thing he can; he hits the trap door that will drop Luke into the rancor’s pit. It was either that or he gets a blaster hole in his gut. Luke ends up killing the rancor and I bet those things aren’t cheap.
At this point, Jabba has had enough. He’s got a business to run. So, he gathers up Luke, Solo, and Chewy and decides to take them out to the Dune Sea and kill them. He gives them a chance to bargain for their lives, but they decide on insults and more demands (“Free us or die”, yeah real productive). Of course we know what happens, Luke and his terrorist buddies escape, but not before killing scores of people (including Jabba), destroying private property, and descending Tatooine into lawless chaos.
Jabba was just doing what he needed to do to survive and run a successful business. He’s got to deal with people coming in and making demands, trying to steal from him, and trying to kill him. This was an out and out hit job orchestrated by Luke Skywalker and his little cadre of ne’er-do-wells. He never wanted to “bargain for Solo’s life”, but wanted to kill Jabba and take what he wanted. He’s no better than the Emperor.
Luke’s little vendetta caused a lot of people jobs. I mean, I don’t know what “dancing girl” pays, but its better than living on the streets, turning tricks in the alleys of Mos Eisley’s or stripping at Anchorhead’s local “gentleman’s clubs”. If you’re a kid growing up on Tatooine and your only discernable skill is “hired thug”, you always had a job waiting for you at Jabba’s Palace. Well, not anymore. Thanks to Luke, the unemployment rate was due to skyrocket on Tatooine.
Monday, July 20, 2009
The Apocalypse, The Half-Blood Prince, and Other Thoughts
I’m horrible at writing all of a sudden, but I’ll throw out some random thoughts and might have more stuff later in the week. This is what happens when you work for a living. Damn job.
On Friday, I packed up the Duchess and jetting out of the Boston area as fast as possible to head for the country, in order to avoid the impending Apocalypse. The signs were unmistakable. One, the Disney Channel was crossing over their three most successful shows into a 90 minute tween-a-thon (The Wizards of Waverly Place, The Suite Life on Deck, and Hannah Montana). It must have been like one of those commercials you see on that channel where Disney wrangles all their cattle, er, I mean talent, to tell us that the youth of this country should be egotistical and believe that they can save the planet. Whatever.
I tell this to the Duchess and she laughs at me, thinking I’ve finally snapped and gone crazy (too late). Then the second sign hits and we find out the Jonas Brothers are in concert in Boston that night. She then starts to think I’m on to something and grudgingly agrees to leave town.
So, I’m in the wilds of Vermont when the third sign hit. We’re watching the Conan O’Brien and his “musical” guest is Demi Lovato and she’s debuting her new song. At this point, I’m gathering canned goods and looking to build a bomb shelter. Thankfully, we lived to see another day in which tween stars may finally trigger the mass extinction of the human race.
While in Vermont, the only form of entertainment that wouldn’t lead to Cirrhosis of the liver was the old school Nintendo system. I wake up on Saturday, glad to still be alive, and find the Duchess playing Super Mario Brothers 3. Not only that, but she had cut her hand by playing too aggressively and gripping the controller with too much pressure. It’s times like this that make me realize I’m lucky to have married her.
While driving back to Mass the other day, I needed a little pick-me-up so I went to Dunkin Donuts and got an Iced Tea. I seriously think that they lace their drinks with something. I mean, their Iced Tea isn’t that great, yet I run to D & D whenever I can like a junkie trying to get a fix. The same happened with their lemonade coolata’s a couple of years ago. Anyway, I order and I’m on the highway before I realize that I didn’t get Iced Tea, but some sort of bastardized Ice Tea/Coffee/Lemon mix. Now, I hate coffee and this was pretty much of the more disgusting things I’ve ever tasted. Yet, I kept drinking it. It was like my brain was trying to convince me that the taste wasn’t that bad. See, it was laced with something. Screw the tobacco companies; I want D & D investigated.
Programming note, the Torchwood mini-series "Children of Earth" premieres tonight on BBC America and runs every night until the conclusion on Friday. While I’ve noted that BBC America has been running some absolute filth recently, this will definitely be stand out.
Speaking of stand out, the new Harry Potter movie debuted this weekend, and based on the numbers, I think everyone but me was at a theatre to watch it. Now, I’ve been a little skittish about watching this and not just because a Harry all hopped up on love potions makes out with Ginny (if you really look at it, that is the most plausible explanation). The book was horrible, but as the Duchess pointed out, the make the good books into bad movies (Goblet of Fire) and the bad books into good movies (Order of the Phoenix).
