Here are some random TV thoughts I’ve had over the past week.
1) Does ABC’s Wednesday night line-up have a fascination with the 1970’s? I mean, you have Life on Mars on at 10, and now the gang from Lost has finally stopped hopping through time….in the 1970’s. Wouldn’t the clothes, Carter, and Watergate make us all want to pretend the 70’s never happened?
2) Speaking of ABC, I give up already!!! You’ve beaten me down with enough ads for Castle that I’m willing the check it out but only if you stop running the ads. I mean, that’s how you got me into Life on Mars (not too bad, as long as you lobotomize yourself so you forget the British version). How about you start showing me ads for Cupid, because I want to see that.
3) The Duchess was randomly flipping through the channels this weekend and she came across some The Soup rip-off called The Dish on some obscure cable channel I can’t remember. After about a second, I busted out with “Holy Crap, that’s Topanga Lawrence!” With Cory Matthews showing up in Chuck and Rider Strong popping up in an episode of Bones, it seems like the kids from Boy Meets World are finally taking the world by storm. All we need is that kid who played Minkus to pop up in an episode of NCIS and all will be right with the world.
4) Speaking of Duchess related channel surfing, she came across the show 17 Kids and Counting, about a family that doesn’t believe in birth control or naming a kid without the letter J. Anyway, one of the kids was getting married to some skirt and they said that they were “saving themselves for marriage”. You know what, I was glad. I think more kids should at least wait until a long lasting committed relationship before jumping into bed. Then they dropped the bomb.
You see, they aren’t only waiting until they get married for sex, but also to kiss. No, seriously. These two kids haven’t even kissed one another. They feel it will be more meaningful if they wait until they are married. Huh? So, I turned to the Duchess and asked her how she would have felt if I told her I didn’t want to kiss her until after we were married. Sketchy, strange, and a little off-putting would have been her thoughts (and who could blame her). I’m still flabbergasted by this. I just can’t wrap my head around it.
5) Reaper premiered this week, well ahead of when they actually announced it would premiere. It’s like the Head of Programming at the CW used to work for FOX. Anyway, at the end of the episode, when the Devil is waiting for Sam to leave his job, he’s sitting there on his Trans-Am and “You’re the Best” by Joe Esposito is blaring from the stereo.
For those of you not “in the know”, that is the song that is playing during the All-Valley Karate Tournament montage in “Karate Kid”. Also, it’s a quintessential 80’s song. I was starting to get pumped, and then I remembered the part when Daniel beat Dutch. There is no way Dutch loses to Daniel. That completely ruined the movie.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Friday, February 20, 2009
Top 5 Most Inappropriate Strip Club Songs
You know, I was listing to my iPod on the train this morning and a song popped up. The song is number 1 on this list and inspired me to write this entry. You’ll realize why once you get to it.
Anyway, the only criteria for the songs is that they needed to be released (or else “Sleep” by Stabbing Westward would have been number 1, think “Janine’s Got a Gun” without the gun), it needs to have a song that would actually be played at a strip club if it wasn’t for the inappropriate lyrics, and it needs to have been released in the last 17 years (random number, but needed it to fit number 2 on the list). Anyway, here we go:
5) "Never Again"
Artist: Nickelback
Random lyric: “He’s drunk again, it’s time to fight. Same old shit just on a different night. She grabs the gun, she’s had enough.”
Rant: You have to think that even a coked out DJ at some sleazy strip club would have enough sense not to play a song about domestic abuse. Most of these girls probably came from a home like this. Do you really want “Destiny” to breakdown while working the pole?
4) "Break Stuff"
Artist: Limp Bizket
Random lyric: “I pack a chainsaw. I’ll skin your ass raw. And if my day keeps going this way, I just might break your fucking face tonight.”
Rant: Think about it, do you really want some stripper to hear this Ode to Ass Kicking playing when some guy is letting his hands wander where they shouldn’t be? Some drunken businessman might end up with a stiletto heel lodged in his chest. I’m not saying it’s a bad thing, but it’s just one more fluid that the poor janitor will have to clean up.
3) "Last Resort"
Artist: Papa Roach
Random lyric: “Don’t give a fuck if I cut my arm bleeding. Would it be wrong, would it be right, if I took my life tonight. Chances are that I might. Mutilation outta sight. And I’m contemplating suicide.”
Rant: Seriously, you want this song playing in a place where half the girls are probably on the ledge? I would think this job has the highest rate of cutters, if it wasn’t for the fact that it would be hard to conceal. Most of these girls probably want to kill themselves because no little girl dreams of growing up to be a stripper (unless your last name is Kardashian).
2) "Sex Type Thing"
Artist: Stone Temple Pilots
Random lyric: “I said “I wanna get next to you.” I said “I gotta get close to you.” You wouldn’t want me, have to hurt you too, hurt you too.”
Rant: Here’s a story for you. I used to go see this cover band play because a friend of mine knew the members. After the first few songs, the crowd really wasn’t into it. Then, they played this song and the crowd started dancing, singing, and have a generally good time. I turned to my friend and said “Nothing like a song about date rape to get a crowd going.”
1) "Prison Sex"
Artist: Tool
Random Lyric: “Won’t you come a bit closer, close enough so I can smell you. I need you to feel this. I need this to make me whole. There’s release in this sodomy.”
Rant: Nothing like a song about child abuse and sodomy to get into the mood. This gets number 1 mainly for the fact that I have a story that this was actually played in a strip club. Here’s the story.
My roommate Steinmetz and I were in our room, both doing work with music on in the background. Anyway, this song comes on and he starts giggling. I ask him what’s so funny and the following conversation takes place:
Steinmetz: Oh, I was in a strip club this summer and I heard this song.
Me: Seriously?
Steinmetz: Yup. I thought it was completely inappropriate, but no one else seemed to notice.
Me: What were you doing in a strip club? That’s not your scene.
