If you are one of the three people who read this blog on a regular basis, you know my complete and utter disdain for reality TV (and that’s putting it mildly). I don’t care about brainless bimbos and dorks who live in there mother’s basements and write fanfic all day trying to get together. I don’t care about some internet hooker in a bi-sexual dating show. I don’t care about idiots who want to strap themselves into a lie detector for cash and I certainly don’t care if you are smarter than a fifth grader. However there is some reality shows I do like, all thanks to a foul-mouthed Brit.
I only came to this realization last night, when I told the Duchess I really wanted to watch something at 8. I then found myself turning to BBC America to watch “Gordon Ramsey’s Kitchen Nightmares”. I find something enjoyable about watching tools try (and fail) to run a restaurant, all while Ramsey hurls insults at them (half of which get bleeped out). I think I laughed for 5 straight minutes last night when Ramsey uncorked a torrent of obscenities at some owner, finished by calling him fat, and the poor owner was so overmatched, he called Ramsey a “knob”. I just find the word “knob” funny. Looking at some of these menus, it makes me wonder if all restaurants should be forced to hire someone with common sense, who’s soul job it is to dispense some common sense. Who wants a shark fin covered in mozzarella cheese? Seriously, I would like to know. Who would want a “do it yourself” menu? I go out so I don’t have to think, I don’t want to pay you to make food that I thought up. One of the best things about this is the fact that Brits are so passive/aggressive, that they’ll agree if you push just a little, but then either do nothing or unleash a string of obscenities at the camera when no one is around. It’s like they want to beat the ever-living snot out of Ramsey, they are just too scared to try it. My main problem with the American version was that Ramsey would have to go so over the top with his criticisms that it just sort of took away from what was going on. Plus, most of the owner I wanted to just flat out fail. At least the Brits will listen to what he’s saying and try it out. Another good thing is we get the follow-up like a month later to see if they actually listened to him or if they had a full frontal lobotomy and decided not to listen to the millionaire chef.
Of course when you talk about Ramsey, you need to talk about “Hell’s Kitchen”. Basically Ramsey gets together a group of bimbos, incompetents, hard workers, and ego-maniacs and has them compete to run a new restaurant that will be opening soon. The best is the fact that Ramsey will not only insult the chefs competing, but also the customers of the restaurant who have the poor misfortune of having to eat the crap that comes out of the kitchen (if it comes out at all). In Season 2, Ramsey hit a point no one will ever approach when he told some female customer (who was complaining about the food) to get “your tits off my counter”. He actually said this. I almost broke a rib laughing so hard. I rewound it and watched it like 20 times. You can find it on YouTube. The poor chick was horrified and ended up flipping over a plate in disgust. My only problem is that he’s the only judge and I don’t understand what he’s thinking half the time. Back to season 2, one of the girls got to the finals based on her ability to make salads, her big jugs, and her ability to flirt with Ramsey. In three seasons, he’s made people cry, walk out, and go to the hospital. He’s a fucking one man wrecking crew. The best part is he doesn’t put up with shit. Everyone who has a real job knows of at least one assface who is a complete fucking knob and needs to be screamed at and tossed out. Alas, they are back at work the next day, bumbling their way through their job and no one says a thing about it. Not in Hell’s Kitchen. Ramsey will unleash a flurry of obscenities that would make a sailor blush, and will turn the first person with a thin skin into a crying mess and then boot them from the show for giving him attitude (or just looking at him the wrong way). I’d love a boss like that. I would definitely keep me on my toes.
Now, I’m not changing my mind on reality shows, but seeing someone get chewed out for fucking up a Beef Wellington is 100 times better than watching some whore disgrace herself for Flavor Flav on “Flavor of Love”. Plus, it’s done by a Brit, and their obscenities are more fun and more extensive than American obscenities. So, I’ll keep watching Gordon Ramsey and pretend that shit like “The Rock of Love” doesn’t exist.
Friday, February 29, 2008
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
The Moment of Truth
There is no easy way to say this, so I’m just going to come out and say it. I watched “The Moment of Truth” last night. I know, I know, I’ve castigated the viewing public for watching crap like this, but a confluence of circumstances led to this and I feel the need to unburden myself on my two regular readers. I’ve been trying to rationalize it by saying “oh well, I’ve written how bad this show is, but never watched it. That’s not fair”. That’s a bunch of crap, because I’m always willing to make fun of stuff, even if I’ve never seen or experienced it. However, this is my moment of truth.
While watching a rerun of an old “Family Guy” episode, the Duchess decided she was going to take a shower. Boo-yah. This gave me time to watch the last 10 minutes of last week’s episode of “Lost”. Watching Locke put a live grenade in someone’s mouth and finding out that Aaron is not only one of the Oceanic 6, but also being paraded as Kate’s child, well, that got my mind working overtime, so I wasn’t ready for anything that would make me think. Thankfully as this ends, my regular TV was still on FOX. Then, I see Marky Mark L. Walberg telling us that this episode of “The Moment of Truth” is so crazy, that there was discussion of them not even airing it, but this is FOX, so of course they are going to air it. He says that if he had his choice, it would never be shown. Of course, he doesn’t mind the paycheck, so on with the humiliation.
We start off with some 20 something hair dresser from New York. With her are her parents, brother, sister, and husband (a NYC cop). They start off with the standard fare questions, like “Would you rather give leftovers to a stray dog than a homeless person?” and “Have you ever taken pleasure in one of your siblings getting in trouble?” You know, harmless crap. Then they step it up with “Have you ever been fired from a job for stealing money?” and “Would you steal money from your current job if you wouldn’t get caught?” I was like “whatever, she’s a scumbag” and kept watching. Then, she throws her dad under the bus (this coming after he said he was proud of her) by answering “yes” to the question about her dad keeping secrets from her mom. Let’s just say Mom didn’t look too pleased. Then, we get to the good stuff.