Now, if you think about it, this makes sense. I mean, the worst part of the Order of the Phoenix book was the Harry was a whiny little pussy. They moved away from that aspect and gave us some action (sort of). One of the main things I hated about Half Blood Prince was the characterization issues. I mean, when did Hermione turn into an empty-headed, boy-crazed, self-absorbed brat who turned her back on her best friend when he needed her most? Seriously, she wasn’t Lavender Brown. Also, Harry is coming off a 12 month span where Voldermort is resurrected, Cedric and Sirius die, and he learns of the prophecy and he only seems to be paranoid about Malfoy and thinking about jumping Ginny. Shouldn’t he have taken the bull by the horns here and started some serious training? I mean, how is a school boy going to beat a dark wizard with 50 years of magical experience on him? A disarming jinx? Oh, wait, I’m sorry, forget I said anything.
On Friday, I packed up the Duchess and jetting out of the Boston area as fast as possible to head for the country, in order to avoid the impending Apocalypse. The signs were unmistakable. One, the Disney Channel was crossing over their three most successful shows into a 90 minute tween-a-thon (The Wizards of Waverly Place, The Suite Life on Deck, and Hannah Montana). It must have been like one of those commercials you see on that channel where Disney wrangles all their cattle, er, I mean talent, to tell us that the youth of this country should be egotistical and believe that they can save the planet. Whatever.
I tell this to the Duchess and she laughs at me, thinking I’ve finally snapped and gone crazy (too late). Then the second sign hits and we find out the Jonas Brothers are in concert in Boston that night. She then starts to think I’m on to something and grudgingly agrees to leave town.
So, I’m in the wilds of Vermont when the third sign hit. We’re watching the Conan O’Brien and his “musical” guest is Demi Lovato and she’s debuting her new song. At this point, I’m gathering canned goods and looking to build a bomb shelter. Thankfully, we lived to see another day in which tween stars may finally trigger the mass extinction of the human race.
While in Vermont, the only form of entertainment that wouldn’t lead to Cirrhosis of the liver was the old school Nintendo system. I wake up on Saturday, glad to still be alive, and find the Duchess playing Super Mario Brothers 3. Not only that, but she had cut her hand by playing too aggressively and gripping the controller with too much pressure. It’s times like this that make me realize I’m lucky to have married her.
While driving back to Mass the other day, I needed a little pick-me-up so I went to Dunkin Donuts and got an Iced Tea. I seriously think that they lace their drinks with something. I mean, their Iced Tea isn’t that great, yet I run to D & D whenever I can like a junkie trying to get a fix. The same happened with their lemonade coolata’s a couple of years ago. Anyway, I order and I’m on the highway before I realize that I didn’t get Iced Tea, but some sort of bastardized Ice Tea/Coffee/Lemon mix. Now, I hate coffee and this was pretty much of the more disgusting things I’ve ever tasted. Yet, I kept drinking it. It was like my brain was trying to convince me that the taste wasn’t that bad. See, it was laced with something. Screw the tobacco companies; I want D & D investigated.
Programming note, the Torchwood mini-series "Children of Earth" premieres tonight on BBC America and runs every night until the conclusion on Friday. While I’ve noted that BBC America has been running some absolute filth recently, this will definitely be stand out.
Speaking of stand out, the new Harry Potter movie debuted this weekend, and based on the numbers, I think everyone but me was at a theatre to watch it. Now, I’ve been a little skittish about watching this and not just because a Harry all hopped up on love potions makes out with Ginny (if you really look at it, that is the most plausible explanation). The book was horrible, but as the Duchess pointed out, the make the good books into bad movies (Goblet of Fire) and the bad books into good movies (Order of the Phoenix).
Now, if you think about it, this makes sense. I mean, the worst part of the Order of the Phoenix book was the Harry was a whiny little pussy. They moved away from that aspect and gave us some action (sort of). One of the main things I hated about Half Blood Prince was the characterization issues. I mean, when did Hermione turn into an empty-headed, boy-crazed, self-absorbed brat who turned her back on her best friend when he needed her most? Seriously, she wasn’t Lavender Brown. Also, Harry is coming off a 12 month span where Voldermort is resurrected, Cedric and Sirius die, and he learns of the prophecy and he only seems to be paranoid about Malfoy and thinking about jumping Ginny. Shouldn’t he have taken the bull by the horns here and started some serious training? I mean, how is a school boy going to beat a dark wizard with 50 years of magical experience on him? A disarming jinx? Oh, wait, I’m sorry, forget I said anything.
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