Steinmetz: Oh, one of my old high school friends told me that this uppity bitch we went to school with worked there. I went to see her. I brought my yearbook. I was going to get her to sign it.
Me: Did you?
Steinmetz: No, it was her night off.
Me: Did you ever go back?
Steinmetz: No, that place was a little sketchy.
After a second:
Steinmetz: Wanna go now?
Sometimes I miss college.
Anyway, the only criteria for the songs is that they needed to be released (or else “Sleep” by Stabbing Westward would have been number 1, think “Janine’s Got a Gun” without the gun), it needs to have a song that would actually be played at a strip club if it wasn’t for the inappropriate lyrics, and it needs to have been released in the last 17 years (random number, but needed it to fit number 2 on the list). Anyway, here we go:
5) "Never Again"
Artist: Nickelback
Random lyric: “He’s drunk again, it’s time to fight. Same old shit just on a different night. She grabs the gun, she’s had enough.”
Rant: You have to think that even a coked out DJ at some sleazy strip club would have enough sense not to play a song about domestic abuse. Most of these girls probably came from a home like this. Do you really want “Destiny” to breakdown while working the pole?
4) "Break Stuff"
Artist: Limp Bizket
Random lyric: “I pack a chainsaw. I’ll skin your ass raw. And if my day keeps going this way, I just might break your fucking face tonight.”
Rant: Think about it, do you really want some stripper to hear this Ode to Ass Kicking playing when some guy is letting his hands wander where they shouldn’t be? Some drunken businessman might end up with a stiletto heel lodged in his chest. I’m not saying it’s a bad thing, but it’s just one more fluid that the poor janitor will have to clean up.
3) "Last Resort"
Artist: Papa Roach
Random lyric: “Don’t give a fuck if I cut my arm bleeding. Would it be wrong, would it be right, if I took my life tonight. Chances are that I might. Mutilation outta sight. And I’m contemplating suicide.”
Rant: Seriously, you want this song playing in a place where half the girls are probably on the ledge? I would think this job has the highest rate of cutters, if it wasn’t for the fact that it would be hard to conceal. Most of these girls probably want to kill themselves because no little girl dreams of growing up to be a stripper (unless your last name is Kardashian).
2) "Sex Type Thing"
Artist: Stone Temple Pilots
Random lyric: “I said “I wanna get next to you.” I said “I gotta get close to you.” You wouldn’t want me, have to hurt you too, hurt you too.”
Rant: Here’s a story for you. I used to go see this cover band play because a friend of mine knew the members. After the first few songs, the crowd really wasn’t into it. Then, they played this song and the crowd started dancing, singing, and have a generally good time. I turned to my friend and said “Nothing like a song about date rape to get a crowd going.”
1) "Prison Sex"
Artist: Tool
Random Lyric: “Won’t you come a bit closer, close enough so I can smell you. I need you to feel this. I need this to make me whole. There’s release in this sodomy.”
Rant: Nothing like a song about child abuse and sodomy to get into the mood. This gets number 1 mainly for the fact that I have a story that this was actually played in a strip club. Here’s the story.
My roommate Steinmetz and I were in our room, both doing work with music on in the background. Anyway, this song comes on and he starts giggling. I ask him what’s so funny and the following conversation takes place:
Steinmetz: Oh, I was in a strip club this summer and I heard this song.
Me: Seriously?
Steinmetz: Yup. I thought it was completely inappropriate, but no one else seemed to notice.
Me: What were you doing in a strip club? That’s not your scene.
Steinmetz: Oh, one of my old high school friends told me that this uppity bitch we went to school with worked there. I went to see her. I brought my yearbook. I was going to get her to sign it.
Me: Did you?
Steinmetz: No, it was her night off.
Me: Did you ever go back?
Steinmetz: No, that place was a little sketchy.
After a second:
Steinmetz: Wanna go now?
Sometimes I miss college.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Why Joss Whedon's "Dollhouse" Will Fail
A couple of weeks ago when I did my New and Premiering of 2009 entry, Seamus shot me an email, a little shocked that I had forgotten Dollhouse, the new show from Joss Whedon. As we are both Whedon fan-boys, he figured it would be near the top of the list. However my enthusiasm has been tempered by one fact alone: Dollhouse will fail.
The writing for this is on the wall. It really has nothing to do with the shuffling cast, or the massive rewrites, or even the basic premise. If I were to choose any of those, my case would be generic and reflect just about every other blog entry out there from the blurry eyed geeks who live in their mother’s basement. However, I will offer two main reasons why this show will go down in a brilliant blaze of infamy.
1) Look at the network
Far be it from me to bad mouth FOX, but…..wait a minute, I love bad mouthing FOX. FOX will screw this up. They screw up everything. If they want something to succeed, they give it the American Idol lead-in (House, Fringe, etc). If they want something to fail, they throw it one some random night, show episodes out of order, and move it around the schedule without telling anyone. Sometimes I think a retarded drunken monkey is the Head of Programming for FOX.
Anyway, Dollhouse has been given “the death slot”. Friday nights at 9PM. Yeah, they are really going to pull in the 18-35 demographic there. Not only that, but the lead-in is Terminator: the Sarah Connor Chronicles. The last show that Terminator led-in is now in the trash heap along with all the other also-rans.
Also, have you seen the ads for the show? They are trying to pull off the pulp 50’s feel to the ads, basically highlighting the hot chicks with guns angle. While I give them credit for trying to attract the geeky dateless wonders out there, they were going to watch these two shows anyway. My personal preference would have been to either go with the “woman power” angle to attract female viewers or the “intellectual” angle, in order to attract the percentage of the population who feels the need to counterbalance all the For the Love of Ray J episodes they watched last week.
I don’t care what FOX has said about letting Friday night become a breeding ground for well-written scripted dramas (unlike all those poorly written “unscripted” dramas that pass for reality shows) and that ratings don’t matter. Let me disabuse you of this right now, ratings matter. FOX is trying to catch lightning in a bottle here. They know that sci-fi fans are gun shy when it comes to FOX and Friday nights, so they are putting out this cock and bull story about how ratings don’t matter so they can draw in a large audience. When the ratings remain low, FOX will burn all the fans who thought they were telling the truth.
