Why I Love British Television, Part II

As I promised yesterday, part 2 of my man-love for British TV. Now, if you remember from part 1, I said I had two occurrences where episodes continually replay in my head and I keep thinking about them over and over again. Well, the second time was for the end of Season 3 of “Doctor Who”. Now, some of you are thinking that either I’m incredibly lazy as that season finished on the Sci-Fi Channel in September or that I’m a time traveler because it just started on BBC America. The answer, as always, is that I’m lazy. But that’s not all.

“Doctor Who” is a long running British sci-fi show about a time lord who travels through space and time in a blue police box and some chick in tow. When I say long running, I mean 20 plus seasons. Fans of this show make “Star Trek” fans look normal. Anyway, BBC decided to jazz it up a couple of years ago and sort of reinvent the series. They kept most of the mythology in place, but gave newbies a chance to jump on board. Of course, Seamus and I were two of the first to jump on board when Sci-Fi announced they would be showing the series in America. The first two seasons rocked. We got good story lines (sometimes a little cheesy) and good acting. Half way through the second season we got word that his companion (the chick in tow) was leaving the show. Not good news for those of us who liked Rose Tyler. So, after the season finale of Season 2, I was a little hesitant to jump back on board for Season 3. Then, the Christmas episode happened.

“Doctor Who” will have Christmas episodes (in England, America gets them whenever), which are usually one-off episodes a few months prior to the new season kicking off. This episode was following the departure of Rose, so his partner in crime in this episode was Donna Noble (played by Catherine Tate). Let’s just say that it was show on Sci-Fi in September, and I didn’t watch another episode until January. I was horrified by the episode, and not in a good way. I have a genuine distaste for Catherine Tate now. So, I had little hope for Season 3.

When I finally got around to watching the first real episode of “Doctor Who”, I knew that his new companion would be Martha Jones and that Seamus had loved the season. Within 15 minutes of the first episode, I forgot who Rose Tyler was. I immediately fell in love with Martha Jones and felt she was the perfect chick in tow for the Doctor. From about “Human Nature” (episode 8) until the finale “Last of the Timelords” (episode 13), it was a non stop thrill ride. Let’s go over the episodes briefly.

“Human Nature” and “The Family of Blood” was a two part episode that had the Doctor become human in order to hide from a murderous alien family. He transports himself to 1913 England and brings Martha with him as his “servant”. He does not remember anything of his alien past, only remembers that he is an English school teacher. While there, he falls in love with a human nurse who works at the school. The end is heart-wrenching, as we see the life they would have had together if he stayed human. We also see how cold he can be when dealing with the alien family that hunted him down. The whole episode is painful, as we see the indignity that Martha must endure as a black servant in 1913 and seeing the man she loves fall for another woman. This is followed by “Blink”, probably one of the best episodes of “Doctor Who” ever, with the irony that the Doctor and Martha probably only have 1 minute of screen-time. Trapped back in 1969, the Doctor and Martha must rely on Sally Sparrow (unknown to everyone until now) to work out a way to get the Doctor his TARDIS, while battling against weeping angel statues. One, it is horribly frightening. Two, the end was great, when we are finally able to piece together how the Doctor was able to send Sally all those clues from the past. If Sally became a more regular contributor, no one would complain.

Now, we come to the “Utopia”/”The Sound of Drums”/”Last of the Time Lords” three part finale. It starts with old friend Captain Jack Harkness (of “Torchwood” fame) bumming a ride on the TARDIS with the Doctor and Martha to the end of time. When there, they help an old professor build a rocket to send his people to Utopia. We slowly find out that he is a time lord, who was turned human like the Doctor was earlier in the year. He reassumes his time lord identity (as The Master) and steals the TARDIS, leaving our heroes at the end of time. Jack has a time jumping device on his wrist that the Doctor fixes to jump back to present day. When they arrive, Harold Saxon (the Master) has just been elected Prime Minister of England. He has used his massive telecommunications empire as a time control device. Basically, he is paving the way for the Toclafane to invade earth. Why? We have no idea. The Doctor, Martha, and Jack infiltrate the Master’s base of operations, but get caught. The Master turns the Doctor into an old man, bound to a wheelchair, incapable of fighting. The Doctor whispers something to Martha, and then arranges for her to escape. One year passes, and Martha has transformed herself into a freedom fighter and symbol of a huge resistance movement, talking to folks and spreading the word. The picture to the right is Martha as the freedom fighter (thank me later Seamus). Anyway, her and two members of the resistance catch a Toclafane (little metal orbs) and open it up to see what’s inside. Basically, what is inside is the improved version of the human’s that took the rocket ship to Utopia. They can kill humans but not effect their future because the Master has turned the TARDIS into a paradox machine, basically nullifying the “butterfly effect”. She then is shown huge rockets, which we learn the Master will use to wipe out other species throughout the galaxy in order to control the universe. Martha is then caught and brought before the Master. She sees the Doctor, who has been turned into something that looks like Gollum from “Lord of the Rings” (the Master advanced his age once again). It turns out this is exactly what Martha wanted. Before she escaped, the Doctor told her that if everyone thought of the word “Doctor”, it would somehow override the mind control device of the Master’s and he would become himself again. As Martha walked the Earth like Jules from “Pulp Fiction”, this was the story she told. So, long story short (too late), the Doctor becomes himself again, defeats the Master (who dies), they disable the Paradox Machine, and time gets sent back to just before the Toclafane invasion, with everyone (minus the Doctor, Martha, Jack, and Martha’s family) forgetting what happened. When they get back to Earth, Martha tells the Doctor that she can’t travel with him for now. She wants to get her medical degree. Also, she can’t stay in this one-sided relationship, where she loves him and he doesn’t see her. She gives him her cellphone and says when she calls, he better come running. With that, we come to an end.