So, they’ve been teasing these questions all night and we finally get to it. She admitted that she thought she was in love with another man on her wedding day. Let’s just say the cop husband didn’t look pleased. Then, they trot out her ex-boyfriend and let him ask if she would leave her husband if he wanted to get back together with her. At this point, Marky Mark pleads with someone to hit the escape button (this dumb button her family can hit if they don’t want the answer to a question, but can only hit it once). The husband wants to hear the question, but sis hits the button, saying no one would want to hear the answer. I could think of a couple million people, starting with her husband and her ex-boyfriend. Of course, if you hit the button, it just gets replaced with another. I want to know if sis thought it would be “do you like dogs better than cats?” because you have to figure it probably wasn’t going to get any easier. So, they let the ex ask if she feels she should be married to him instead of her husband and she says “yes”. So, he leaves feeling content he destroyed a marriage and she gets to the $100,000 mark. Marky Mark tells us that he has never had to ask questions like this before. Come on, you hosted 3 seasons of “Temptation Island”, you saw, heard, and asked crap that was a lot more scandalous than some tramp who can’t let the past be the past. Anyway, asking if she should quit, her husband says “you can’t say anything to me that’s any worse.” It’s like he’s asking for it. She needs to answer 3 questions correctly to get to $200,000. If she answers one incorrectly, she loses it all. The first question is if she ever had sex with anyone other than her husband while married. Wait for it, wait for it. BOOM. That’s the sound of her marriage blowing apart after she answers “yes”. The husband just puts his head down. The look on Mom and Dad’s face is priceless. Then she gets asked the question if she thinks she’s a good person. Well, she’s deluded enough to think she is, and answers that way. Too bad it was false. She walks off to the arms of her family who are all a little more disgusted with her (especially her husband).
I think we all walked away with something here. The chick walked away with no cash and a bad reputation. The parents and siblings walked away with the knowledge that they are related to a STD ridden bitch. The husband walks away with a tape to show at divorce court showing he won’t have to pay any alimony. Finally, I walk away with one hour of my life I’ll never get back, a few less brain cells, and the need to take a shower.
While watching a rerun of an old “Family Guy” episode, the Duchess decided she was going to take a shower. Boo-yah. This gave me time to watch the last 10 minutes of last week’s episode of “Lost”. Watching Locke put a live grenade in someone’s mouth and finding out that Aaron is not only one of the Oceanic 6, but also being paraded as Kate’s child, well, that got my mind working overtime, so I wasn’t ready for anything that would make me think. Thankfully as this ends, my regular TV was still on FOX. Then, I see Marky Mark L. Walberg telling us that this episode of “The Moment of Truth” is so crazy, that there was discussion of them not even airing it, but this is FOX, so of course they are going to air it. He says that if he had his choice, it would never be shown. Of course, he doesn’t mind the paycheck, so on with the humiliation.
We start off with some 20 something hair dresser from New York. With her are her parents, brother, sister, and husband (a NYC cop). They start off with the standard fare questions, like “Would you rather give leftovers to a stray dog than a homeless person?” and “Have you ever taken pleasure in one of your siblings getting in trouble?” You know, harmless crap. Then they step it up with “Have you ever been fired from a job for stealing money?” and “Would you steal money from your current job if you wouldn’t get caught?” I was like “whatever, she’s a scumbag” and kept watching. Then, she throws her dad under the bus (this coming after he said he was proud of her) by answering “yes” to the question about her dad keeping secrets from her mom. Let’s just say Mom didn’t look too pleased. Then, we get to the good stuff.
So, they’ve been teasing these questions all night and we finally get to it. She admitted that she thought she was in love with another man on her wedding day. Let’s just say the cop husband didn’t look pleased. Then, they trot out her ex-boyfriend and let him ask if she would leave her husband if he wanted to get back together with her. At this point, Marky Mark pleads with someone to hit the escape button (this dumb button her family can hit if they don’t want the answer to a question, but can only hit it once). The husband wants to hear the question, but sis hits the button, saying no one would want to hear the answer. I could think of a couple million people, starting with her husband and her ex-boyfriend. Of course, if you hit the button, it just gets replaced with another. I want to know if sis thought it would be “do you like dogs better than cats?” because you have to figure it probably wasn’t going to get any easier. So, they let the ex ask if she feels she should be married to him instead of her husband and she says “yes”. So, he leaves feeling content he destroyed a marriage and she gets to the $100,000 mark. Marky Mark tells us that he has never had to ask questions like this before. Come on, you hosted 3 seasons of “Temptation Island”, you saw, heard, and asked crap that was a lot more scandalous than some tramp who can’t let the past be the past. Anyway, asking if she should quit, her husband says “you can’t say anything to me that’s any worse.” It’s like he’s asking for it. She needs to answer 3 questions correctly to get to $200,000. If she answers one incorrectly, she loses it all. The first question is if she ever had sex with anyone other than her husband while married. Wait for it, wait for it. BOOM. That’s the sound of her marriage blowing apart after she answers “yes”. The husband just puts his head down. The look on Mom and Dad’s face is priceless. Then she gets asked the question if she thinks she’s a good person. Well, she’s deluded enough to think she is, and answers that way. Too bad it was false. She walks off to the arms of her family who are all a little more disgusted with her (especially her husband).
I think we all walked away with something here. The chick walked away with no cash and a bad reputation. The parents and siblings walked away with the knowledge that they are related to a STD ridden bitch. The husband walks away with a tape to show at divorce court showing he won’t have to pay any alimony. Finally, I walk away with one hour of my life I’ll never get back, a few less brain cells, and the need to take a shower.
Friday, February 22, 2008
The Gold Rush
During the weekend the Duchess was gone, and in between watching DVR, getting another beer, and watching old episodes of “Coupling”, I randomly flipped through the channels hoping to strike gold. When I say gold, I don’t mean the episode of “Growing Pains” where Mike thinks about doing cocaine. I mean short lived TV shows that occasionally pop up on random TV channels, like “Wonderfalls” on Logo or “Keen Eddie” on Sleuth. In my search, I hit one nugget of gold and one nugget of fool’s gold.
