You know, I was listing to my iPod on the train this morning and a song popped up. The song is number 1 on this list and inspired me to write this entry. You’ll realize why once you get to it.
Anyway, the only criteria for the songs is that they needed to be released (or else “Sleep” by Stabbing Westward would have been number 1, think “Janine’s Got a Gun” without the gun), it needs to have a song that would actually be played at a strip club if it wasn’t for the inappropriate lyrics, and it needs to have been released in the last 17 years (random number, but needed it to fit number 2 on the list). Anyway, here we go:
5) "Never Again"
Artist: Nickelback
Random lyric: “He’s drunk again, it’s time to fight. Same old shit just on a different night. She grabs the gun, she’s had enough.”
Rant: You have to think that even a coked out DJ at some sleazy strip club would have enough sense not to play a song about domestic abuse. Most of these girls probably came from a home like this. Do you really want “Destiny” to breakdown while working the pole?
4) "Break Stuff"
Artist: Limp Bizket
Random lyric: “I pack a chainsaw. I’ll skin your ass raw. And if my day keeps going this way, I just might break your fucking face tonight.”
Rant: Think about it, do you really want some stripper to hear this Ode to Ass Kicking playing when some guy is letting his hands wander where they shouldn’t be? Some drunken businessman might end up with a stiletto heel lodged in his chest. I’m not saying it’s a bad thing, but it’s just one more fluid that the poor janitor will have to clean up.
3) "Last Resort"
Artist: Papa Roach
Random lyric: “Don’t give a fuck if I cut my arm bleeding. Would it be wrong, would it be right, if I took my life tonight. Chances are that I might. Mutilation outta sight. And I’m contemplating suicide.”
Rant: Seriously, you want this song playing in a place where half the girls are probably on the ledge? I would think this job has the highest rate of cutters, if it wasn’t for the fact that it would be hard to conceal. Most of these girls probably want to kill themselves because no little girl dreams of growing up to be a stripper (unless your last name is Kardashian).
2) "Sex Type Thing"
Artist: Stone Temple Pilots
Random lyric: “I said “I wanna get next to you.” I said “I gotta get close to you.” You wouldn’t want me, have to hurt you too, hurt you too.”
Rant: Here’s a story for you. I used to go see this cover band play because a friend of mine knew the members. After the first few songs, the crowd really wasn’t into it. Then, they played this song and the crowd started dancing, singing, and have a generally good time. I turned to my friend and said “Nothing like a song about date rape to get a crowd going.”
1) "Prison Sex"
Artist: Tool
Random Lyric: “Won’t you come a bit closer, close enough so I can smell you. I need you to feel this. I need this to make me whole. There’s release in this sodomy.”
Rant: Nothing like a song about child abuse and sodomy to get into the mood. This gets number 1 mainly for the fact that I have a story that this was actually played in a strip club. Here’s the story.
My roommate Steinmetz and I were in our room, both doing work with music on in the background. Anyway, this song comes on and he starts giggling. I ask him what’s so funny and the following conversation takes place:
Steinmetz: Oh, I was in a strip club this summer and I heard this song.
Me: Seriously?
Steinmetz: Yup. I thought it was completely inappropriate, but no one else seemed to notice.
Me: What were you doing in a strip club? That’s not your scene.
Steinmetz: Oh, one of my old high school friends told me that this uppity bitch we went to school with worked there. I went to see her. I brought my yearbook. I was going to get her to sign it.
Me: Did you?
Steinmetz: No, it was her night off.
Me: Did you ever go back?
Steinmetz: No, that place was a little sketchy.
After a second:
Steinmetz: Wanna go now?
Sometimes I miss college.
Friday, February 20, 2009
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Why Joss Whedon's "Dollhouse" Will Fail
A couple of weeks ago when I did my New and Premiering of 2009 entry, Seamus shot me an email, a little shocked that I had forgotten Dollhouse, the new show from Joss Whedon. As we are both Whedon fan-boys, he figured it would be near the top of the list. However my enthusiasm has been tempered by one fact alone: Dollhouse will fail.