I loved it because it was just great human drama and magnificently written. I hated it because at the end, Martha leaves and paves the way for Donna Noble to return in Season 4. The only silver lining here is that Martha will show up in “Torchwood” for a couple of episodes and then in the last half of Season 4 of “Doctor Who” (along with a few episodes that will feature Rose). Do I love this show? Definitely. Everything this show offers is the main reason I love British TV.

Why I Love British Television, Part I

You know, with most TV, after I watch, the overall themes and plot is digested, only to be thought about again when the next episode is on. However, there are very few times when an episode will clearly grab my attention for a few days after, as I continually pour over the nuances, over and over again. In this case, it has happened to me twice in one week. I will share this with you because I know you care.

The first happened around the middle of last week when I finished up the second and final season of “Life on Mars”. Stop reading now to avoid spoilers and just wait for Part 2 about “Doctor Who” (coming either later today or tomorrow). First, let me say that the great thing about British TV is the fact that they don’t beat an idea to death (don’t think about the irony of having this line after mentioning “Doctor Who”). “Life on Mars” could have gotten real old real fast. Thankfully, they only had it last two seasons with a grand total of 16 episodes. That’s not even one full American season. Now, on to the actual episode.

You know how a lot of series finales never meet your expectations and you are completely let down by them? Well, think of the exact opposite of that feeling and you have the finale of “Life on Mars”. The storyline completely drew me in, I didn’t think they would resolve it by the end, yet it went out in a blaze of glory. If you have ever watched the show, you know by the episode before this that Frank Morgan is the mysterious voice on the other end of all the phone calls Sam has been receiving this season, telling him they will be getting him home soon. We start the episode with Sam hearing voices from 2006 telling him that they will operate to remove a small tumor in his head and that should bring him out of the coma. The surgeon’s name is Frank Morgan. The 1973 version of Frank Morgan tells Sam that in order of the operation to be successful, that he needs to gather up evidence on Gene Hunt so he can be arrested. Sam does this, but finds out that the operation is an actual undercover operation (codenamed Metropolitan Accountability and Reconciliation Strategy (MARS)), not the surgery he thought. It turns out that Frank Morgan was his DCI in Hyde, who sent Sam to Manchester for the undercover assignment and the accident he suffered in the first episode caused him to close his mind which has caused his amnesia. To further illustrate the point, Morgan shows Sam the gravestones of his parents, then of “Sam Tyler”, from which his persona was created. Sam is then torn; as he is not sure which is version of his life is real. He comes to accept that he is a policeman from Hyde sent to Manchester to clean up the division. He confesses this to the other members of his division, but not Gene, who is currently undercover with a gang of thugs who will soon attempt a train heist. Instead of calling in for armed personal, Gene feels that his own division can handle the situation, going undercover on the train that will be hit. Morgan has given Sam a radio to radio in for armed help when needed; not believing Gene has taken care of the operation. When the heist happens, the radio admits static and then all hell breaks loose. The team and robbers get into a vicious gun battle. Sam radios for help but nothing comes up. He makes a break for it to round up help, promising Anne that he won’t leave them behind. As he runs away from the train, he runs into Morgan in the tunnel near by, saying that he doesn’t have a team waiting, and to let the criminals take care of the division. He then turns and sees the team making a break for it, running toward him. Sam sees Chris and Ray get shot, with Anne kneeling down to help Chris, then sees Gene get shoot and falls. At this moment, at bright light appears and envelops Sam. He wakes up in 2006 in his hospital bed. He was in a coma the whole time. He then is greeted by the surgeon, who is Frank Morgan. After a little bit, he gets dressed and goes home. The End.

Okay, not quite. He talks to his mother and says that he made a promise to someone, in which she responds that he has nothing to worry about since he always keeps his promises. He finds it tough adjusting to the present and relating to his colleagues. He accidentally slices his finger with a razor, but doesn’t notice it until someone points it out. He remembers the conversation he had with Nelson where he told him that “You know you’re alive when you feel.” With that, Sam goes to the roof of the station and jumps off. The End.

Okay, not quite again. He arrives back in 1973, back in the tunnel. He then pulls his weapon and guns down the remaining bad guys. We next see Ray and Chris in the bar with Sam, seemingly having forgiven him. He leaves the bar and runs into Anne. She tells him to stay there forever, and they kiss. With that, Gene speeds in and tells them to get in, as they have a new case. Chris and Ray jump in with Anne and Sam. Same hears over the radio the voice of doctors from the future, saying that they are losing him and then a flat line. He changes the channel and gets David Bowie and they speed off. Then a few kids run out into the street with the little girl from the Test Screen who runs right up to the camera, looks directly into it, and reaches up and switches it off. The End (no, really this time).

I just loved it. It gave us a finale, and added a little ambiguity in it, so I actually have to give it some thought. My personal opinion is that his life in 2006 was real, and that 1973 is the afterlife. However, you can make the argument of some sort of time travel, considering that he saved “the woman in red” at the end of season 1 and that his coma-self was attacked by the escaped mental patient he put in stir in season 2. I was thinking about it for days. We might even get some more answers when “Ashes to Ashes” premieres, which is the spin-off featuring Gene, Chris, and Ray in 1980’s London with a new officer involved in a near fatal accident (God knows when or if it will be on BBC America). All I know is that David E. Kelly will muck up the American version. He’s too full of himself and he’ll over-think the whole thing. It’ll last 5 episodes and be cancelled. And that’s a success for Kelly nowadays.