2) Look at Whedon
Hey, I’m a big fan of Whedon, ever since the first season of Buffy. I watched all seven seasons, plus the five seasons of Angel, and the one season of Firefly. I even went to see the Serenity movie, dragging the Duchess along with me early enough in our relationship where are I could have easily scared her off with my geekiness. So, before we get into this, I needed you to know my bonafides so you don’t rip me to shreds.
Whedon has a tendency to be too cute, which turns average people off. Case in point is the Chinese during Firefly. The basic question was “why are they using Chinese phrases?” It took peoples attention from where it was needed, the plot.
The plot was good. It has all the classics. Civil War, rebels, whores, smuggling, and government black ops mumbo jumbo. You don’t need to confuse people by trying to be cute and showing us how “edgy” you can be. It was a distraction.
While the mindless Whedon fan-boy was like “oh, he’s such a genius” and spending 10 minutes dissecting the various meaning of each phrase, the average TV viewer was sitting there bewildered. If you’re going to confuse the TV public, do it in a good way like Lost.
So, as long as FOX really doesn’t care about ratings and Whedon doesn’t try to out-smart himself, this could very well be a hit. However, do you really expect both of those things to happen? Yeah, me neither. But it won’t stop me from watching.
The writing for this is on the wall. It really has nothing to do with the shuffling cast, or the massive rewrites, or even the basic premise. If I were to choose any of those, my case would be generic and reflect just about every other blog entry out there from the blurry eyed geeks who live in their mother’s basement. However, I will offer two main reasons why this show will go down in a brilliant blaze of infamy.
1) Look at the network
Far be it from me to bad mouth FOX, but…..wait a minute, I love bad mouthing FOX. FOX will screw this up. They screw up everything. If they want something to succeed, they give it the American Idol lead-in (House, Fringe, etc). If they want something to fail, they throw it one some random night, show episodes out of order, and move it around the schedule without telling anyone. Sometimes I think a retarded drunken monkey is the Head of Programming for FOX.
Anyway, Dollhouse has been given “the death slot”. Friday nights at 9PM. Yeah, they are really going to pull in the 18-35 demographic there. Not only that, but the lead-in is Terminator: the Sarah Connor Chronicles. The last show that Terminator led-in is now in the trash heap along with all the other also-rans.
Also, have you seen the ads for the show? They are trying to pull off the pulp 50’s feel to the ads, basically highlighting the hot chicks with guns angle. While I give them credit for trying to attract the geeky dateless wonders out there, they were going to watch these two shows anyway. My personal preference would have been to either go with the “woman power” angle to attract female viewers or the “intellectual” angle, in order to attract the percentage of the population who feels the need to counterbalance all the For the Love of Ray J episodes they watched last week.
I don’t care what FOX has said about letting Friday night become a breeding ground for well-written scripted dramas (unlike all those poorly written “unscripted” dramas that pass for reality shows) and that ratings don’t matter. Let me disabuse you of this right now, ratings matter. FOX is trying to catch lightning in a bottle here. They know that sci-fi fans are gun shy when it comes to FOX and Friday nights, so they are putting out this cock and bull story about how ratings don’t matter so they can draw in a large audience. When the ratings remain low, FOX will burn all the fans who thought they were telling the truth.
2) Look at Whedon
Hey, I’m a big fan of Whedon, ever since the first season of Buffy. I watched all seven seasons, plus the five seasons of Angel, and the one season of Firefly. I even went to see the Serenity movie, dragging the Duchess along with me early enough in our relationship where are I could have easily scared her off with my geekiness. So, before we get into this, I needed you to know my bonafides so you don’t rip me to shreds.
Whedon has a tendency to be too cute, which turns average people off. Case in point is the Chinese during Firefly. The basic question was “why are they using Chinese phrases?” It took peoples attention from where it was needed, the plot.
The plot was good. It has all the classics. Civil War, rebels, whores, smuggling, and government black ops mumbo jumbo. You don’t need to confuse people by trying to be cute and showing us how “edgy” you can be. It was a distraction.
While the mindless Whedon fan-boy was like “oh, he’s such a genius” and spending 10 minutes dissecting the various meaning of each phrase, the average TV viewer was sitting there bewildered. If you’re going to confuse the TV public, do it in a good way like Lost.
So, as long as FOX really doesn’t care about ratings and Whedon doesn’t try to out-smart himself, this could very well be a hit. However, do you really expect both of those things to happen? Yeah, me neither. But it won’t stop me from watching.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Even I Make Mistakes
As much as it pains me to admit, I have made certain errors in past entries. That is what this entry is all about, rectifying those errors. I could have covertly gone in and changed what I wanted, but that would just be unfair to everyone. And before you ask, no, I didn’t make any errors in my Indianapolis Sucks entry (bunch of inbred hicks). Anyway, here are the three errors that I am attempting to fix.
1) Of Deathly Hallows and Season Finales
If you remember this entry, I pretty much lambasted the fact that Ginny Weasley ended up with Harry Potter. In said rant, I listed 5 girls who would have been better suited for the young wizard. Upon further review, I would like to change the list slightly. No, I’m not putting the Red Headed strumpet on the list. She resides somewhere around number 12, snuggled neatly between Pansy Parkinson (only because it would piss off Rowling) and Katie Bell (Quidditch chicks rule). No, I’m tossing Cho Chang out of the top 5, because she annoys me and seems too needy.
So, I am in need of a new number 3. This is going to shock some of you, but I’m giving the nod to Nymphadora Tonks. Okay, let’s get past the fact that she’s both married and dead and look at it rationally. One, there was some definite flirtation going on between the two during Order of the Phoenix. Two, the age difference in negligible, seeing has Harry is more mature for his age and she is less mature for her age. Plus, if you even want to use this argument, you have to throw water on her whole Remus Lupin storyline, seeing has his age difference with her is about double the age difference between her and Harry. Also, her feelings for Lupin are a product of Rowling’s out and out character manipulation in Half-Blood Prince and her need to pair off everyone for the sake of pairing them off.