The gold strike came when I was flipping through the channels I never go to (around the 800’s) and found the Universal HD channel. I wasn’t sure what it was but it was showing the movie “Blue Steel” and if that doesn’t say something, I don’t know what does. So, I decide to check the guide to see what other gems this TV channel might unearth (for you fans, they had “Friday Night Lights” reruns). I was frakking shocked when I saw “Touching Evil”. For those of you who don’t know (and I’ll guess it’s a lot considering it got cancelled), “Touching Evil” was one of the very few really good adaptations of a British show to American TV. The show starts off with Detective David Creegan walking into a room with his gun drawn. He turns around to be faced with a masked gunman pointing his gun at him. The gunman then shoots Creegan in the head and he goes falling out a big plate glass window. Creegan takes years to recover (even being clinically dead for a short time) and returns to work at the Organized and Serial Crime Unit in the FBI. While Creegan is strange and a bit kooky, he also has an amazing ability of understanding the criminal mind and a drive to take the evil off the street. He is teamed up with Detective Susan Branca and together they hunt the sociopaths who break the laws and harm the people. It was a frakking great show (it made Bravo’s “brilliant but cancelled” series). It’s funny and dark and haunting (and not just because of the Nine Inch Nails songs they play) and just plain gripping. The USA Network cancelled it after one season, but I always remembered it and I always liked it. So, of course, I DVR-ed the episode that was on and will watch when I get the chance. Totally sweet ninjas!
The next was a complete strike out. I was checking out the Science Channel to see when re-runs of “Survivorman” was on (because its cool to sit on your couch and watch some dude try and survive in harsh conditions he puts himself in purposely for my entertainment) and I went to the guide to check it out. Low and behold I see that they are showing “The Net”. Remember back in the mid-90’s when USA actually thought it was a real network and put out stuff like “Silk Stalkings”, “Pacific Blue”, “Duckman”, and “Weird Science”? Well, near the end of that run, they put out “The Net”. This was based on the horrible Sandra Bullock movie of the same name. Basically, it picks up with Angela Bennett being hunted by some secret society because she found out they were trying to control the world through computers or something. Yeah, totally lame, but it was a good show. She get’s help along the way from computer hacker master “Sorcerer” (voiced by Tim Curry). It turns out that “Sorcerer” is just some horn-dog teenager, but he knows computers and helps Angela try to unmask the secret society. I know it sounds totally lame, but I liked it and was excited about it actually resurfacing (even if they make it sound like all you need to do to hack a computer is pound on the key board for about 10 seconds and frighten older people into not trusting computers). Anyway, I set the DVR for later viewing. So I go to check out he beginning, and it turns out it wasn’t “The Net”. Every time I DVR-ed over the last few days, it's either been a show about out of control fires or Tom Brokow telling me that I destroyed the world because I used to drive a SUV. It was a complete douche.
I love finding random short-lived shows on TV. Basically, the channels that put them on are basically saying “we don’t have any other programming to show” and they hope that people like me will tune in. Well, if they keep putting them on, I’ll keep watching. Now, if I could only find reruns of “Salute Your Shorts”, all will be right with the world.
The gold strike came when I was flipping through the channels I never go to (around the 800’s) and found the Universal HD channel. I wasn’t sure what it was but it was showing the movie “Blue Steel” and if that doesn’t say something, I don’t know what does. So, I decide to check the guide to see what other gems this TV channel might unearth (for you fans, they had “Friday Night Lights” reruns). I was frakking shocked when I saw “Touching Evil”. For those of you who don’t know (and I’ll guess it’s a lot considering it got cancelled), “Touching Evil” was one of the very few really good adaptations of a British show to American TV. The show starts off with Detective David Creegan walking into a room with his gun drawn. He turns around to be faced with a masked gunman pointing his gun at him. The gunman then shoots Creegan in the head and he goes falling out a big plate glass window. Creegan takes years to recover (even being clinically dead for a short time) and returns to work at the Organized and Serial Crime Unit in the FBI. While Creegan is strange and a bit kooky, he also has an amazing ability of understanding the criminal mind and a drive to take the evil off the street. He is teamed up with Detective Susan Branca and together they hunt the sociopaths who break the laws and harm the people. It was a frakking great show (it made Bravo’s “brilliant but cancelled” series). It’s funny and dark and haunting (and not just because of the Nine Inch Nails songs they play) and just plain gripping. The USA Network cancelled it after one season, but I always remembered it and I always liked it. So, of course, I DVR-ed the episode that was on and will watch when I get the chance. Totally sweet ninjas!
The next was a complete strike out. I was checking out the Science Channel to see when re-runs of “Survivorman” was on (because its cool to sit on your couch and watch some dude try and survive in harsh conditions he puts himself in purposely for my entertainment) and I went to the guide to check it out. Low and behold I see that they are showing “The Net”. Remember back in the mid-90’s when USA actually thought it was a real network and put out stuff like “Silk Stalkings”, “Pacific Blue”, “Duckman”, and “Weird Science”? Well, near the end of that run, they put out “The Net”. This was based on the horrible Sandra Bullock movie of the same name. Basically, it picks up with Angela Bennett being hunted by some secret society because she found out they were trying to control the world through computers or something. Yeah, totally lame, but it was a good show. She get’s help along the way from computer hacker master “Sorcerer” (voiced by Tim Curry). It turns out that “Sorcerer” is just some horn-dog teenager, but he knows computers and helps Angela try to unmask the secret society. I know it sounds totally lame, but I liked it and was excited about it actually resurfacing (even if they make it sound like all you need to do to hack a computer is pound on the key board for about 10 seconds and frighten older people into not trusting computers). Anyway, I set the DVR for later viewing. So I go to check out he beginning, and it turns out it wasn’t “The Net”. Every time I DVR-ed over the last few days, it's either been a show about out of control fires or Tom Brokow telling me that I destroyed the world because I used to drive a SUV. It was a complete douche.
I love finding random short-lived shows on TV. Basically, the channels that put them on are basically saying “we don’t have any other programming to show” and they hope that people like me will tune in. Well, if they keep putting them on, I’ll keep watching. Now, if I could only find reruns of “Salute Your Shorts”, all will be right with the world.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Where’s The Green Kryptonite When You Need It?