TV From The Female Angle

When I moved in with the Duchess about 2 years ago, I figured my life would change a little. I kinda figured that I would no longer being drinking until 3 AM, watching old Buffy episodes, and wondering things like “Can I back flip off the coffee table without spilling my beer?” I also figured my TV viewing habits would change. For all her attributes, she’s not that big into sci-fi stuff. However, that’s not to say that I haven’t tried to make her watch “Battlestar Galactica” and “Smallville”, its just she’s not interested. However, good relationships are built on compromise, so she watches some of my stuff and I watch some of her stuff. While I don’t quite understand her fascination with the Disney Channel, she has introduced me to some stuff that is totally kick-ass. I will share with you the top 5 TV related things she’s shared with me; to help spread the world that good TV doesn’t have to involve space.

Two author’s notes before I begin. One, I watched the “Life on Mars” series finale the other day. I was completely blown away, yet need time to digest it all. I’ll probably be writing a review of it sometime soon. Two, if this list was a top 6, I would have included “Zoey 101”, just for all the Jamie Lynn Spears pregnancy jokes you can make in half hour. Anyway, on with the list:

5) “Ned’s Declassified School Survival Guide” (Nickelodeon) – Growing up with such great shows as “Saved by the Bell”, “Running the Halls”, and “Chris Cross”, I like school shows that involve very few parents and complete comedy. While this is a middle school show, it pretty much fits the bill. Basically, you have middle school moppet Ned Bigby who, along with friends Moze and Cookie, creates a survival guide for middle school. Now, before you start thinking that it’s uncool, how bad can something be that gives Savage Steve Holland and Fred Savage paychecks for directing episodes. Plus, it gives acting credits to Meshach Taylor (who is without a dummy). The show is 30 minutes long, but you get two stories for the price of one. Also, you have cool character names like Coconut Head and Suzie Crabgrass. I’ve given you sufficient reason to check it out, so go.

4) “House Hunters International” (HGTV) – Personally, I could care less about people finding there dream home, but this has the twist of being international. Basically, people are looking to upgrade their digs and they get shown three houses and they decide which is best for them. Now, while I don’t care what $200 grand will get you in Grand Rapids, MI, I do care what it will get you on some Caribbean island. Why? Because living in paradise would be cool, where all you do all day is lay in a hammock and booze. Basically, do you want to live in cold as hell New England or in sunny Aruba? Yeah, that’s what I thought.

3) “Survivorman” (Discovery Channel) – Les Stroud is one badass. Basically, this man gets dropped in the most inhospitable places on earth and is forced to survive for seven days. Now, this isn’t some lame show where the cameraman slips him a sandwich off camera, mostly because he is the cameraman. He carries 50 pounds of equipment with him. That might not sound bad if you’re trekking in your backyard, but he’s carrying this crap around the Mojave Desert and above the Artic Circle. He’s building igloos and drinking his own evaporated urine and eating scorpions. The man is freaking crazy. But unlike most crazy people, he’s filming this for our enjoyment. Now, I’m not going to be sledding up in the Yukon Territory anytime soon, but it’s nice to know how I can get by with a Swiss Army Knife, some pliers, and an old hockey ticket. This guy is like MacGyver.

2) “Cash in the Attic” (BBC America) – Before we start, I have to say you need to watch the British version, not the crappy American version. I watched that once and almost went into shock. Instead of raising money for something cool like throwing Mum a 90th birthday party, two fat parents and their fat teenage daughter in New Jersey wanted a hot tub. Now that we have that squared away, let’s get to the show. Basically, you either have one chick and a couple of gay guys or just a couple of gay guys pawing through some family’s old junk to try and find stuff they can hock at auction to raise money for some expenditure the family wants to make. This is cool on a couple of levels. One, it makes you think that all the old crap you have might be worth something. Two, seeing the tools who go to an auction in England is a long way off from what I saw watching “Lovejoy”. The best part is that there is always a happy ending since the family always gets the money they are shooting for. So, unless you are cold sadistic bastard (you know, your typical Colts fan), you should be happy at the end.

1) “Iron Chef America” (Food Network) – First off, I would like to admit I’ve never seen the Japanese version, so don’t give me poo for liking this. The premise is pretty simple. You have some hot shot chef out there who thinks he’s the balls, so he shows up on the show and challenges one of the Iron Chef’s to a cook-off. Basically, there are two rules. One, you only have an hour to create a couple of dishes and two, you need to use a special ingredient in each dish. The special ingredient is announced right before the cooking begins. You then serve your food to three judges and they tally up points using a completely arbitrary points system. The one with the most points wins. The only thing you get for a win is the satisfaction of a job well done, which kind of sucks. There are a couple of cool things here. One, the iron chefs all rock. Bobby Flay is a big dick, so its fun to root against him. Mario Batali has a huge gut and sweats so much, you think he might have a heart attack at any time. I have nothing against any of the other chefs. Also, the commentator is Alton Brown, who is wicked awesome. Watch any of his shows on Food Network and you’ll be impressed with his knowledge. Plus, you can’t go wrong when you’re watching “Stargate Atlantis” and you realize that the dude trying to kill Ronan is the Chairman from “Iron Chef America”. Another reason its cool is the possibility of some hot shot chef completely lose it because he doesn’t know how to make a dessert with eggplant.

There’s the list. While the shows may not be great, it makes compromise much easier. So I get to say things like “oh, you want to watch “Ned’s Declassified”? That means you have to watch “Mega Snake” on Sci-Fi later.” See, that’s fun for the whole family.

Random Thoughts About Football And The Yeti

I have some random thoughts about the weekend in general and figured I would share them with my adoring readers. Not the toothless inbred hick who left the comment here about the girl who got boo-ed at the Indy game, but the rest of you.

Is Jim Nantz on crack? While watching the Patriots complete yet another drubbing of the Chargers, Nantz enters into this long winded correlation between the memorialized number 91 on the back of their helmets and the fact that their first drive of the season was 91 yards. I want to know how long Nantz has been waiting to bust out that gem. What would have happened if the Pats lost? Would Nantz have had to sleep on the nugget, never to be used? How did Phil Simms not smack him? I need answers.