2) Sith Lords, Guest Spots, and Other Thoughts
In my last entry, I listed my top 5 favorite guest stars. I’m tossing John Heard out, if only because he’s the only real weak link in the whole list. However, I’ll give him honorable mention along with Eric Balfour (your man if you need a scumbag) and Alan Dale (your man if you need a strict patriarch). So, who takes Heard’s spot?
Why, Sonya Walger of course. You Lost fans will no doubt recognize the indomitable Penny Widmore, Desmond Hume’s paramour and daughter of the dastardly Charles Widmore (played by Alan Dale). She also had roles in Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles (as the wife of Sarah’s former boyfriend) and Sleeper Cell (as an FBI Agent who gets beheaded by terrorists). She’s top notch, as long as you forget she was in the US version of Coupling.
3) The New and Premiering of 2009
In this entry, I listed the top 5 new or premiering TV shows I was looking forward to in 2009 (obviously, I have a problem with lists). At number 1, I listed Lost, and this was a gross error.
Lost operates on a whole other plain of existence from every other TV show. You can’t even call it TV. The way people explain acid trips from the 60’s is how I feel after watching an hour of Lost. You get flash-forwards, flashbacks, strange lights, talking dead people, and too much Matthew Fox.
The episode “Jug-head” that was on last week, it didn’t have any of the Oceanic 6, and it was probably one of the best episodes ever. And I still don’t completely grasp what happened. It’s just amazing stuff.
As a conclusion, my buddy Seamus told me he watched last week’s Lost and Battlestar Galactica back to back. He said it was a horrible mistake. You think? I do have to give him credit though. If I did that, my brain probably would have exploded.
1) Of Deathly Hallows and Season Finales
If you remember this entry, I pretty much lambasted the fact that Ginny Weasley ended up with Harry Potter. In said rant, I listed 5 girls who would have been better suited for the young wizard. Upon further review, I would like to change the list slightly. No, I’m not putting the Red Headed strumpet on the list. She resides somewhere around number 12, snuggled neatly between Pansy Parkinson (only because it would piss off Rowling) and Katie Bell (Quidditch chicks rule). No, I’m tossing Cho Chang out of the top 5, because she annoys me and seems too needy.
So, I am in need of a new number 3. This is going to shock some of you, but I’m giving the nod to Nymphadora Tonks. Okay, let’s get past the fact that she’s both married and dead and look at it rationally. One, there was some definite flirtation going on between the two during Order of the Phoenix. Two, the age difference in negligible, seeing has Harry is more mature for his age and she is less mature for her age. Plus, if you even want to use this argument, you have to throw water on her whole Remus Lupin storyline, seeing has his age difference with her is about double the age difference between her and Harry. Also, her feelings for Lupin are a product of Rowling’s out and out character manipulation in Half-Blood Prince and her need to pair off everyone for the sake of pairing them off.
2) Sith Lords, Guest Spots, and Other Thoughts
In my last entry, I listed my top 5 favorite guest stars. I’m tossing John Heard out, if only because he’s the only real weak link in the whole list. However, I’ll give him honorable mention along with Eric Balfour (your man if you need a scumbag) and Alan Dale (your man if you need a strict patriarch). So, who takes Heard’s spot?
Why, Sonya Walger of course. You Lost fans will no doubt recognize the indomitable Penny Widmore, Desmond Hume’s paramour and daughter of the dastardly Charles Widmore (played by Alan Dale). She also had roles in Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles (as the wife of Sarah’s former boyfriend) and Sleeper Cell (as an FBI Agent who gets beheaded by terrorists). She’s top notch, as long as you forget she was in the US version of Coupling.
3) The New and Premiering of 2009
In this entry, I listed the top 5 new or premiering TV shows I was looking forward to in 2009 (obviously, I have a problem with lists). At number 1, I listed Lost, and this was a gross error.
Lost operates on a whole other plain of existence from every other TV show. You can’t even call it TV. The way people explain acid trips from the 60’s is how I feel after watching an hour of Lost. You get flash-forwards, flashbacks, strange lights, talking dead people, and too much Matthew Fox.
The episode “Jug-head” that was on last week, it didn’t have any of the Oceanic 6, and it was probably one of the best episodes ever. And I still don’t completely grasp what happened. It’s just amazing stuff.
As a conclusion, my buddy Seamus told me he watched last week’s Lost and Battlestar Galactica back to back. He said it was a horrible mistake. You think? I do have to give him credit though. If I did that, my brain probably would have exploded.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Sith Lords, Guest Stars, and Other Thoughts
I was watching Star Wars the other day and, you know, the Sith got a raw deal. Basically, you have a bunch of force users who don’t want to be subjugated by the Jedi, so they sit out there on there own, just trying to get their piece of the Republic dream. You know, land, house, family. The Jedi are like “I don’t think so” and start this mad war with them, finally driving them out of existence. Or so they thought.
From master to apprentice, they pass along the information they learned. So, the Emperor decides to plot his own scheme for revenge. And who could blame him? So, he goes about ridding the galaxy of these meddlesome people, who think they are oh so special. Then, the last two Jedi use the son of one of the Sith Lords to go out and destroy them. Not only that, but wants him to once again start a new Jedi order, to prop us there own failed dreams and using the Sith as scapegoats for all the ills of the galaxy. It makes me sick.
Speaking of things that make me sick, I’m looking at you Matt Damon. He basically called everyone apathetic because we don’t care enough about the poor people of Haiti. There is a difference between apathetic and self-involved you ass clown! Now, I’m not talking about self-involved like “does my hair look okay”, I’m talking self-involved like “gee, I hope I don’t get laid off today.”