As some of you may or may not know, last weekend the Duchess went to the NYC to visit friends and left me to fend for myself for two whole days. Her two rules for me were “no hookers” and “no friends of ill-repute”. Since I like remaining STD free and since Seamus now lives in upstate NY, I was cool with the rules. So, I stocked up on the essentials (beer) and settled in to burn a hole in my DVR. You’ll all be happy to learn that I turned sloth into an art form and got rid of a lot of stuff that had been sitting in my queue (some since July 2007). I could talk to you about the second season of “Heroes” (who knew Hiro could be that dark), the appearance of both Brian Bloom and Brian Austin Green in “The Sarah Connor Chronicles”, the utter debacle that was the last few episodes of “Hex”, or make excuses as to why I still watch “Stargate: Atlantis”, I’m going to talk about the last few episodes of “Smallville”.
Now, as my faithful readers know (all 2 of them), I continually bash on “Smallville”, yet still watch it. Well, buckle up, because the bashing is about to begin. I watched the last 3 episodes and it wasn’t pretty. First, there was the episode where Lana finally figured out she was sleeping with Bizarro, as if the complete difference in mood, clothes, and aversion to the sun didn’t tip her off. Chloe figured it out in like 5 minutes, yet the woman who lives with him was totally oblivious to the situation. Basically, Clark got out of stasis, went to movie version Jimmy Olsen (playing some Kryptonian scientist) to get some blue kryptonite to defeat Bizzaro, all while Brainiac pulled the strings. Seriously, find me one Kryptonian who didn’t go to Earth. Anyway, I got through this episode because I wanted to see the next one, which featured the return of Green Arrow and the appearance of Black Canary (forever ending my dream of turning Chloe into Black Canary, moving her to Star City, spinning off Green Arrow into his own show, and ending the misery that is “Smallville”). My boy Dewey put it best when he said, and I quote “that isn’t Black Canary”. Well, whatever it was, it sucked. She was all willing to stand up for truth and justice, just not do any research into it and take people’s word that they were in the right. Plus, she used her Canary Cry to stop Green Arrow’s arrows. It was just lame. Plus, Ollie shouldn’t have been all caring when he let down Lois. He should have said “Listen, if I was into chicks that are into Botox and plastic surgery, my billionaire playboy ass could find a better looking chick than you.” But hey, that’s just my opinion. This moves us to the cream of the crop.
We get an episode where Lex takes a bullet in the head, gets dumped along the side of the road and survives. When I say bullet to the head, I mean dead center in the forehead. Plus, he got airlifted out of Detroit to Smallville, Kansas (thankfully, according to Lionel). So, not only does he survive the bullet in the brain, but also survives the transport to the roadside, the dumping, the getting picked up and taken to the Detroit hospital, the stay at the Detroit hospital, and the airlifting to Smallville, Kansas? ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS????? No, wait, it gets better. Lex was in Detroit looking for Kara, who no one seemed to give two shits about, since no one mentioned her or went looking for her. Now, Lex is the only one who knows why he was in Detroit and who shot him. With the bullet in the brain, you gotta figure we’re douched on this one. Oh wait, Lex just so happened to have developed a device for the military where one person can enter another’s mind and find the information they are looking for, however the program was discontinued because it was dangerous and lead to deaths. I wish I was joking. So, Clark enters his brain. Now remember, Lex is still suffering from the bullet in the brain that would kill normal people, so they unhook him from all the medical equipment and prop him upright into the machine (I’m sure that is perfectly healthy). So, when we get in there, Clark sees Lex as he is today trying to kill the little boy in him and Clark sets out to protect him and help him and God I’m getting a headache recounting this. All I know was that it was fucking horrible. Basically, Lex flat-lines on the table (big shocker) and Chloe brings him back to life with her powers (which just involve using her hands and not her tears now). As she collapses, it brings Clark out of Lex’s brain, to see Chloe “close to death” according to Lionel. Obviously Lionel doesn’t know the difference been alive and dead because the next scene, Clark tells a now awake Chloe that her heart didn’t beat for 18 hours. Plus, we find out Lex is right as rain and Kara is back. I’m not sure I remember too much of it because blood was coming out of my eyes at the time. I do remember one important thing about this episode. They shamelessly ripped off music from “Torchwood”, forever linking the two shows and somehow diminishing my respect for the great British show, and that is unforgivable.
I miss good “Smallville”. I think the only reason I still watch it is because I hope it gets back to that. If it doesn’t get better by the end of the season, it is definitely getting cut, and Smallville doctors and Chloe’s superpowers won’t cure that cut.
Now, as my faithful readers know (all 2 of them), I continually bash on “Smallville”, yet still watch it. Well, buckle up, because the bashing is about to begin. I watched the last 3 episodes and it wasn’t pretty. First, there was the episode where Lana finally figured out she was sleeping with Bizarro, as if the complete difference in mood, clothes, and aversion to the sun didn’t tip her off. Chloe figured it out in like 5 minutes, yet the woman who lives with him was totally oblivious to the situation. Basically, Clark got out of stasis, went to movie version Jimmy Olsen (playing some Kryptonian scientist) to get some blue kryptonite to defeat Bizzaro, all while Brainiac pulled the strings. Seriously, find me one Kryptonian who didn’t go to Earth. Anyway, I got through this episode because I wanted to see the next one, which featured the return of Green Arrow and the appearance of Black Canary (forever ending my dream of turning Chloe into Black Canary, moving her to Star City, spinning off Green Arrow into his own show, and ending the misery that is “Smallville”). My boy Dewey put it best when he said, and I quote “that isn’t Black Canary”. Well, whatever it was, it sucked. She was all willing to stand up for truth and justice, just not do any research into it and take people’s word that they were in the right. Plus, she used her Canary Cry to stop Green Arrow’s arrows. It was just lame. Plus, Ollie shouldn’t have been all caring when he let down Lois. He should have said “Listen, if I was into chicks that are into Botox and plastic surgery, my billionaire playboy ass could find a better looking chick than you.” But hey, that’s just my opinion. This moves us to the cream of the crop.