More than one person has made the comment that this year’s Super Bowl is like Super Bowl XXXVI in 2001, with the high favored and high powered Rams against the plucky Pats, facing an overwhelmingly favored opponent. I don’t buy it. I feel this is more like Super Bowl XX, which featured the Bears against the Pats. The Bears had the most fearsome defense of all time, while the plucky Pats had to battle 3 quality opponents, on the road, before finally making it to the show. This year, the Pats have the most fearsome offense of all time, while the plucky Giants had to battle 3 quality opponents, on the road, before finally making it to the show. So don’t give me this “How does it feel to be rooting for the Rams” crap, at least get your analogies right when taunting me.

If I hear one more person talk about Tom Brady and his injury, I’m kicking that person in the baby maker. Everyone, from the postman to the fat broad at the train station, has been waxing intellectual about this like they are the head orthopedist at UMass General. The best was the New York newspapers asking doctors to tell us about the possible injury from still photos and grainy images from youtube. How about this? We wait until the injury report and/or media day. Hell, Brady will be on the morning drive-time show on WEEI this morning, let’s listen to that. I don’t need a guy who probably got his degree from Upstairs Hollywood Medical College to tell me that Brady’s foot is broken because of the way he was carrying his flowers for his girlfriend.

Since yesterday was a holiday, I was given the day off by the evil, soul-sucking corporation I work for. I was flipping through the channels and stumbled across a show called “Monster Quest”. This details the dateless wonders out there who will talk to anyone about their quest to find Big Foot, the Yeti, or any other possible monster you can think of. So anyway, they had this one on yesterday about how Stalin tried to make this ape/human hybrid to be the ultimate killing machine, since, you know, Stalin was crazy. Anyway, this show was on the History Channel. I’m not sure whether to be offended as a former history major or as a History Channel fan. I mean, is this really worthy of the History Channel? I’m pretty sure this wasn’t even fact, but just made up by some poor, slovenly looking kid who can speak Klingon and lives in this mother’s basement. Stalin was more than willing to let 1 million soldiers die in a single battle, I don’t really think he was concerned about the viability of this ape/human hybrid. Seriously, this passes for a show on the History Channel? Just give me another breakdown of some random Revolutionary War battle and be done with it.

Back to the games on Sunday. Are the Chargers just the biggest bunch of whiney bitches ever? Last year, the king of the sack dance (Shawne Merriman) and the cry baby wimp (LT) pitch a fit because of the way the Pats celebrated on their field. This year, one of their offensive linemen decides to call out Richard Seymour…..after the game. Listen, if you’re going to call Vince Wilfork a dirty player, fine, I accept that. But I have never heard this about Richard Seymour. Why not give us some things he did that you didn’t like and when it happened. We’ll all check the tape and see if you are telling the truth or whining because you lost and are a little bitch. One more thing, after the game, I had nothing but respect for Philip Rivers. He played a hell of a game in bad conditions on bad knees that need surgery. Tomlinson, on the other hand, was in there for like 3 plays and couldn’t go anymore. If he was so emotional about possibly getting to the Super Bowl (as Phil Simms kept telling us), don’t you think it would have taken multiple people to keep him off the field? Plus, I love how Norv Turner threw him under the bus after the game, saying the Tomlinson kept himself out. Way to coach Norv.

The Giants didn’t really win that game, the Packers lost it. I will give the Giants credit, they played very good defense and Eli was just competent enough to win the game. However, they made numerous mistakes that the Packers never capitalized on. If they hope to win the Super Bowl, they need to cut down on the errors and take advantage of any errors the Pats make. There is no way around this. How did the Giants not keep feeding Plaxico Burress? At one point, he even told the Packers bench no one could cover him. Maybe he should have told his own coaching staff and Eli, as he could have been utilized even more than he already was.

I will hold off on making any Super Bowl predictions until next week, as Tom Brady may need his foot amputated. I’ll be back in a day or two with more fun filled comments to make your day just that much brighter.

Who Am I And My NFL Thoughts

Today, we’re going to play a little spirited game of “Who Am I”. I’m going to describe a person and it’ll be up to you, the faithful reader, to try and guess to it is. The answer will be at the end of today’s post. I’m also going to give my predictions for the AFC and NFC Championship Games. Oh joy. Well, let’s get this started.

I am a writer/pseudo-celebrity who writes for a major sports website. I started out writing moderately funny stuff about sports but quickly turned into a self-aggrandizing ass clown. In my columns, I drop so many names; you would think I was People Magazine. I want to sound cool, so I tell you how I went to this person’s house or how I saw this person at a Clipper’s game. I tell you all about the stuff I do as a pseudo-celebrity, like lame go cart races and fantasy basketball leagues. I even recently started a podcast because it’s not enough for my hordes of fans to see my words, but hear my voice. I can barely muster the strength to write one column a week, as I’m so weighed down by my own ego, so I let my wife handle it or I let my fans carry the load by printing their emails or links. Only recently have I been espousing my political views, as I am in a position to make valid arguments on candidate’s views. I don’t worry about alienating any readers, because I know that I tell my readers what to think. I’m currently writing a book which will probably contain as little new material as my first book, and my hordes of fans will make insist I do a book tour, as they need to see me as well. Who Am I?