The writing for this is on the wall. It really has nothing to do with the shuffling cast, or the massive rewrites, or even the basic premise. If I were to choose any of those, my case would be generic and reflect just about every other blog entry out there from the blurry eyed geeks who live in their mother’s basement. However, I will offer two main reasons why this show will go down in a brilliant blaze of infamy.
1) Look at the network
Far be it from me to bad mouth FOX, but…..wait a minute, I love bad mouthing FOX. FOX will screw this up. They screw up everything. If they want something to succeed, they give it the American Idol lead-in (House, Fringe, etc). If they want something to fail, they throw it one some random night, show episodes out of order, and move it around the schedule without telling anyone. Sometimes I think a retarded drunken monkey is the Head of Programming for FOX.
Anyway, Dollhouse has been given “the death slot”. Friday nights at 9PM. Yeah, they are really going to pull in the 18-35 demographic there. Not only that, but the lead-in is Terminator: the Sarah Connor Chronicles. The last show that Terminator led-in is now in the trash heap along with all the other also-rans.
Also, have you seen the ads for the show? They are trying to pull off the pulp 50’s feel to the ads, basically highlighting the hot chicks with guns angle. While I give them credit for trying to attract the geeky dateless wonders out there, they were going to watch these two shows anyway. My personal preference would have been to either go with the “woman power” angle to attract female viewers or the “intellectual” angle, in order to attract the percentage of the population who feels the need to counterbalance all the For the Love of Ray J episodes they watched last week.
I don’t care what FOX has said about letting Friday night become a breeding ground for well-written scripted dramas (unlike all those poorly written “unscripted” dramas that pass for reality shows) and that ratings don’t matter. Let me disabuse you of this right now, ratings matter. FOX is trying to catch lightning in a bottle here. They know that sci-fi fans are gun shy when it comes to FOX and Friday nights, so they are putting out this cock and bull story about how ratings don’t matter so they can draw in a large audience. When the ratings remain low, FOX will burn all the fans who thought they were telling the truth.
2) Look at Whedon
Hey, I’m a big fan of Whedon, ever since the first season of Buffy. I watched all seven seasons, plus the five seasons of Angel, and the one season of Firefly. I even went to see the Serenity movie, dragging the Duchess along with me early enough in our relationship where are I could have easily scared her off with my geekiness. So, before we get into this, I needed you to know my bonafides so you don’t rip me to shreds.
Whedon has a tendency to be too cute, which turns average people off. Case in point is the Chinese during Firefly. The basic question was “why are they using Chinese phrases?” It took peoples attention from where it was needed, the plot.
The plot was good. It has all the classics. Civil War, rebels, whores, smuggling, and government black ops mumbo jumbo. You don’t need to confuse people by trying to be cute and showing us how “edgy” you can be. It was a distraction.
While the mindless Whedon fan-boy was like “oh, he’s such a genius” and spending 10 minutes dissecting the various meaning of each phrase, the average TV viewer was sitting there bewildered. If you’re going to confuse the TV public, do it in a good way like Lost.
So, as long as FOX really doesn’t care about ratings and Whedon doesn’t try to out-smart himself, this could very well be a hit. However, do you really expect both of those things to happen? Yeah, me neither. But it won’t stop me from watching.
The writing for this is on the wall. It really has nothing to do with the shuffling cast, or the massive rewrites, or even the basic premise. If I were to choose any of those, my case would be generic and reflect just about every other blog entry out there from the blurry eyed geeks who live in their mother’s basement. However, I will offer two main reasons why this show will go down in a brilliant blaze of infamy.
1) Look at the network
Far be it from me to bad mouth FOX, but…..wait a minute, I love bad mouthing FOX. FOX will screw this up. They screw up everything. If they want something to succeed, they give it the American Idol lead-in (House, Fringe, etc). If they want something to fail, they throw it one some random night, show episodes out of order, and move it around the schedule without telling anyone. Sometimes I think a retarded drunken monkey is the Head of Programming for FOX.
Anyway, Dollhouse has been given “the death slot”. Friday nights at 9PM. Yeah, they are really going to pull in the 18-35 demographic there. Not only that, but the lead-in is Terminator: the Sarah Connor Chronicles. The last show that Terminator led-in is now in the trash heap along with all the other also-rans.