I’ll make a deal with you, you self-absorbed waste of space, I’ll start caring about the poor people of Haiti on two conditions. One, the economy turns around and I only have to worry about losing my job due to gross incompetence. Two, you apologize for Ben Affleck, those horrible Jason Bourne movies, dissing James Bond, and campaigning for Obama (celebrities should keep their gobs shut about politics). Until that happens, keep your opinions about my apathy to yourself, you no talent douche bag.
Speaking of no talent douche bags, I was watching latest Supernatural the other day and it was entitled “Criss Angel is a Douche Bag”. While I’m not about to defend Criss Angel on his douche bagginess, the episode guest starred Barry Bostwick. Barry is in my top 5 favorite current guest stars. Who are the other 4? Number 1 is definitely Michelle Forbes. Seamus and I think she is making an attempt to guest star in every show on TV today. I’ll believe it if I see her doing a guest shot on Hannah Montana. Her defining role is obviously Admiral Cain in Battlestar Galactica. You left us too soon Admiral.
Numbers 2 through 4 in no particular order are Gary Cole, John Heard, and Peter Wingfield. Cole would be a permanent holder of number 2 if he kept the cheesy mustache he was sporting in the episode of Chuck he showed up in. Too bad he couldn’t save the last season of Entourage.
John Heard was classic as Commander Garner in Battlestar Galactica, as the commander of the Pegasus. He was so incompetent, it was great. But he did the smart thing by making Lee commander and took the pipe while fixing the ship. It also pretty much cemented the fact that the Commander of the Pegasus job was more cursed than the Defense Against the Dark Arts teaching job at Hogwarts.
As for Peter Wingfield, well, my basic thought is that it isn’t a sci-fi show until Wingfield shows up. He’s been in everything, and most of the time it’s as some evil douche. I was actually shocked when he turned out to be a good guy in the season finale of Sanctuary. I kept waiting for him to turn on the gang. I was sitting there saying “this guy is shifty, watch him”, like the characters on TV could actually hear me.
If you want all time best guest stars list, it goes to the aforementioned Michelle Forbes, the late, great Don S. Davis, and Dirk Benedict. A bonus for viewers is when Benedict is playing a gigolo or sleaze merchant. He’s just perfect in that role. Well, that or killing Cylons in the original Battlestar Galactica.
From master to apprentice, they pass along the information they learned. So, the Emperor decides to plot his own scheme for revenge. And who could blame him? So, he goes about ridding the galaxy of these meddlesome people, who think they are oh so special. Then, the last two Jedi use the son of one of the Sith Lords to go out and destroy them. Not only that, but wants him to once again start a new Jedi order, to prop us there own failed dreams and using the Sith as scapegoats for all the ills of the galaxy. It makes me sick.
Speaking of things that make me sick, I’m looking at you Matt Damon. He basically called everyone apathetic because we don’t care enough about the poor people of Haiti. There is a difference between apathetic and self-involved you ass clown! Now, I’m not talking about self-involved like “does my hair look okay”, I’m talking self-involved like “gee, I hope I don’t get laid off today.”
I’ll make a deal with you, you self-absorbed waste of space, I’ll start caring about the poor people of Haiti on two conditions. One, the economy turns around and I only have to worry about losing my job due to gross incompetence. Two, you apologize for Ben Affleck, those horrible Jason Bourne movies, dissing James Bond, and campaigning for Obama (celebrities should keep their gobs shut about politics). Until that happens, keep your opinions about my apathy to yourself, you no talent douche bag.
Speaking of no talent douche bags, I was watching latest Supernatural the other day and it was entitled “Criss Angel is a Douche Bag”. While I’m not about to defend Criss Angel on his douche bagginess, the episode guest starred Barry Bostwick. Barry is in my top 5 favorite current guest stars. Who are the other 4? Number 1 is definitely Michelle Forbes. Seamus and I think she is making an attempt to guest star in every show on TV today. I’ll believe it if I see her doing a guest shot on Hannah Montana. Her defining role is obviously Admiral Cain in Battlestar Galactica. You left us too soon Admiral.
Numbers 2 through 4 in no particular order are Gary Cole, John Heard, and Peter Wingfield. Cole would be a permanent holder of number 2 if he kept the cheesy mustache he was sporting in the episode of Chuck he showed up in. Too bad he couldn’t save the last season of Entourage.
John Heard was classic as Commander Garner in Battlestar Galactica, as the commander of the Pegasus. He was so incompetent, it was great. But he did the smart thing by making Lee commander and took the pipe while fixing the ship. It also pretty much cemented the fact that the Commander of the Pegasus job was more cursed than the Defense Against the Dark Arts teaching job at Hogwarts.
As for Peter Wingfield, well, my basic thought is that it isn’t a sci-fi show until Wingfield shows up. He’s been in everything, and most of the time it’s as some evil douche. I was actually shocked when he turned out to be a good guy in the season finale of Sanctuary. I kept waiting for him to turn on the gang. I was sitting there saying “this guy is shifty, watch him”, like the characters on TV could actually hear me.
If you want all time best guest stars list, it goes to the aforementioned Michelle Forbes, the late, great Don S. Davis, and Dirk Benedict. A bonus for viewers is when Benedict is playing a gigolo or sleaze merchant. He’s just perfect in that role. Well, that or killing Cylons in the original Battlestar Galactica.
Friday, January 16, 2009
State Street Bank and the Commuter Rail
Just because I want to obliterate any chance of me going all Ray Pruit on the Duchess, I’m going to use this blog as I have never used it before. I’m going to bitch about two things that piss me off. If you have ever lived in Massachusetts, you’ll sympathize with me. If you ever think about moving to Massachusetts, read and be warned.
1) State Street Bank and Trust
Many of you have heard me refer to my past employer as a heartless, soul-sucking company. Well, that company was State Street Bank and Trust (SSB for the rest of the column). I thank God a little more each day that I no longer work there. Due to the current economic crisis, SSB took a hit. As people I care for still work there, I can’t be too happy about their problems. But here is some info you need to know for my rant to make sense.