As for this weekend’s games, almost everyone and their mother thinks the Packers and Patriots are going to come though. But as my man Lee Corso would say, not so fast my friend. Now, the Giants and the Chargers can’t win by doing what they did last week, which is managing the game and not doing stupid things. Basically, both teams need to do exactly the same thing, which is create pressure on the Quarterback, manhandle Wide Receivers, and pray that their own Quarterbacks don’t make any stupid mistakes. The Chargers have a bit more of a problem because Billy Volek will be prominently involved, and we saw how well he did when he was a backup in Tennessee. Plus, Tomlinson and Gates are banged up, so their effectiveness goes down. Still, if there defense can make big plays and there offensive can have some bite, they can cause trouble for the Patriots. For the Giants to win they need to rush Favre (they were the best team in regards to sacks this year) and they need to use the running game to grind away at the Pack, and keep the ball out of Favre’s hands. I still think both the Packers and Patriots win, but I don’t think it is as cut and dried as everyone thinks.

The answer to this installment of “Who Am I”? The answer is ESPN’s Bill Simmons.

Why Indianapolis Sucks

I’m going to start out by saying I’m probably the most apathetic person you’ll ever met. Most of the time, I could really care less about anything that doesn’t effect me personally. Probably not the best character trait to admit, but hey, I don’t really care. With that said, I was horrified by the treatment of a 14 year old girl at the Indy/San Diego game on Sunday.

When the winners of the Punt, Pass, and Kick competition were announced, I took the time to go grab another beer, not really caring about far some 11 year old can toss a football. I get back in time to hear booing on the TV. I stopped and wondered why there would during the introduction of kids, I rewound my DVR and found out that young Anna Grant (the 14 year old winner of the 14-15 year old section) was being booed by the Indy fans for being so outrageous as to wear a Patriots jersey. She’s a 14 year old girl and she was booed by the crowd. (Author’s Note, the following will be directed at the fans who booed her and those who thought it would be a good idea but were too drunk to figure it out). I have one thing to ask. Why would you loser, toothless, alcoholic, slack-jawed, mouth breathing, inbred, mullet wearing ass-clowns boo a 14 year old girl? Is your life really that pathetic that you have to boo a teenage girl wearing a Patriots jersey? If she was in the crowd, would you have dumped your beer on her head? Seriously. I hope when you got back to your trailer park and put on your stained wife-beater and started to drink the moonshine your brother/uncle distilled through the radiator of the rusted out car on blocks next to his trailer you got enough satisfaction out of booing the teenage girl so you didn’t have to beat your cousin/wife for the night. What part of you actually thought “you know what; I’m going to boo this girl”? Was it the fact that she’s probably better at sports now than you ever were in your welfare check cashing life? Well, thankfully, you have another long winter to think about how your team screwed up in the playoffs again, and you can keep warm by watching your slow-witted Quarterback commercials for everything from anti-freeze (which will help in the distillation of the moonshine) to some local ambulance chaser (which you’ll need the next time you get nailed for DUI for driving your moped down the street after splurging on Budweiser at the local dive bar). There is a special place in hell reserved for you were you will be seated between Pol Pot and the Bay City Rollers for the rest of eternity.

The silver lining of this story is that the Patriots actually look like the good guys in all this, since they provided tickets to the girl and her family for this weekend’s AFC Championship Game (you know, the game Indy players will be watching). She will also get honored before the game on the field, where she will get the proper reception. Maybe your redneck hicks should watch on your small, rabbit-eared TV’s, you might learn something about respect.

A Chargers/Giants Superbowl?

Because I am your source of all things and because everybody has beaten it to death, I’m finally going to bring up some things about the weekend’s playoff games.

Was anyone really shocked at the way Green Bay and New England dismantled their opponents on Saturday? It was like they are cars with a fifth gear racing cars that top out at third gear. Plus, GB and NE have so many ways to beat you, plus only one or two teams can actually exploit their weaknesses. Those teams are no longer in the playoffs (Indy and Dallas, but more on this later). They only negative was that NE didn’t cover the spread, and only the degenerate gambling public cares about that (I’ve been known to stroll down to that part of town every once in a while).

Was everyone really shocked that Dallas and Indy got beat? If you really think about it, New York and San Diego played exactly the way any less talented team needs to play in order to beat a “better” team. Play consistent, don’t make stupid mistakes, get one or two big plays from quality guys, play solid defense, and make the other team beat you. Dallas and Indy really have no excuse for losing. Both had the ball at the end of the game and both crapped the bed. I’ve said it before here and I’ll say it again, Tony Romo can’t come through when it matters. He’s like Peyton Manning before the Super Bowl win. Even when Dallas was driving, was anyone actually thinking that they would score? I was just waiting for the inevitable interception, turnover on downs, or clock mismanagement to end the game. As for Indy, it was like Peyton flashed back to two years ago. I just kept sitting there waiting for him to finally come through and he never did. He had a first and goal with two minutes left and he couldn’t convert. Is this some sort of joke?

Back to GB and NE for a second. Both teams are secretly glad that Dallas and Indy got knocked off. Minus all the screaming and yelling from all the pink-hatted rump swabs out there, NE fans are happy that Indy lost. Why? Indy can exploit the NE weakness. They can use running backs and tight ends in short and intermediate routes to exploit the age of the linebackers. Plus, Indy has Wes Welker Light in Antonio Gonzalez, who would be able to shred whatever poor nickel back the Pats use, be it Randall Gay, Ellis Hobbs, or the guy working the drive-thru at the McDonald’s near Gillette. Let’s not forget that Asante Samuel (covering either Harrison or Wayne) would be suspect since he has a tendency to jump routes. Don’t get me wrong, the Pats would probably still beat Indy (considering it’s at Gillette and Tom Brady is still Tom Brady), but it would be closer than I would want to think about. As far as GB is concerned, they got beaten in Dallas once before, and let’s not delude ourselves into thinking it wouldn’t happen again. Minus Brett Favre, the GB offense is built on youth, something the veteran Dallas D would confuse and harass (of course, they didn’t confuse and harass Eli Manning, so maybe I don’t know what I’m talking about).