Also, have you seen the ads for the show? They are trying to pull off the pulp 50’s feel to the ads, basically highlighting the hot chicks with guns angle. While I give them credit for trying to attract the geeky dateless wonders out there, they were going to watch these two shows anyway. My personal preference would have been to either go with the “woman power” angle to attract female viewers or the “intellectual” angle, in order to attract the percentage of the population who feels the need to counterbalance all the For the Love of Ray J episodes they watched last week.
I don’t care what FOX has said about letting Friday night become a breeding ground for well-written scripted dramas (unlike all those poorly written “unscripted” dramas that pass for reality shows) and that ratings don’t matter. Let me disabuse you of this right now, ratings matter. FOX is trying to catch lightning in a bottle here. They know that sci-fi fans are gun shy when it comes to FOX and Friday nights, so they are putting out this cock and bull story about how ratings don’t matter so they can draw in a large audience. When the ratings remain low, FOX will burn all the fans who thought they were telling the truth.
2) Look at Whedon
Hey, I’m a big fan of Whedon, ever since the first season of Buffy. I watched all seven seasons, plus the five seasons of Angel, and the one season of Firefly. I even went to see the Serenity movie, dragging the Duchess along with me early enough in our relationship where are I could have easily scared her off with my geekiness. So, before we get into this, I needed you to know my bonafides so you don’t rip me to shreds.
Whedon has a tendency to be too cute, which turns average people off. Case in point is the Chinese during Firefly. The basic question was “why are they using Chinese phrases?” It took peoples attention from where it was needed, the plot.
The plot was good. It has all the classics. Civil War, rebels, whores, smuggling, and government black ops mumbo jumbo. You don’t need to confuse people by trying to be cute and showing us how “edgy” you can be. It was a distraction.
While the mindless Whedon fan-boy was like “oh, he’s such a genius” and spending 10 minutes dissecting the various meaning of each phrase, the average TV viewer was sitting there bewildered. If you’re going to confuse the TV public, do it in a good way like Lost.
So, as long as FOX really doesn’t care about ratings and Whedon doesn’t try to out-smart himself, this could very well be a hit. However, do you really expect both of those things to happen? Yeah, me neither. But it won’t stop me from watching.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Even I Make Mistakes
As much as it pains me to admit, I have made certain errors in past entries. That is what this entry is all about, rectifying those errors. I could have covertly gone in and changed what I wanted, but that would just be unfair to everyone. And before you ask, no, I didn’t make any errors in my Indianapolis Sucks entry (bunch of inbred hicks). Anyway, here are the three errors that I am attempting to fix.
1) Of Deathly Hallows and Season Finales
If you remember this entry, I pretty much lambasted the fact that Ginny Weasley ended up with Harry Potter. In said rant, I listed 5 girls who would have been better suited for the young wizard. Upon further review, I would like to change the list slightly. No, I’m not putting the Red Headed strumpet on the list. She resides somewhere around number 12, snuggled neatly between Pansy Parkinson (only because it would piss off Rowling) and Katie Bell (Quidditch chicks rule). No, I’m tossing Cho Chang out of the top 5, because she annoys me and seems too needy.
So, I am in need of a new number 3. This is going to shock some of you, but I’m giving the nod to Nymphadora Tonks. Okay, let’s get past the fact that she’s both married and dead and look at it rationally. One, there was some definite flirtation going on between the two during Order of the Phoenix. Two, the age difference in negligible, seeing has Harry is more mature for his age and she is less mature for her age. Plus, if you even want to use this argument, you have to throw water on her whole Remus Lupin storyline, seeing has his age difference with her is about double the age difference between her and Harry. Also, her feelings for Lupin are a product of Rowling’s out and out character manipulation in Half-Blood Prince and her need to pair off everyone for the sake of pairing them off.
2) Sith Lords, Guest Spots, and Other Thoughts
In my last entry, I listed my top 5 favorite guest stars. I’m tossing John Heard out, if only because he’s the only real weak link in the whole list. However, I’ll give him honorable mention along with Eric Balfour (your man if you need a scumbag) and Alan Dale (your man if you need a strict patriarch). So, who takes Heard’s spot?
