Bruce Jenner, Hannah Montana, and Other Thoughts

When is Tone Loc going to release new music?

I noticed a few years ago that Snow released a Best Of album. Why would anyone want to buy a blank CD with the picture of a white rapper on the cover?

Now that the writer’s strike is over, how long is it going to take the extra money in writer’s contracts to offset the loss of salary from the strike? When will the writers see the economic benefit or is that a question we shouldn’t ask?

Okay, Clemens asserts that he has not taken steroids. Now, if he had just kept his gob shut, this might have blown over, but he had to make a big stink about it. So, instead of it just being one blowhard with a grudge in a report that has no legal basis, this has all blown up in Clemens face. His best friend admits to taking HGH, and says that Clemens talked to him about taking steroids, only to recant the conversation 2 years ago. Clemens defense for all this? He was misunderstood. Um, okay. His trainer (the blowhard with a grudge) can produce gauze pads and syringes with Clemens DNA. He has also said he provided Clemens wife with steroids to help her tone up for a SI photo. As the evidence mounts, the only guy in Clemens corner who is not related to him or being paid by him is Jose Canseco. That’s not exactly a good thing. If he had just stayed quiet, a lot of people would have probably just chalked it up to one trainer trying to get a reduced sentence. Now, no one believes this guy except his apologists (like Tim Kurkjian from ESPN) and people on his payroll. Actually, does his lawyer actually believe this crap?

While watching “Family Guy” reruns at night, I keep getting bombarded with ads for the Monster Truck rally in Providence (tickets still available!!!). It gives guys who would normally like this sort of thing the two things that will get them to go, cars getting crushed and slutty chicks. What more would a mouth breather want? The chicks are sketchy too. They keep showing the same two. The first one has bleached blond hair and funbags that enter a room 5 seconds before she does. The second one looks like if you offered her $50, she would perform a Lewinsky on you. I think these were the only two who made the cut, and it must have been tough to find them in the sea of toothless hags and girls from Indianapolis.

I was reading that people are all up in arms that Miley Cyrus wasn’t wearing a seatbelt in her “movie”. One, I’m more worried about this girl taking over the world than her safety precautions. Two, who gives a flying fuck! Seriously, is any tween girl going to see this and be like “hey, Hannah Montana doesn’t wear a seatbelt, neither will I.”? If any girl thought that, she definitely deserves to be catapulted out the windshield. I think the bigger worry should be WHY WOULD SOMEONE PAY FOR SOMETHING THEY CAN SEE ON DISNEY CHANNEL!!!!! Where do these kids get their disposable income?

Bruce Jenner has failed the first rule of raising a daughter. Unfortunately, I fell victim to “mouth breather-ness” a couple of weeks ago when flipping through the channels and happened upon the fifth circle of hell, also know as the “reality” show “Keeping Up With The Kardashians”. If I explained the concept to you, my brain would probably explode so let’s get to the good stuff. Bruce has been married a few times before his current wife and has a few boys to his credit. His wife was married to high priced LA attorney Robert Kardashian, whose claim to fame before he died was making murder legal for former football players. Now Bruce has three step-daughters and two kids of his own with his current wife. His step-daughters are all “models” (read: whores). So anyway, Bruce’s wife gets a call from some sleaze bag who wants to hire the girls to pimp his line of bathing suits or something, so Mom does the right thing and lies Bruce about it, because he doesn’t want his step-daughters to be perceived as whores (too late). So, they go off to Mexico or something and leave Bruce at home with his two younger daughters (probably like 10 and 12). However, Bruce catches wind of the lie and decides to go to Mexico and set some shit straight, so he calls up one of his older son’s to come and look after the kids. Anyway, while there, the son invites one of his idiot friends over and the little girls are running all over the place. They find a stripper pole in one of the bedrooms (what girl has a stripper pole in their bedroom? That’s reserved for football players and rappers). The young girls than proceed to practice their stripper moves, all the while being video taped by the son’s idiot friend (who is probably in his early 20’s). Let me put this plainly, an early 20’s guy is taping two girls, ages 10 and 12, practicing stripper moves on a stripper pole. Anyway, as disgusting as this is, Bruce Jenner failed the first rule of raising a daughter, which is, KEEP HER OFF THE POLE AT ALL COSTS. Bruce should have to turn in all the gold medals he won for this country in the Olympics for letting this happen. It’s bad enough if your girls become strippers, but letting the nation know about it by watching a horrible TV is beyond the pale. There is no reasonable excuse for this. Of course, there is no reasonable excuse for me watching this drivel, but that’s beside the point.