This just takes us one step closer to something that Patriot fans dread and FOX execs love. A possible Patriots/Packers Superbowl. It would be good versus evil, the white hats of Favre against the black hats of Brady. Fox execs love it because everyone would watch (even more than normal). As a Patriots fan, I dread this because it’s possibly the final Favre game, and you know the NFL wants him to go out on top. Even impartial refs might feel a little pull to help him out. Maybe that corner did bump his receiver, maybe Seymour did come in a little late, and maybe the Pats are truly evil. All I know is that I’m worried about that. The whole country will be rooting for the Pack, except the small enclave of New England. I guess this is what its like to be a Yankees fan.

You Haven't Struck Out Yet

With the writer’s strike in full swing with no signs of ending any time soon, people are getting desperate for new programming to watch. You might start wondering things like “Was the second season of “Dark Angel” really as horrid as I remember?” or “If I sign that petition, maybe “Salute Your Shorts” will hit DVD faster” or even “Maybe I should check out “American Idol”, just to see what the fuss is all about.” Believe me, these are things you don’t want to start thinking (except maybe the “Salute Your Shorts” thing). Fear not loyal readers, I have come up with five shows premiering shortly that should chase away these bad thoughts (in order of importance).

5) Torchwood (BBC America, season 2 premiering 01/26) – Since I still have three episodes remaining in Season 1, I really can’t tell you where we left off, but the season finale was titled “End of Days”, so you know something big went down. Minus the whole Owen and Gwen hooking up thing (which is more palpable after Suzie came back in that one episode) the first season has been top notch. There were a lot of stand alone episodes that gave us insight into the characters and the organization. From what I hear, we get a nice little story arc at the end of the season, so I have something to look forward to. Enough of the past, let’s talk future. With a solid base of character development set, I expect to get what I get from most British shows, solid story telling that draws you in and leaves you wanting more.

4) Psych (USA Network, second half of season 2 premiering 01/11) – We left off with Shawn and Gus clearing Gus’s parents of the murder of a crotchety old neighbor in a funny Christmas episode. I know most people think “oh great, another cop show”, but it’s actually kind of unique and funny. Any show that makes a reference to the movie “Top Secret”, gives us a joke about V’Ger and Stephen Collins, and states that Chad Michael Murray is pure evil is alright in my book. So, what can we expect for the remainder of Season 2? I would expect more of the same, which means loads of pop culture references and some nifty detective work.

3) Terminator: The Sarah Conner Chronicles (FOX, season 1 premiering 01/13) – The show picks up where T2 ended, with Sarah and John on the run. I don’t know if they are pretending like T3 never happened (you know, sort of like season 3 of “Roswell”). I also don’t know if I’m watching this because FOX bombarded me with ads for it or if it’s just because of Summer Glau (River from “Firefly”). Basically, I think this show is either going to suck eggs or rock the house. I really don’t see any in between on this. Basically, yet another Terminator is sent to kill John, but yet another Terminator comes to save him. Wait, wasn’t that the plot of T2? I’m sure they’ll fill in the plot holes, but who knows. Most of the crap on TV panders to the lowest common denominator, any those people don’t care about plot holes. They want scantly clad women and explosions.

1A) Lost (ABC, season 4 premiering 01/31) – I had a hard time picking between this and the other number one show, so I just figured “screw it” and made it a tie. We left off season 3 with the survivors of Oceanic 815 getting rescued and we find out that Jack’s crazy flashbacks during the finale were actually flash-forwards. If you weren’t completely awe struck when Jack was yelling “We have to go back Kate. We have to go back!” well, you just don’t deserve to have a television. So, where do we go from here? Well, you gotta figure we’ll actually get some answers, as well as even more questions. With this show, I’ve learned its best not to guess or think too much about these things and just sit back and enjoy the ride.

1B) Battlestar Galactica (Sci-Fi Channel, season 4 premiering in 03/2008) – You know this was coming. We left off at the end of season 3 finding out the identities of four of the final five Cylons and Starbuck magically reappears in a Viper next to Lee, telling him she’s alive and knows how to get to Earth. We got the movie “Razor” a little while ago (a flash back) that told us that Starbuck was the “harbinger of death” (of course, only Shaw heard this, and she’s dead). Now, I don’t know about you, but harbinger of death doesn’t sound like a good thing. Let’s not forget that Baltar has been acquitted in his war crimes trial, so he’ll be fluttering about. We already know that this is the final season, so we should get answers to all the major questions. Who is the final Cylon, do they find Earth, and will Adama grow back his 80’s style mustache?

Ohio State and Virginia Tech Lose. Is It My Birthday?

It’s that time of year again. You know the time. The college football season is over. We have a new champion, and thank God it isn’t Ohio State. I’m not saying I dislike Ohio State, its just that……well, I dislike Ohio State. But more on that later. I’ll give my thoughts and observations on the Orange Bowl, the BCS Championship Game, and I might throw in something about Hawaii for all my Hawaiian fans out there.

First, let’s talk about the Orange Bowl. I have to say that Aqib Talib deserved the MVP of the game. I figured they voters would be dumb and give it to Todd Reesing, but they actually proved to be a little smart. I’m not dissing Reesing, who had a very good game, but Talib deserved it. The interception for a TD was the first score of the game and entrenched the momentum with Kansas.

In fact, the whole Kansas defense played amazing, netting three turnovers that resulted in 17 points. Of course, the Virginia Tech offense is woeful. VT did the right thing by benching Brendan Ore for the first quarter, but he is really there only offensive weapon. Look at there quarterbacks. Glennon is spotty and Taylor is too young. I got swept up in VT because of the quality of competition in the ACC. I love the ACC, but it just wasn’t that stacked this year, and VT looked good by comparison. VT got by on good defense and good special teams. If you can hold your own in both these areas, you can beat VT. That is exactly what Kansas did and that is exactly why Kansas won.