Why, Sonya Walger of course. You Lost fans will no doubt recognize the indomitable Penny Widmore, Desmond Hume’s paramour and daughter of the dastardly Charles Widmore (played by Alan Dale). She also had roles in Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles (as the wife of Sarah’s former boyfriend) and Sleeper Cell (as an FBI Agent who gets beheaded by terrorists). She’s top notch, as long as you forget she was in the US version of Coupling.
3) The New and Premiering of 2009
In this entry, I listed the top 5 new or premiering TV shows I was looking forward to in 2009 (obviously, I have a problem with lists). At number 1, I listed Lost, and this was a gross error.
Lost operates on a whole other plain of existence from every other TV show. You can’t even call it TV. The way people explain acid trips from the 60’s is how I feel after watching an hour of Lost. You get flash-forwards, flashbacks, strange lights, talking dead people, and too much Matthew Fox.
The episode “Jug-head” that was on last week, it didn’t have any of the Oceanic 6, and it was probably one of the best episodes ever. And I still don’t completely grasp what happened. It’s just amazing stuff.
As a conclusion, my buddy Seamus told me he watched last week’s Lost and Battlestar Galactica back to back. He said it was a horrible mistake. You think? I do have to give him credit though. If I did that, my brain probably would have exploded.
1) Of Deathly Hallows and Season Finales
If you remember this entry, I pretty much lambasted the fact that Ginny Weasley ended up with Harry Potter. In said rant, I listed 5 girls who would have been better suited for the young wizard. Upon further review, I would like to change the list slightly. No, I’m not putting the Red Headed strumpet on the list. She resides somewhere around number 12, snuggled neatly between Pansy Parkinson (only because it would piss off Rowling) and Katie Bell (Quidditch chicks rule). No, I’m tossing Cho Chang out of the top 5, because she annoys me and seems too needy.
So, I am in need of a new number 3. This is going to shock some of you, but I’m giving the nod to Nymphadora Tonks. Okay, let’s get past the fact that she’s both married and dead and look at it rationally. One, there was some definite flirtation going on between the two during Order of the Phoenix. Two, the age difference in negligible, seeing has Harry is more mature for his age and she is less mature for her age. Plus, if you even want to use this argument, you have to throw water on her whole Remus Lupin storyline, seeing has his age difference with her is about double the age difference between her and Harry. Also, her feelings for Lupin are a product of Rowling’s out and out character manipulation in Half-Blood Prince and her need to pair off everyone for the sake of pairing them off.
2) Sith Lords, Guest Spots, and Other Thoughts
In my last entry, I listed my top 5 favorite guest stars. I’m tossing John Heard out, if only because he’s the only real weak link in the whole list. However, I’ll give him honorable mention along with Eric Balfour (your man if you need a scumbag) and Alan Dale (your man if you need a strict patriarch). So, who takes Heard’s spot?
Why, Sonya Walger of course. You Lost fans will no doubt recognize the indomitable Penny Widmore, Desmond Hume’s paramour and daughter of the dastardly Charles Widmore (played by Alan Dale). She also had roles in Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles (as the wife of Sarah’s former boyfriend) and Sleeper Cell (as an FBI Agent who gets beheaded by terrorists). She’s top notch, as long as you forget she was in the US version of Coupling.
3) The New and Premiering of 2009
In this entry, I listed the top 5 new or premiering TV shows I was looking forward to in 2009 (obviously, I have a problem with lists). At number 1, I listed Lost, and this was a gross error.
Lost operates on a whole other plain of existence from every other TV show. You can’t even call it TV. The way people explain acid trips from the 60’s is how I feel after watching an hour of Lost. You get flash-forwards, flashbacks, strange lights, talking dead people, and too much Matthew Fox.
The episode “Jug-head” that was on last week, it didn’t have any of the Oceanic 6, and it was probably one of the best episodes ever. And I still don’t completely grasp what happened. It’s just amazing stuff.
As a conclusion, my buddy Seamus told me he watched last week’s Lost and Battlestar Galactica back to back. He said it was a horrible mistake. You think? I do have to give him credit though. If I did that, my brain probably would have exploded.
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