1st Annual Trent Lane Season Finales Award Spectacular

Oh man, it’s been forever since I’ve written, and I blame my job. I mean, I don’t want to blame my laziness as it is one of my better qualities and I don’t want to blame my exposure to the dreaded writer’s block. My job will be my scapegoat, I mean; I blame it on everything else.

Anyway, I have wanted to write this entry for a while, but needed to wait until after last weekend as I went to visit Seamus in the 4th Circle of Hell (also known as upstate NY). The reason was because I was going to watch a season finale at his pad and this whole entry is dedicated to the season finales that just aired. So, without further adieu, I present the 1st Annual (only if I remember in the following years) Trent Lane Season Finales Award Spectacular. Unfortunately, I can’t afford a host or get a network to air it, so deal with reading it.

Award: The Finale That Is On Another Plain of Existence When Compared To All Other Shows.

Winner: Lost – “The Incident”

Why: Well, gee, let me think about that one. Not only was the whole season just kick ass, but the finale just blew it all away….literally. We get to meet the mysterious Jacob, learn a little bit about him and learn how Locke actually came back to life, yet creates so many questions it makes my head hurt.

I think my favorite part was when Miles actually asked the question I’ve been asking since this whole “let’s blow up the island” idea was hatched. That being “what if the bomb blowing up causes the incident?” When Juliet ended up at the bottom of the hole with the unexploded bomb, she hit it and the screen went white, I was left speechless for a full 5 minutes just trying to wrap my head around everything that happened. Good times.

Award: The “Are You Bloody Serious?” Award For Most Ludicrous Season Finale.

Winner: House – “Both Sides Now” & Bones – “The End is the Beginning” (Tie)

Why: Well, let’s deal with House first. Now, the show had been struggling with mediocrity all season…and losing. It pretty much hit the breaking point when Kutner committed suicide for no reason. In the episode prior, House asks Cuddy to help him because he is hallucinating (remember this word, it’ll appear again soon) and he feels he needs to detox from his addiction to Vicidin. At the end, they sleep together. Anyway, to make a long story short, we find out that the whole thing has been one big hallucination and House never slept with Cuddy and she never helped him detox. So, he checks himself into a psych ward.

This probably wouldn’t have been so bad if they hadn’t ripped themselves off from a few seasons ago when House was shot by a disgruntled patient. You know, the show has a simple premise – Sherlock Holmes with a stethoscope. You don’t need to sway from that. It just pisses me off that this show has gone completely in the toilet over the past couple of seasons.

Now, on to Bones. Throughout the season, Booth has been having hallucinations (again, that word) and at the end of the episode prior, he finally gets taken to the hospital and they find a brain tumor and he gets operated on. We open up the season finale with Bones jumping into bed with Booth (in the worst kept secret in TV show finale history). We learn very quickly that this isn’t the same show we remember, as Booth and Bones are married and run a nightclub. First rule of the alternate reality episode, you have to clue in the viewer no later than 30 minutes in or we get confused.

Skip to the end and we see Bones typing the story out on her laptop while sitting by Booth’s bed. He wakes up, says he had a strange dream, and asks Bones who she is. I wanted to throw my TV out the window at this point. Not only did it completely rip off House, but they producers lied to the viewers when they said that Bones and Booth would actually sleep together and it wouldn’t be a dream. It was just a crappy episode altogether that would have been better in the middle of the season, not at the end.

Award: The Best Finale That Doesn’t Involve Time Traveling, Mysterious Islands, Hydrogen Bombs, and ABC.

Winner: Fringe – “There’s More Than One of Everything”

Why: Holy Lord, I think J.J. Abrams is a genius. Overall, the episode didn’t really play out like a finale but more like another episode in the overall arc of the show. However, we finally get to meet the mysterious William Bell (played to perfection by Leonard Nimoy) and find out a little about how devoted a father Walter is.

While I think most everyone were blown away by the closing shot with Olivia looking out the window of one of the Twin Towers in New York in the alternate reality she past into, I was more blown away by the fact that Peter was not Walter’s actual son, but his son from an alternate reality. That the real Peter had died when he was a young boy was just shocking. This show proved it has the ability to go just about anywhere and this episode was the perfect example of that.

Award: Biggest One Hour Piece of Absolute Filth

Winner: Smallville – “Doomsday”

Why: The best part of Smallville in the past was always the season finale. No matter how torturous the season was, the finale always pulled it out of the fire. However this season, the finale just threw gas on the fire. I’m going to try and recount this without putting my fist through the computer monitor. I give myself a 50-50 chance.

Clark has finally come up with a way to defeat Doomsday. He’s going to separate the human from him and take on the beast (yeah, great plan). Anyway, he enlists Flash and Black Canary (not only looking female, but also like Black Canary) to steal Black Kryptonite. Anyway, long story short, they turn on Clark to Oliver, Chloe uses the Black Kryptonite to do the separation, Clark defeats Doomsday (in the lamest way possible) and Jimmy takes Chloe some place that overlooks the whole city that he bought her.

At this point, Jimmy has learned Clark’s secret and tells Chloe. She tells him that she was only with Davis to protect Clark. Well, the now human Davis hears this and kills Jimmy, who with his last breath kills Davis. Anyway, at the funeral, Chloe gives Jimmy’s little brother his camera, telling him that it belongs to him now, basically telling us that the little kid becomes the Jimmy Olsen we know, not the one who just died.

At this point, I was screaming obscenities at the television screen while Seamus was cackling like a man gone mad. Anyway, once I had calmed down, we get the end where Clark tells Chloe he needs to divest himself of all human entanglements because his morality and humanity got Jimmy killed. You know, you don’t need to do that, since Oliver is more than willing to get check his morality at the door and he gets to mack hot chicks while he’s at it. Clark is just too much of a pussy.

This whole episode just stunk to high heaven. I was embarrassed that I had it on my DVR. I was embarrassed that I wasted my time and watched it. I was embarrassed that I actually thought it might be good. I feel so unclean now; I need to take a shower.

Anyway, that concludes the awards show. Thank you all for coming. See you next year.