SSB recently received $2 Billion (with a B) from the federal government as part of that pseudo-socialist “bailout” package. They also announced that they would be laying off about 1300 people. That goes along with the announcement that there would be no raises or bonuses this year. Good times.
For those of you who don’t know, the CEO of SSB (I believe he is one of the Devil’s minions, but I can’t be sure) is the second highest paid CEO in the state of Massachusetts. In the past, he has gotten those extravagant bonuses while the peons (like myself at one point) got the shaft. However, with the announcement of no bonuses and with the federal government watching closely, he, too, was going to get boned.
So the question became “what to do”? You can’t piss off the Devil’s minion. How do you give your CEO a disgusting bonus, without the federal government jumping all over them, and completely screwing over your workers (which I believe is in the mission statement of the company)? Then, as if a light went off in some loathsome, heartless pencil pusher, the answer appeared. A dividend.
See, along with all the cash they throw at the Devil’s minion, they also throw stock at him. They basically backdoored their way into giving him a bonus by throwing dividend money at him. Now, I realize that dividends should be paid, but to do so with federal money (your tax dollars at work), while laying off employees and screwing the one’s you kept is horrible. Welcome to life at one of Massachusetts’s biggest employers.
2) The Commuter Rail
The easiest way to get to work by many who live outside of Boston and don’t feel like becoming a statist in road rage numbers is by taking the ever delightful commuter rail. For those of you who have never taken this mode of transportation, I would rank it as a few steps above an Indian Railway. Basically, it’s overpriced, cramped, dilapidated, and erratic. Each morning, it’s a gamble as to whether it will show up on time (or at all) and in what condition (say what you want about fascist dictators, at least they made the trains run on time).
The best is that you can reasonably predict what’s going to happen. On hot days, you know the air conditioner will not work. On cold days, you know the train will be late and the heat won’t work (or, conversely, that it will be jacked to 150 degrees). On rainy or snowy days, you know it will be late. Along with these, you get the times the power goes out completely and you’re sitting in complete darkness. Of course, there was the time this summer when the ass-face conductors where making trains deliberately late to get the administration of the MBTA to the bargaining table.
Plus, let’s talk about the seating. For one thing, they almost never provide the correct number of cars to reasonably fit all the people. Along with that, the seats are all meant for people who are 100 pounds and are no taller than 5’3”. This means you are crammed into a seat with the other helpless dregs. This brings me to the helpless dregs.
I seriously did not know that there were this many mouth-breathers in this state (but seeing who our political representation is, it all seems to make sense). You get the people who want to talk to you. You get the people who talk way too loud on their cell phones about the most personal stuff. You get the just plain surly. You get the people who are just plain annoying. I feel sorry for all the females out there. But the Duchess feels your pain. When she takes the train, some fat slob will always sit next to her, cramming her in her seat. Of course, there are other seats around that will fit his huge ass, but then he wouldn’t get to sit next to a pretty girl who isn’t from one of his comic books. See, with a real girl, you might be able to talk them into going with you to your mother’s basement.
And the MBTA keeps raising my rates of this! It’s not like they provide me with anything they didn’t before. Just run it on time, I’ll be happy then. But they won’t. They’ll just keep jacking the price and providing me with shitty service. Isn’t there some sort of law against monopolies in this country? Instead of fighting Microsoft, go after this organization. Microsoft isn’t hurting anyone, the commuter rail is. It’s making it look like I don’t want to get into work on time. I mean, I don’t want to, but if I’m late, I want to be in bed, not stuck on some shitty train.
1) State Street Bank and Trust
Many of you have heard me refer to my past employer as a heartless, soul-sucking company. Well, that company was State Street Bank and Trust (SSB for the rest of the column). I thank God a little more each day that I no longer work there. Due to the current economic crisis, SSB took a hit. As people I care for still work there, I can’t be too happy about their problems. But here is some info you need to know for my rant to make sense.
SSB recently received $2 Billion (with a B) from the federal government as part of that pseudo-socialist “bailout” package. They also announced that they would be laying off about 1300 people. That goes along with the announcement that there would be no raises or bonuses this year. Good times.
For those of you who don’t know, the CEO of SSB (I believe he is one of the Devil’s minions, but I can’t be sure) is the second highest paid CEO in the state of Massachusetts. In the past, he has gotten those extravagant bonuses while the peons (like myself at one point) got the shaft. However, with the announcement of no bonuses and with the federal government watching closely, he, too, was going to get boned.
So the question became “what to do”? You can’t piss off the Devil’s minion. How do you give your CEO a disgusting bonus, without the federal government jumping all over them, and completely screwing over your workers (which I believe is in the mission statement of the company)? Then, as if a light went off in some loathsome, heartless pencil pusher, the answer appeared. A dividend.
See, along with all the cash they throw at the Devil’s minion, they also throw stock at him. They basically backdoored their way into giving him a bonus by throwing dividend money at him. Now, I realize that dividends should be paid, but to do so with federal money (your tax dollars at work), while laying off employees and screwing the one’s you kept is horrible. Welcome to life at one of Massachusetts’s biggest employers.
2) The Commuter Rail
The easiest way to get to work by many who live outside of Boston and don’t feel like becoming a statist in road rage numbers is by taking the ever delightful commuter rail. For those of you who have never taken this mode of transportation, I would rank it as a few steps above an Indian Railway. Basically, it’s overpriced, cramped, dilapidated, and erratic. Each morning, it’s a gamble as to whether it will show up on time (or at all) and in what condition (say what you want about fascist dictators, at least they made the trains run on time).
The best is that you can reasonably predict what’s going to happen. On hot days, you know the air conditioner will not work. On cold days, you know the train will be late and the heat won’t work (or, conversely, that it will be jacked to 150 degrees). On rainy or snowy days, you know it will be late. Along with these, you get the times the power goes out completely and you’re sitting in complete darkness. Of course, there was the time this summer when the ass-face conductors where making trains deliberately late to get the administration of the MBTA to the bargaining table.
