Where’s The Green Kryptonite When You Need It?

As some of you may or may not know, last weekend the Duchess went to the NYC to visit friends and left me to fend for myself for two whole days. Her two rules for me were “no hookers” and “no friends of ill-repute”. Since I like remaining STD free and since Seamus now lives in upstate NY, I was cool with the rules. So, I stocked up on the essentials (beer) and settled in to burn a hole in my DVR. You’ll all be happy to learn that I turned sloth into an art form and got rid of a lot of stuff that had been sitting in my queue (some since July 2007). I could talk to you about the second season of “Heroes” (who knew Hiro could be that dark), the appearance of both Brian Bloom and Brian Austin Green in “The Sarah Connor Chronicles”, the utter debacle that was the last few episodes of “Hex”, or make excuses as to why I still watch “Stargate: Atlantis”, I’m going to talk about the last few episodes of “Smallville”.

Now, as my faithful readers know (all 2 of them), I continually bash on “Smallville”, yet still watch it. Well, buckle up, because the bashing is about to begin. I watched the last 3 episodes and it wasn’t pretty. First, there was the episode where Lana finally figured out she was sleeping with Bizarro, as if the complete difference in mood, clothes, and aversion to the sun didn’t tip her off. Chloe figured it out in like 5 minutes, yet the woman who lives with him was totally oblivious to the situation. Basically, Clark got out of stasis, went to movie version Jimmy Olsen (playing some Kryptonian scientist) to get some blue kryptonite to defeat Bizzaro, all while Brainiac pulled the strings. Seriously, find me one Kryptonian who didn’t go to Earth. Anyway, I got through this episode because I wanted to see the next one, which featured the return of Green Arrow and the appearance of Black Canary (forever ending my dream of turning Chloe into Black Canary, moving her to Star City, spinning off Green Arrow into his own show, and ending the misery that is “Smallville”). My boy Dewey put it best when he said, and I quote “that isn’t Black Canary”. Well, whatever it was, it sucked. She was all willing to stand up for truth and justice, just not do any research into it and take people’s word that they were in the right. Plus, she used her Canary Cry to stop Green Arrow’s arrows. It was just lame. Plus, Ollie shouldn’t have been all caring when he let down Lois. He should have said “Listen, if I was into chicks that are into Botox and plastic surgery, my billionaire playboy ass could find a better looking chick than you.” But hey, that’s just my opinion. This moves us to the cream of the crop.

We get an episode where Lex takes a bullet in the head, gets dumped along the side of the road and survives. When I say bullet to the head, I mean dead center in the forehead. Plus, he got airlifted out of Detroit to Smallville, Kansas (thankfully, according to Lionel). So, not only does he survive the bullet in the brain, but also survives the transport to the roadside, the dumping, the getting picked up and taken to the Detroit hospital, the stay at the Detroit hospital, and the airlifting to Smallville, Kansas? ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS????? No, wait, it gets better. Lex was in Detroit looking for Kara, who no one seemed to give two shits about, since no one mentioned her or went looking for her. Now, Lex is the only one who knows why he was in Detroit and who shot him. With the bullet in the brain, you gotta figure we’re douched on this one. Oh wait, Lex just so happened to have developed a device for the military where one person can enter another’s mind and find the information they are looking for, however the program was discontinued because it was dangerous and lead to deaths. I wish I was joking. So, Clark enters his brain. Now remember, Lex is still suffering from the bullet in the brain that would kill normal people, so they unhook him from all the medical equipment and prop him upright into the machine (I’m sure that is perfectly healthy). So, when we get in there, Clark sees Lex as he is today trying to kill the little boy in him and Clark sets out to protect him and help him and God I’m getting a headache recounting this. All I know was that it was fucking horrible. Basically, Lex flat-lines on the table (big shocker) and Chloe brings him back to life with her powers (which just involve using her hands and not her tears now). As she collapses, it brings Clark out of Lex’s brain, to see Chloe “close to death” according to Lionel. Obviously Lionel doesn’t know the difference been alive and dead because the next scene, Clark tells a now awake Chloe that her heart didn’t beat for 18 hours. Plus, we find out Lex is right as rain and Kara is back. I’m not sure I remember too much of it because blood was coming out of my eyes at the time. I do remember one important thing about this episode. They shamelessly ripped off music from “Torchwood”, forever linking the two shows and somehow diminishing my respect for the great British show, and that is unforgivable.

I miss good “Smallville”. I think the only reason I still watch it is because I hope it gets back to that. If it doesn’t get better by the end of the season, it is definitely getting cut, and Smallville doctors and Chloe’s superpowers won’t cure that cut.