Now, on to the BCS Championship Game, where LSU decided to add a degree of difficulty to there victory. First, they pretty much spot OSU the spread, and then decide to let them stay within striking distance the whole game. Every time they had a chance to run away with it, they took there foot off the pedal and let everyone sweat a little. I will admit I was a little worried when the score was 10-0 and the LSU offense looked like a wounded duck. Then once the LSU defense started to contain Beanie Wells (what grown man has the nickname “Beanie”?) they put the game in Todd Boeckman’s hands, and that’s not a good place. Sure, if you have the play action working and your offensive line is holding, it’s all good, but Boeckman didn’t have the time he was used to. This was exemplified when Boeckman got absolutely wrecked (see picture) by Ali Highsmith on a 4th down play. Part of this was due to the great coverage by the LSU secondary.

We can’t forget the offensive play of LSU. Matt Flynn was a great leader out there, which was probably the reason Perrilloux only saw the field once. Jacob Hester once again proved that white guys can be running backs. Plus, Flynn spread it all over the field, hitting 8 different receivers. Ohio State just looked overmatched when LSU went into the spread formation, especially with LSU’s first touchdown, when LSU stacked one side of the field with four receivers, than Flynn hit Dickson on the weak side when he was wide open. But, let’s not give all the credit to the LSU offense.

Some of the credit needs to go to the Ohio State defense. They played horrid at times. The best example was on Early Doucet’s 4 yard touchdown reception, where he broke like 57 tackles to make it into the end zone. My mother could have tackled him. Plus, there were a bunch of really stupid personal fouls, five in all. The worst was at the end of the first drive by LSU in the second half. Ohio State was only down 24-10 and had just stopped LSU to open the third quarter, and during the punt, the punter gets roughed, yet the OSU player somehow misses the ball. I’m still not sure how he missed it. Boom, 15 yard penalty and automatic first down. LSU then scores with the Doucet TD mentioned above and go up 31-10. They should have just ended it there, but LSU decided start trading touchdown’s with Ohio State, giving there fan base a collective coronary.

Were the two games fun? Sure, for two separate reasons. The Orange Bowl was fun because I got to see Kansas actually beat a quality team and I got to see the Patriot’s first round pick (here’s hoping) streak down the sideline for the first score of the game. The BCS Championship was fun because I got to see Ohio State lose, and that’s always fun. That pretty much wraps up the whacky and wild season in college football. This means I get to write geeky articles about TV and the NFL until the soccer season starts (I can almost see the Duchess shaking her head).

I'm An Idiot And Other Observations From Bowl Week

The major problem with committing my thoughts to this blog instead of ranting at my friends is that when I’m wrong, I can’t just deny everything. It’s right there in black and white for the entire world to see. So, as the college bowls have proven so far, I’m an idiot. So, here are some comments after the fact.

I misjudged the Rose Bowl, but not completely (like I did with the Fiesta Bowl). I thought that USC was overrated, which was wrong. They are very good when Booty is healthy and working with a lead. There defense is top-notch. Still, they were one series away from getting smoked. In the third quarter, USC is up 21-10, yet Illinois is driving. Illinois in the doorstep after Rashard Mendenhall put on the Superman cape yet again and got 55 yards on a screen pass. Then, with receiver Jacob Willis sprinting toward the end zone, the ball gets popped out of his hands and recovered by USC in the end zone. USC then drives the length of the field for the TD and for the victory. That one series just seemed to completely deflate Illinois and they couldn’t get anything started after that. I misjudged the fight Illinois had in them.

I was wholly wrong about the Fiesta Bowl. West Virginia got it done. They completely smoked Oklahoma. This was for two main reasons. One, they are an extremely athletic and physical team. They were able to dominate the line of scrimmage and they harassed Sam Bradford all night long. Two, Oklahoma was out-coached. Weird that one of the most respected coaches in the game was outsmarted by a guy who had the word “interim” in front of his title, but it’s true. Stoops got desperate and that’s not something you like to see in your coach during a bowl game. There is nothing wrong with gambling, but gambling at the wrong times can be disastrous, as proven by Stoops. Here’s hoping that Bill Stewart loses the “interim” part of his title.

What a gag job by ASU in the Holiday Bowl. It was like they purposely went out of there way to prove me wrong (no, I’m not paranoid). Texas just isn’t that good.

Colt Brennan doesn’t deserve all the blame for the Sugar Bowl disaster. If anything, his offensive line failed him. He is still a viable NFL quarterback. Are you seriously telling me that you would trust Quinn Fry over Colt Brennan? I don’t even know who Quinn Fry is, yet some NFL team is trusting him as there starting QB. And Cleo Lemon? That sounds like a drink my girlfriend, The Duchess, would order at a bar instead of a starting NFL quarterback. I mean, Miami needs a quarterback. It’s not like Brady Quinn fell into there lap in last years draft and instead of taking him, took the wildly overrated Ted Ginn Jr. and then took John Beck in the second round. Oh wait…..

Along the same lines, Hawaii’s beat down does NOT prove that non-BCS schools don’t belong in BCS bowls. Right now, non-BCS schools have a 2-1 record in BCS bowl games. In my estimation, the only team out there right now that can beat Georgia is LSU. Georgia is a buzz saw and they feel they were slighted. That’s not a delightful combo for any team. Plus, it helps a lot when your defensive linemen have free rein to rush the quarterback (do they teach blocking at Hawaii?).

What the hell happened in the Clemson/Auburn game? Yes, I’m a Clemson fan, but that was pathetic. Auburn was using an offense that they only implemented a week ago, yet everything looked good. The problem was the Clemson completely forgot about there intermediate passing game and either went with bombs or screens. Screens are good if the defense is over-pursuing, but Auburn is too good for that. As they probably saw in game film, Clemson was going to do that and was prepared. They should have used slants and crosses to open up the middle of the field, then you can use the bomb or screens to take advantage of a softened up defense. Well, wait until next year I guess.