Plus, let’s talk about the seating. For one thing, they almost never provide the correct number of cars to reasonably fit all the people. Along with that, the seats are all meant for people who are 100 pounds and are no taller than 5’3”. This means you are crammed into a seat with the other helpless dregs. This brings me to the helpless dregs.
I seriously did not know that there were this many mouth-breathers in this state (but seeing who our political representation is, it all seems to make sense). You get the people who want to talk to you. You get the people who talk way too loud on their cell phones about the most personal stuff. You get the just plain surly. You get the people who are just plain annoying. I feel sorry for all the females out there. But the Duchess feels your pain. When she takes the train, some fat slob will always sit next to her, cramming her in her seat. Of course, there are other seats around that will fit his huge ass, but then he wouldn’t get to sit next to a pretty girl who isn’t from one of his comic books. See, with a real girl, you might be able to talk them into going with you to your mother’s basement.
And the MBTA keeps raising my rates of this! It’s not like they provide me with anything they didn’t before. Just run it on time, I’ll be happy then. But they won’t. They’ll just keep jacking the price and providing me with shitty service. Isn’t there some sort of law against monopolies in this country? Instead of fighting Microsoft, go after this organization. Microsoft isn’t hurting anyone, the commuter rail is. It’s making it look like I don’t want to get into work on time. I mean, I don’t want to, but if I’m late, I want to be in bed, not stuck on some shitty train.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
The New and Premiering of Winter 2009
As some of my faithful readers know (all two of you), during last year’s writer’s strike, I wrote an article about the 5 new or returning shows you needed to watch when they premiered in the winter of 2008. Well, I liked the idea so much that I’m going with it again. The good news this year is that I didn’t cop out and end with a tie at number 1. There is a clear delineation between numbers 1 and 2. Alright, let’s count them down.
5) Party Down (Starz, season 1 premiering in early 2009) & Cupid (ABC, season 1 premiering on 3/24)
Both shows get the number 5 spot because they both come from the creative genius that is Rob Thomas (not of Matchbox 20 fame, but of Veronica Mars fame).
Cupid is a reworking of his 1998 show in which a man lands in a mental institution because he believes he is Cupid, the God of Love. He is released by psychologist Claire Allen who takes responsibility for his behavior. Whacky hijinx ensue in the short-lived dramedy.
Part of me is skeptical about this, because one of the great things about the original was the casting of Jeremy Piven as Cupid and Paula Marshall as the doctor. However, another part of me remembers that it was also great because of the writing. Plus, Rob Thomas is reworking his own show and he wouldn’t shit on the bed on it.
Party Down is pretty straight forward. A group of struggling actors in LA work as caterers while trying to make it big. Basically, think Extras without the Britishness of it. Plus, it’s got a pretty slamming cast. I’m going to trust Thomas on this one and check it out. Or at least, hope to check it out online since I don’t get Starz.
4) Reaper (The CW, season 2 premiering on 3/17)
Probably my favorite escapist TV show from last year (including Chuck and Pysch) is being brought back as a mid-season replacement by the CW to fill in the gaps between Gossip Girl, 90210, Supernatural, and reruns of Gossip Girl. I’m particularly surprised they aren’t stashing this on Sunday night to kill it off.
For those of you who don’t know about the show, Sam is your average shiftless lay about 20-somethinger who works at the local Home Depot-esque superstore. On his 21st birthday, he learns that his parents sold his soul to the Devil. The Devil brings him on to be his demon bounty hunter, to collect souls of those who have escaped from Hell. With help from his friends Sock and Ben, he goes about doing this.
The last we saw our intrepid heroes, Sam was saved from being buried alive by the demon revolution but his father was left behind. The Devil gives Sam some time off to deal with his grief. We are left with Sam’s mother digging up his father and we hear him say “What took you so long?” and fade to black.
The show is great for a number of reasons. One, it’s just escapist fun. It makes me laugh and it doesn’t take itself too seriously. Two, it’s the cast, but mostly Sock and the Devil. The dude who plays Sock is a comedic genius and is almost always funny. The Devil is perfectly cast. Ray Wise is your go-to guy if you need the Devil, a mob boss, or a Vice President of the United States.
3) 24 (FOX, season 7 premiering on 1/11)
It’s been nearly two years since we’ve seen Jack Bauer rescuing the US from terrorist plots, Columbian drug lords, Nina Meyers, and/or his daughter’s acting. It’s been so long, I don’t even remember how Season 6 ended, except Audrey was in a coma or something and Secretary of State Heller booted Jack out. Then, at least according to the TV movie Redemption, Jack walked the earth like Jules from Pulp Fiction to deal with his demons.
Who isn’t excited about this show coming back? We’ve gone way to long without a day that involves bombs exploding, moles in government agencies, and no one sleeping, eating, or going to the bathroom for 24 hours. Jack’s not getting any younger, he needs a nap dammit. How funny would it be to hear the clock ticking and they cut to Jack curled up on a cot lightly snoring? I know I’d laugh.
2) Battlestar Galactica (Sci-Fi, second half of season 4 premiering on 1/16)
We’re finally getting to the final 10 episodes. I was beginning to wonder if Sci-Fi would ever show them. Like the show at number 1, when ever this show gives us an answer, we get 5 new questions with it. The answer we finally received at the finale in June was “Yes, they will find Earth”.
However, what they found on Earth just opens a whole new batch of question, three that jump right to the forefront. First, what the hell happened? It’s a barren wasteland, not their redemption or salvation. Two, what happened to the population of Earth? Three, what do they do now? These are the questions I hope to get answers for.
Also, its finally reveled to everyone who the Colonial 4 are. To say it was a shock to the crew is an understatement. However, we still don’t know who the Final Cylon is. Who could it be? Is it Roslin, Baltar, Starbuck, Adama, etc? We just don’t know. Plus, will we finally find out how Kara Thrice is the harbinger of death? This is just going to be a great final 10 episodes.