We get an episode where Lex takes a bullet in the head, gets dumped along the side of the road and survives. When I say bullet to the head, I mean dead center in the forehead. Plus, he got airlifted out of Detroit to Smallville, Kansas (thankfully, according to Lionel). So, not only does he survive the bullet in the brain, but also survives the transport to the roadside, the dumping, the getting picked up and taken to the Detroit hospital, the stay at the Detroit hospital, and the airlifting to Smallville, Kansas? ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS????? No, wait, it gets better. Lex was in Detroit looking for Kara, who no one seemed to give two shits about, since no one mentioned her or went looking for her. Now, Lex is the only one who knows why he was in Detroit and who shot him. With the bullet in the brain, you gotta figure we’re douched on this one. Oh wait, Lex just so happened to have developed a device for the military where one person can enter another’s mind and find the information they are looking for, however the program was discontinued because it was dangerous and lead to deaths. I wish I was joking. So, Clark enters his brain. Now remember, Lex is still suffering from the bullet in the brain that would kill normal people, so they unhook him from all the medical equipment and prop him upright into the machine (I’m sure that is perfectly healthy). So, when we get in there, Clark sees Lex as he is today trying to kill the little boy in him and Clark sets out to protect him and help him and God I’m getting a headache recounting this. All I know was that it was fucking horrible. Basically, Lex flat-lines on the table (big shocker) and Chloe brings him back to life with her powers (which just involve using her hands and not her tears now). As she collapses, it brings Clark out of Lex’s brain, to see Chloe “close to death” according to Lionel. Obviously Lionel doesn’t know the difference been alive and dead because the next scene, Clark tells a now awake Chloe that her heart didn’t beat for 18 hours. Plus, we find out Lex is right as rain and Kara is back. I’m not sure I remember too much of it because blood was coming out of my eyes at the time. I do remember one important thing about this episode. They shamelessly ripped off music from “Torchwood”, forever linking the two shows and somehow diminishing my respect for the great British show, and that is unforgivable.
I miss good “Smallville”. I think the only reason I still watch it is because I hope it gets back to that. If it doesn’t get better by the end of the season, it is definitely getting cut, and Smallville doctors and Chloe’s superpowers won’t cure that cut.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Bruce Jenner, Hannah Montana, and Other Thoughts
When is Tone Loc going to release new music?
I noticed a few years ago that Snow released a Best Of album. Why would anyone want to buy a blank CD with the picture of a white rapper on the cover?
Now that the writer’s strike is over, how long is it going to take the extra money in writer’s contracts to offset the loss of salary from the strike? When will the writers see the economic benefit or is that a question we shouldn’t ask?
Okay, Clemens asserts that he has not taken steroids. Now, if he had just kept his gob shut, this might have blown over, but he had to make a big stink about it. So, instead of it just being one blowhard with a grudge in a report that has no legal basis, this has all blown up in Clemens face. His best friend admits to taking HGH, and says that Clemens talked to him about taking steroids, only to recant the conversation 2 years ago. Clemens defense for all this? He was misunderstood. Um, okay. His trainer (the blowhard with a grudge) can produce gauze pads and syringes with Clemens DNA. He has also said he provided Clemens wife with steroids to help her tone up for a SI photo. As the evidence mounts, the only guy in Clemens corner who is not related to him or being paid by him is Jose Canseco. That’s not exactly a good thing. If he had just stayed quiet, a lot of people would have probably just chalked it up to one trainer trying to get a reduced sentence. Now, no one believes this guy except his apologists (like Tim Kurkjian from ESPN) and people on his payroll. Actually, does his lawyer actually believe this crap?
While watching “Family Guy” reruns at night, I keep getting bombarded with ads for the Monster Truck rally in Providence (tickets still available!!!). It gives guys who would normally like this sort of thing the two things that will get them to go, cars getting crushed and slutty chicks. What more would a mouth breather want? The chicks are sketchy too. They keep showing the same two. The first one has bleached blond hair and funbags that enter a room 5 seconds before she does. The second one looks like if you offered her $50, she would perform a Lewinsky on you. I think these were the only two who made the cut, and it must have been tough to find them in the sea of toothless hags and girls from Indianapolis.
I was reading that people are all up in arms that Miley Cyrus wasn’t wearing a seatbelt in her “movie”. One, I’m more worried about this girl taking over the world than her safety precautions. Two, who gives a flying fuck! Seriously, is any tween girl going to see this and be like “hey, Hannah Montana doesn’t wear a seatbelt, neither will I.”? If any girl thought that, she definitely deserves to be catapulted out the windshield. I think the bigger worry should be WHY WOULD SOMEONE PAY FOR SOMETHING THEY CAN SEE ON DISNEY CHANNEL!!!!! Where do these kids get their disposable income?
Bruce Jenner has failed the first rule of raising a daughter. Unfortunately, I fell victim to “mouth breather-ness” a couple of weeks ago when flipping through the channels and happened upon the fifth circle of hell, also know as the “reality” show “Keeping Up With The Kardashians”. If I explained the concept to you, my brain would probably explode so let’s get to the good stuff. Bruce has been married a few times before his current wife and has a few boys to his credit. His wife was married to high priced LA attorney Robert Kardashian, whose claim to fame before he died was making murder legal for former football players. Now Bruce has three step-daughters and two kids of his own with his current wife. His step-daughters are all “models” (read: whores). So anyway, Bruce’s wife gets a call from some sleaze bag who wants to hire the girls to pimp his line of bathing suits or something, so Mom does the right thing and lies Bruce about it, because he doesn’t want his step-daughters to be perceived as whores (too late). So, they go off to Mexico or something and leave Bruce at home with his two younger daughters (probably like 10 and 12). However, Bruce catches wind of the lie and decides to go to Mexico and set some shit straight, so he calls up one of his older son’s to come and look after the kids. Anyway, while there, the son invites one of his idiot friends over and the little girls are running all over the place. They find a stripper pole in one of the bedrooms (what girl has a stripper pole in their bedroom? That’s reserved for football players and rappers). The young girls than proceed to practice their stripper moves, all the while being video taped by the son’s idiot friend (who is probably in his early 20’s). Let me put this plainly, an early 20’s guy is taping two girls, ages 10 and 12, practicing stripper moves on a stripper pole. Anyway, as disgusting as this is, Bruce Jenner failed the first rule of raising a daughter, which is, KEEP HER OFF THE POLE AT ALL COSTS. Bruce should have to turn in all the gold medals he won for this country in the Olympics for letting this happen. It’s bad enough if your girls become strippers, but letting the nation know about it by watching a horrible TV is beyond the pale. There is no reasonable excuse for this. Of course, there is no reasonable excuse for me watching this drivel, but that’s beside the point.