While watching the bowl games, I think that the team of Brent Musburger and Kirk Herbstreit are definitely the A team, with the team of Brad Nessler and Bob Griese a close B team, and Mike Patrick and Todd Blackledge a solid C team. The FOX team of Thom Brennaman and Charles Davis would be a solid R team. I wanted to hit mute during the Sugar Bowl.

Tell me I wasn’t the only one surprised not only by the beat-down that Oregon delivered, but the impressive victory by Michigan. Rich Rodriguez was on the sideline for Pete’s sake and the players were focused on one task, beating Florida. Since I played the “let’s win one last one for the old coach” card in my analysis of the Ohio State/Michigan game, I figured it just wasn’t happening. Oops.

Well, I’ll probably come back on Tuesday with some insights on the Orange Bowl and the BCS Championship Game. Does anyone outside of Ohio actually think that Ohio State has a shot in this one? I didn't think so.

Just When You Thought It Couldn't Get Any Worse

While the DVR is one of the greatest inventions since beer glass shaped like a boot, it can also have negative side effects. One of them being that if it fouls up, you pretty much get screwed. This happened to my buddy Seamus a few weeks ago when the last new “Smallville” (entitled “Gemini”) was on and his DVR didn’t recognize it as being new, so he didn’t get it. Being the friend I am, I figured I would review it for him. After watching it, he was the lucky one.

After we get the range of previous week’s clips and Remy Zero’s fifteen minutes of fame, we get to the action. It seems that two weeks have past since Clark was at the Fortress of Solitude and still no sign of Kara. He comes back and within the first few words to Lana, I knew something was up. Tom Welling isn’t that good of an actor. He has two styles, Clark and non-Clark. He was sporting non-Clark. He tells Lana he wants to see everything she has on Lex, so they can take him down together. We go to the Daily Planet where we see Lois sucking face with the new editor and finding out she has a big interview with Lex so she can do her expose. As a side note, her getting this huge story is about a pathetic as Hawaii’s offensive line in last night’s Sugar Bowl. Anyway, she gets a call from someone saying he’s a clone that Lex created, and if she doesn’t tell his story, he’s going to blow up Chloe. My question, why doesn’t he just post his crap on the internet like every other crack pot? Journalist do there own good job of soiling the name of newspapers, this guy doesn’t need to jump in. Anyway, she tries to send Chloe an email and the clone cut he wires so she has no internet access and he tells her Chloe dies if she tries to warn her or anyone else. Do-do-do.

Anyway, Clark and Lana go to her crib at the Isis Foundation and check out all her surveillance all Lex (which is way beyond stalker) and she tells him about this substance, which is basically Brainiac, and how it probably infected this chick that she just happens to have in the basement. Anyway, they get a bunch of binary code and take it to Chloe to figure it out. If it has to do with computers, Chloe is your girl. We go back to the Planet, and Lois uses a bunch of dots on an inter-office envelope to warn Chloe about the bomb on her. Chloe gets the envelope as she’s walking to the elevator and jumps on with Jimmy Olsen (remember when he was your classic drug dealer/suspected rapist on “Veronica Mars”?). As she looks at the envelope the elevator stops trapping them both inside. They search through her purse to find said bomb and find out its in box from her secret Santa. That’s a crappy Christmas gift, far worse than socks. One complaint about this. They open the box and there is the classic grey brick that says “C-4, Composite Explosive” on it. Some schmoo off the streets can just buy this? Shouldn’t he have made it from common household products? Again, no one is using the internet. Anyway, crazy clone guy wants Lois to ask Lex questions that he feeds her, and makes her wear a flower/camera broach and an ear piece to feed her questions. So, she gets to the editor’s office and starts asking him the crazy questions, and the clone makes her draw a gun and point it at the editor (who we learned was Lex’s long lost (and I thought dead) brother). Lex then doesn’t something we’ve all wanted to do and cracks Lois upside the head with a blunt instrument once the crazy clone shows up.

The crazy clone starts spouting all these memories he had as a kid, saying they were implanted by Lex. The crazy thing is that the editor has the same exact memories. It turns out that Lex tried to have a clone of Julian made before, and it failed, resulting in this crazy guy running around. He perfected it with the editor. Anyway, Lex shoots him, but not before he presses the button to set off the bomb to kill Chloe. In the mean time, Clark and Lana have shown up at the Planet looking for everyone’s favorite computer genius, only to find her not there. They stumble across Lois’s desk and find that email she tried to send Chloe warning her about the bomb. Back in the elevator, Chloe tells Jimmy she’s a meteor freak and they kiss as the bomb counts down closer and closer to zero. Clark, figuring they must be in the elevator, uses his superhuman speed and strength to run to the elevator, pry open the door, and hurl the bomb into the night’s sky, where it explodes harmlessly. Jimmy and Chloe talk and she performs her special ability on his cut finger. Since when did she learn to control her ability? The only time she used it before was when she accidentally cried on Lois, bringing her back to life. I guess now all she needs to do is lay a hand on a cut and think really hard. So, in the end, Julian breaks up with Lois and Chloe tells Clark that the binary code is Brainiac trying to “re-boot” and he is closing to doing so. She leaves and Clark and Lana hug, not before his face flashes steel and we find out its really Bizarro and real Clark is encased in stasis in the Fortress (I knew it!!!). The End.

So, we learned that Julian is a clone, that Bizarro is on the loose, that Clark is in stasis, that Chloe can control her healing ability, that Lex is up to something sinister, and that I lost 45 minutes of my life that I can never get back. Basically, I’m giving it * ½ stars (out of 5), and that's being generous.