1) Lost (ABC, season 5 premiering on 1/21)
No doubt, the best cliffhanger of the season from last year. We finally find out how the Oceanic 6 became the only 6 survivors. We found out who was in the coffin. We find out, sort of, how Ben got off the island and ended up in Africa. But other than that, we are left dumbfounded.
The questions are just bottled up and I need answers. Is Jin still alive? What happened to the island? What happened to the people on the island? Do Desmond and Penny get a happy ending? How are the Oceanic 6, Ben, and the body of Locke going to get back to the island?
See, the problem is that I’m not going to get answers. Lost is great at being extremely cagey about information. If you get an answer, you get more questions. Plus, the answer is never exactly straight-forward. Despite this, it’s a great show (the best on TV) and the great thing is, you just have to sit back, buckle up, and get ready for one hell of a ride.
5) Party Down (Starz, season 1 premiering in early 2009) & Cupid (ABC, season 1 premiering on 3/24)
Both shows get the number 5 spot because they both come from the creative genius that is Rob Thomas (not of Matchbox 20 fame, but of Veronica Mars fame).
Cupid is a reworking of his 1998 show in which a man lands in a mental institution because he believes he is Cupid, the God of Love. He is released by psychologist Claire Allen who takes responsibility for his behavior. Whacky hijinx ensue in the short-lived dramedy.
Part of me is skeptical about this, because one of the great things about the original was the casting of Jeremy Piven as Cupid and Paula Marshall as the doctor. However, another part of me remembers that it was also great because of the writing. Plus, Rob Thomas is reworking his own show and he wouldn’t shit on the bed on it.
Party Down is pretty straight forward. A group of struggling actors in LA work as caterers while trying to make it big. Basically, think Extras without the Britishness of it. Plus, it’s got a pretty slamming cast. I’m going to trust Thomas on this one and check it out. Or at least, hope to check it out online since I don’t get Starz.
4) Reaper (The CW, season 2 premiering on 3/17)
Probably my favorite escapist TV show from last year (including Chuck and Pysch) is being brought back as a mid-season replacement by the CW to fill in the gaps between Gossip Girl, 90210, Supernatural, and reruns of Gossip Girl. I’m particularly surprised they aren’t stashing this on Sunday night to kill it off.
For those of you who don’t know about the show, Sam is your average shiftless lay about 20-somethinger who works at the local Home Depot-esque superstore. On his 21st birthday, he learns that his parents sold his soul to the Devil. The Devil brings him on to be his demon bounty hunter, to collect souls of those who have escaped from Hell. With help from his friends Sock and Ben, he goes about doing this.
The last we saw our intrepid heroes, Sam was saved from being buried alive by the demon revolution but his father was left behind. The Devil gives Sam some time off to deal with his grief. We are left with Sam’s mother digging up his father and we hear him say “What took you so long?” and fade to black.
The show is great for a number of reasons. One, it’s just escapist fun. It makes me laugh and it doesn’t take itself too seriously. Two, it’s the cast, but mostly Sock and the Devil. The dude who plays Sock is a comedic genius and is almost always funny. The Devil is perfectly cast. Ray Wise is your go-to guy if you need the Devil, a mob boss, or a Vice President of the United States.
3) 24 (FOX, season 7 premiering on 1/11)
It’s been nearly two years since we’ve seen Jack Bauer rescuing the US from terrorist plots, Columbian drug lords, Nina Meyers, and/or his daughter’s acting. It’s been so long, I don’t even remember how Season 6 ended, except Audrey was in a coma or something and Secretary of State Heller booted Jack out. Then, at least according to the TV movie Redemption, Jack walked the earth like Jules from Pulp Fiction to deal with his demons.
Who isn’t excited about this show coming back? We’ve gone way to long without a day that involves bombs exploding, moles in government agencies, and no one sleeping, eating, or going to the bathroom for 24 hours. Jack’s not getting any younger, he needs a nap dammit. How funny would it be to hear the clock ticking and they cut to Jack curled up on a cot lightly snoring? I know I’d laugh.
2) Battlestar Galactica (Sci-Fi, second half of season 4 premiering on 1/16)
We’re finally getting to the final 10 episodes. I was beginning to wonder if Sci-Fi would ever show them. Like the show at number 1, when ever this show gives us an answer, we get 5 new questions with it. The answer we finally received at the finale in June was “Yes, they will find Earth”.
However, what they found on Earth just opens a whole new batch of question, three that jump right to the forefront. First, what the hell happened? It’s a barren wasteland, not their redemption or salvation. Two, what happened to the population of Earth? Three, what do they do now? These are the questions I hope to get answers for.
Also, its finally reveled to everyone who the Colonial 4 are. To say it was a shock to the crew is an understatement. However, we still don’t know who the Final Cylon is. Who could it be? Is it Roslin, Baltar, Starbuck, Adama, etc? We just don’t know. Plus, will we finally find out how Kara Thrice is the harbinger of death? This is just going to be a great final 10 episodes.
1) Lost (ABC, season 5 premiering on 1/21)
No doubt, the best cliffhanger of the season from last year. We finally find out how the Oceanic 6 became the only 6 survivors. We found out who was in the coffin. We find out, sort of, how Ben got off the island and ended up in Africa. But other than that, we are left dumbfounded.
The questions are just bottled up and I need answers. Is Jin still alive? What happened to the island? What happened to the people on the island? Do Desmond and Penny get a happy ending? How are the Oceanic 6, Ben, and the body of Locke going to get back to the island?
See, the problem is that I’m not going to get answers. Lost is great at being extremely cagey about information. If you get an answer, you get more questions. Plus, the answer is never exactly straight-forward. Despite this, it’s a great show (the best on TV) and the great thing is, you just have to sit back, buckle up, and get ready for one hell of a ride.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