I noticed a few years ago that Snow released a Best Of album. Why would anyone want to buy a blank CD with the picture of a white rapper on the cover?
Now that the writer’s strike is over, how long is it going to take the extra money in writer’s contracts to offset the loss of salary from the strike? When will the writers see the economic benefit or is that a question we shouldn’t ask?
Okay, Clemens asserts that he has not taken steroids. Now, if he had just kept his gob shut, this might have blown over, but he had to make a big stink about it. So, instead of it just being one blowhard with a grudge in a report that has no legal basis, this has all blown up in Clemens face. His best friend admits to taking HGH, and says that Clemens talked to him about taking steroids, only to recant the conversation 2 years ago. Clemens defense for all this? He was misunderstood. Um, okay. His trainer (the blowhard with a grudge) can produce gauze pads and syringes with Clemens DNA. He has also said he provided Clemens wife with steroids to help her tone up for a SI photo. As the evidence mounts, the only guy in Clemens corner who is not related to him or being paid by him is Jose Canseco. That’s not exactly a good thing. If he had just stayed quiet, a lot of people would have probably just chalked it up to one trainer trying to get a reduced sentence. Now, no one believes this guy except his apologists (like Tim Kurkjian from ESPN) and people on his payroll. Actually, does his lawyer actually believe this crap?
While watching “Family Guy” reruns at night, I keep getting bombarded with ads for the Monster Truck rally in Providence (tickets still available!!!). It gives guys who would normally like this sort of thing the two things that will get them to go, cars getting crushed and slutty chicks. What more would a mouth breather want? The chicks are sketchy too. They keep showing the same two. The first one has bleached blond hair and funbags that enter a room 5 seconds before she does. The second one looks like if you offered her $50, she would perform a Lewinsky on you. I think these were the only two who made the cut, and it must have been tough to find them in the sea of toothless hags and girls from Indianapolis.
I was reading that people are all up in arms that Miley Cyrus wasn’t wearing a seatbelt in her “movie”. One, I’m more worried about this girl taking over the world than her safety precautions. Two, who gives a flying fuck! Seriously, is any tween girl going to see this and be like “hey, Hannah Montana doesn’t wear a seatbelt, neither will I.”? If any girl thought that, she definitely deserves to be catapulted out the windshield. I think the bigger worry should be WHY WOULD SOMEONE PAY FOR SOMETHING THEY CAN SEE ON DISNEY CHANNEL!!!!! Where do these kids get their disposable income?
Bruce Jenner has failed the first rule of raising a daughter. Unfortunately, I fell victim to “mouth breather-ness” a couple of weeks ago when flipping through the channels and happened upon the fifth circle of hell, also know as the “reality” show “Keeping Up With The Kardashians”. If I explained the concept to you, my brain would probably explode so let’s get to the good stuff. Bruce has been married a few times before his current wife and has a few boys to his credit. His wife was married to high priced LA attorney Robert Kardashian, whose claim to fame before he died was making murder legal for former football players. Now Bruce has three step-daughters and two kids of his own with his current wife. His step-daughters are all “models” (read: whores). So anyway, Bruce’s wife gets a call from some sleaze bag who wants to hire the girls to pimp his line of bathing suits or something, so Mom does the right thing and lies Bruce about it, because he doesn’t want his step-daughters to be perceived as whores (too late). So, they go off to Mexico or something and leave Bruce at home with his two younger daughters (probably like 10 and 12). However, Bruce catches wind of the lie and decides to go to Mexico and set some shit straight, so he calls up one of his older son’s to come and look after the kids. Anyway, while there, the son invites one of his idiot friends over and the little girls are running all over the place. They find a stripper pole in one of the bedrooms (what girl has a stripper pole in their bedroom? That’s reserved for football players and rappers). The young girls than proceed to practice their stripper moves, all the while being video taped by the son’s idiot friend (who is probably in his early 20’s). Let me put this plainly, an early 20’s guy is taping two girls, ages 10 and 12, practicing stripper moves on a stripper pole. Anyway, as disgusting as this is, Bruce Jenner failed the first rule of raising a daughter, which is, KEEP HER OFF THE POLE AT ALL COSTS. Bruce should have to turn in all the gold medals he won for this country in the Olympics for letting this happen. It’s bad enough if your girls become strippers, but letting the nation know about it by watching a horrible TV is beyond the pale. There is no reasonable excuse for this. Of course, there is no reasonable excuse for me watching this drivel, but that’s beside the point.
Monday, February 11, 2008
Strike Busting
Word on the street is that the writer’s strike is coming to an end. Now, no deal has been finalized, but I will say that if the production company’s gave a lot of ground, I will be shocked. Remember what I said earlier, these rich old guys got to be rich old guys by not giving money away. Plus, production companies and networks are getting by on re-runs, busted pilots, and reality TV. Look at FOX, they are getting the sheep to tune in for a reality show where you strap degenerates into a lie detector test and ask them crap like “have you ever gambled away your child’s college fund?” Where do you find people where this would be a tough question to answer? I mean, besides New York. While I’m happy that the strike is possibly nearing an end there are some drawbacks, which I will detail here (in popular list format):
1) The Lowest Common Denominator Factor – Basically, we won’t get to figure out just how far the reality shows will get. The one listed above is pretty much the barometer for how low the networks can go (I don’t count the crap they put on MTV, VH1, E! Entertainment, and a possible lesbian dating show on Logo (I just made that up and I’m sure I could get 5 million viewers)). I mean, think about the amount of people you could get to watch a show about a widowed Amish father of 3 marrying a crack whore from LA. Imagine the intrigue. For sweeps, you could have “Destiny” get her AIDS results in or you could have her trying to inject churned butter into her veins. I just want to know how scummy the networks will get.
2) The Overseas Factor – The return of network TV (and crap like “ER”) means that we won’t get cool shows from BBC or CTV on our airways. I mean, imagine if the CW started showing reruns of “Edgemont” or if CBS put on “MI-5” or even if the networks started development deals with BBC. The quality of programming would vastly increase. Of course, the drawback is people might have to start to think, and we wouldn’t want that.
3) The Starving Writer’s Factor – This was the best running subplot during this whole strike. I was wondering when your poor struggling writer was going to figure he couldn’t survive on Romen anymore and started writing again. Plus, with production companies laying off non-writers because of the strike, the writers were become the most hated union strikers since……well, no one likes union strikers.
4) The What Will They Put on Next Factor – Sort of goes hand in hand with my number 1, except you also get some scripted crap in there too. FOX was all ready to pull a “Manchester Prep” and pretend like “New Amsterdam” never existed. All of a sudden, we get a writers strike, and the idea of an immortal NYC cop who needs to find true love to become mortal doesn’t sound so bad. I love it when networks burn off crap pilots, for two reasons. One, you get to see something that networks actually don’t want to put on the air (and think of the crap they do put on the air). Two, you can almost hear the exec’s rooting for it to fail, but not too miserably since they need the ad revenues.
5) The DVR Factor – Thanks to the writer’s strike and all the crap they put on TV, I get a chance to clear out my DVR. Right now, I’m in the middle of “Heroes”. Yeah, I know it finished months ago, but I’m finally getting around to it now, because I have an abundance of time. An off-shoot of this is the “DVD Factor”, in which I get to watch stuff from the past, like “Remington Steele” and “Silk Stalkings”. Good times.
6) The Duchess Factor – With less TV, I get to spend quality time talking with my girlfriend (I just threw this in here in case she actually reads my inane rants).
Now, with all that said, the good far outweighs the bad when it comes to the strike ending. I mean, I might get new episodes of “Lost” quicker than I normally would (man, that show just sucked me right in again). I just hope the strike accomplished the one thing I really wanted. I want them to blow up the current network format and move to a more year round format, sort of like how cable does it. Shorten the seasons, don’t let things get stale, and give us a rotational schedule. I mean, the British do that, and look at how good there stuff is. Of course, this is American TV. Stale and repetitive is what it’s all about.
1) The Lowest Common Denominator Factor – Basically, we won’t get to figure out just how far the reality shows will get. The one listed above is pretty much the barometer for how low the networks can go (I don’t count the crap they put on MTV, VH1, E! Entertainment, and a possible lesbian dating show on Logo (I just made that up and I’m sure I could get 5 million viewers)). I mean, think about the amount of people you could get to watch a show about a widowed Amish father of 3 marrying a crack whore from LA. Imagine the intrigue. For sweeps, you could have “Destiny” get her AIDS results in or you could have her trying to inject churned butter into her veins. I just want to know how scummy the networks will get.
2) The Overseas Factor – The return of network TV (and crap like “ER”) means that we won’t get cool shows from BBC or CTV on our airways. I mean, imagine if the CW started showing reruns of “Edgemont” or if CBS put on “MI-5” or even if the networks started development deals with BBC. The quality of programming would vastly increase. Of course, the drawback is people might have to start to think, and we wouldn’t want that.
3) The Starving Writer’s Factor – This was the best running subplot during this whole strike. I was wondering when your poor struggling writer was going to figure he couldn’t survive on Romen anymore and started writing again. Plus, with production companies laying off non-writers because of the strike, the writers were become the most hated union strikers since……well, no one likes union strikers.
4) The What Will They Put on Next Factor – Sort of goes hand in hand with my number 1, except you also get some scripted crap in there too. FOX was all ready to pull a “Manchester Prep” and pretend like “New Amsterdam” never existed. All of a sudden, we get a writers strike, and the idea of an immortal NYC cop who needs to find true love to become mortal doesn’t sound so bad. I love it when networks burn off crap pilots, for two reasons. One, you get to see something that networks actually don’t want to put on the air (and think of the crap they do put on the air). Two, you can almost hear the exec’s rooting for it to fail, but not too miserably since they need the ad revenues.
5) The DVR Factor – Thanks to the writer’s strike and all the crap they put on TV, I get a chance to clear out my DVR. Right now, I’m in the middle of “Heroes”. Yeah, I know it finished months ago, but I’m finally getting around to it now, because I have an abundance of time. An off-shoot of this is the “DVD Factor”, in which I get to watch stuff from the past, like “Remington Steele” and “Silk Stalkings”. Good times.
6) The Duchess Factor – With less TV, I get to spend quality time talking with my girlfriend (I just threw this in here in case she actually reads my inane rants).
Now, with all that said, the good far outweighs the bad when it comes to the strike ending. I mean, I might get new episodes of “Lost” quicker than I normally would (man, that show just sucked me right in again). I just hope the strike accomplished the one thing I really wanted. I want them to blow up the current network format and move to a more year round format, sort of like how cable does it. Shorten the seasons, don’t let things get stale, and give us a rotational schedule. I mean, the British do that, and look at how good there stuff is. Of course, this is American TV. Stale and repetitive is what it’s all about.
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
WTF? - My Look At The Super Bowl
Fuck. That’s the expletive that pretty much crossed my mind at the end of the game (forgive my delay, just started a new job, hard to post blog entries when people are training you). I would have typed this up on Sunday night or Monday morning, but there the entry would have been an expletive laden rant that was pretty much incoherent, and no one wants that (except maybe Andrew Dice Clay). I had to let my anger dissipate, or at least direct it in more worthy targets. In fact, I probably could have gone without an entry all together, figuring the talking heads and columnists have rehashed the game to death and one more idiotic nobody droning on about the missed opportunities and bad calls would have nothing useful to add. Now, I’m more focused on the idiotic talking heads and columnists and their arm-chair quarterbacking.
I live in the Boston area and, stupidly, listen to sports talk radio. Now, since my daily commute in my car is approximately half a mile to the train station, I don’t get to hear a lot. What I have heard is quite bombastic. Basically, they are calling for everything short of tying up Belichick and burning him at the stake, and anyone who dares disagree is shouted down and blown up. While I will agree that coaches in football have a higher degree of control on the game, the game comes down to execution. You can know the other team’s plays but it won’t do a bit of good unless you can stop it favorably. Case in point, the 2001 Snow Bowl. Everyone remembers the tuck/fumble of Tom Brady, but not how it came about. Brady was on the sideline talking to Weis and Belichick about the play that should be called. Erstwhile Raiders defensive back Eric Allen was lingering near by and heard the play call. He knew where Brady was planning to go with the ball and was going to jump the route, intercept the ball, pretty much seal the game, and get his pick of cheerleaders. So, what happened? Brady dropped back, was about to throw the ball and saw Allen jump the route, so he went to tuck the ball, got hit by Woodson, and well, you know the rest. If Allen had executed his deception better, the Patriots dynasty takes a whole different path. This being said, I don’t think the Belichick told his offensive line to turn into Swiss cheese or his defensive backs to give up big pass plays. But that’s what talk radio would want you to believe.
Now, I’m not letting him off the hook. I felt the play calling was a little conservative. However, the one time he wasn’t conservative, the infamous 4th and 13, everyone is jumping down his throat. Everyone is thinking that the Pats would have made a simple 49 yard field goal. They were in an area of the field where they always go for it on 4th down and, since the game was close, field position would make a lot of difference. So, the pundits want the Pats to change exactly what it was that they have been doing all year. I, for one, thought they should go for it and understand the reasoning behind it. Also, the offense was flat most of the game, they actually had penetration into Giants territory, I think they should have gone for it.
There is a certain ESPN columnist (who shall remain nameless in this entry, but not in previous entries of mine) who was saying that he saw the signs of a Patriots loss. This is complete and utter crap. There were no signs that this was going to happen. Tom Brady not jumping up and down like a giddy schoolgirl does not signify ANYTHING. I don’t remember him doing this in the second or third Super Bowls, so why is it a huge deal now? Also, the recently deceased Tom Petty signing “Free Fallin” during halftime is not an omen of the Patriots collapse. It was a formally popular rock singer reaching back into his drug-addled brain to sing a song most people have actually heard, nothing more. Plus, Tom Brady’s ankle had zero bearing on the game. He didn’t have time to set his feet and throw, so I don’t think his ankle hindered the offensive line. GET OVER YOURSELF YOU SELF-IMPORTANT PRICK! Damn Simmons, you piss me off. If Samuel caught that interception, if Manning had been sacked, or if Harrison had knocked the ball free (all happened on the last drive), then your self-righteous rant is meaningless and you probably would have favored us all with your inane comments and insights about how you knew all along that the Pats would pull it off.
Anyway, there is a fair amount of blame to go to Belichick, but let’s not lay all the blame there. Let’s also not give him a free pass because of what he’s done in the past. Let’s add this to his body of work and look forward to next year. That’s all we can do.
I live in the Boston area and, stupidly, listen to sports talk radio. Now, since my daily commute in my car is approximately half a mile to the train station, I don’t get to hear a lot. What I have heard is quite bombastic. Basically, they are calling for everything short of tying up Belichick and burning him at the stake, and anyone who dares disagree is shouted down and blown up. While I will agree that coaches in football have a higher degree of control on the game, the game comes down to execution. You can know the other team’s plays but it won’t do a bit of good unless you can stop it favorably. Case in point, the 2001 Snow Bowl. Everyone remembers the tuck/fumble of Tom Brady, but not how it came about. Brady was on the sideline talking to Weis and Belichick about the play that should be called. Erstwhile Raiders defensive back Eric Allen was lingering near by and heard the play call. He knew where Brady was planning to go with the ball and was going to jump the route, intercept the ball, pretty much seal the game, and get his pick of cheerleaders. So, what happened? Brady dropped back, was about to throw the ball and saw Allen jump the route, so he went to tuck the ball, got hit by Woodson, and well, you know the rest. If Allen had executed his deception better, the Patriots dynasty takes a whole different path. This being said, I don’t think the Belichick told his offensive line to turn into Swiss cheese or his defensive backs to give up big pass plays. But that’s what talk radio would want you to believe.
Now, I’m not letting him off the hook. I felt the play calling was a little conservative. However, the one time he wasn’t conservative, the infamous 4th and 13, everyone is jumping down his throat. Everyone is thinking that the Pats would have made a simple 49 yard field goal. They were in an area of the field where they always go for it on 4th down and, since the game was close, field position would make a lot of difference. So, the pundits want the Pats to change exactly what it was that they have been doing all year. I, for one, thought they should go for it and understand the reasoning behind it. Also, the offense was flat most of the game, they actually had penetration into Giants territory, I think they should have gone for it.
There is a certain ESPN columnist (who shall remain nameless in this entry, but not in previous entries of mine) who was saying that he saw the signs of a Patriots loss. This is complete and utter crap. There were no signs that this was going to happen. Tom Brady not jumping up and down like a giddy schoolgirl does not signify ANYTHING. I don’t remember him doing this in the second or third Super Bowls, so why is it a huge deal now? Also, the recently deceased Tom Petty signing “Free Fallin” during halftime is not an omen of the Patriots collapse. It was a formally popular rock singer reaching back into his drug-addled brain to sing a song most people have actually heard, nothing more. Plus, Tom Brady’s ankle had zero bearing on the game. He didn’t have time to set his feet and throw, so I don’t think his ankle hindered the offensive line. GET OVER YOURSELF YOU SELF-IMPORTANT PRICK! Damn Simmons, you piss me off. If Samuel caught that interception, if Manning had been sacked, or if Harrison had knocked the ball free (all happened on the last drive), then your self-righteous rant is meaningless and you probably would have favored us all with your inane comments and insights about how you knew all along that the Pats would pull it off.
Anyway, there is a fair amount of blame to go to Belichick, but let’s not lay all the blame there. Let’s also not give him a free pass because of what he’s done in the past. Let’s add this to his body of work and look forward to next year. That’s all we can do.
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