If Justin Masterson has learned anything from his two big league starts, it should be that if you want something done right, you have to do it yourself. Of course, Masterson learned this lesson the hard way.
It seems every year, Red Sox fans are tempted by a young pitcher with great stuff who we hear wonderful things about. The kids get their chance and seem to shine. When Papelbon started his first game a few years ago, we all expected big things. Next came Jon Lester, who also started off with flair. Of course, we all know what happened with Buckholz last season. So, as fans, we all expected big things from Masterson. In his spot start in April, he did what he needed to do. He controlled the game, gave 6 solid innings, and left with the lead. Basically, the team said “thanks for the innings, take a seat on the bench and we’ll get you the win.” There was one flaw in that strategy. Actually two, they were Javier Lopez and Manny Delcarmen. I trust a week old cheese sandwich more than I trust those two. It got so bad that when Lopez came in last night, I turned it off. I was wondering if Francona had a personal grudge against Masterson or something. But Masterson learned his very important lesson from the April debacle.
This time, he was able to get an extra third of an inning out of his start. Not important you say? Not so fast. By getting that one out and getting yanked, he has established the mood of the inning and then disrupted it. In between innings, a batter is just sitting there swinging a bat knowing he has a few minutes. Once the inning starts, you know you’re on deck as long as the guy ahead of you is at bat. As a batter, you get disturbed by a pitching change (even if it is for Lopez or Delcarmen). Also, you are only trusting your sketchy middle relief to get 2 outs, which is definitely better than 3. Let the record show that the only run scored of the game, while charged to Masterson, was because Delcarmen soiled himself on the mound (or as baseball people would say “he pitched”).
Basically, I think all Red Sox starting pitchers know that in order to ensure the win, they need to pitch as least 7 full innings. Then, you are entrusting the game to Papijima. While not as solid as last year, they still get the job done most of the time. Going deep is fine for Beckett, but it’s the others that are a mystery. Dice-K has the stamina, but he also has control issues that hike his pitch count early. Wakefield is getting old, Lester doesn’t seem consistent, and Buckholz is still getting cuffed around the park at times. Also, when you bring up guys like Masterson and Colon, you don’t know how they’ll fare or how long they can last (Masterson because of pitch count issues and Colon because of injury issues). That is going to be the issue tonight, with Colon making his first start. Can he go deep into a game? My guess would be probably not. If he pitches well, you’ll get 5 to 6 innings tops from him. Of course, based on his size, he looks more capable of destroying downtown Tokyo than shutting down the Royals, but hey, I hear Godzilla had a nasty splitter.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Oh No No, Another Bad Sports Pun
Come on, everyone loves sports puns, especially one’s that are worthy of the Boston Herald (note, I haven’t seen the Herald yet today, so I can’t make loads of fun of the headline they gave Lester’s no hitter). I have two things to say about the no hitter, all while trying to put a spin on it that hasn’t already been beaten into the ground by sports writers, radio hosts, TV hosts, fans, bloggers, and crazy homeless people.
The first is that Lester was masterful. He had utter command, mixed his pitches, and seemed to be toying with batters. I was shocked that he was able to blow away hitters in the late innings. I loved when he would throw the high heat with 2 strikes, thereby changing eye levels, setting up hitters for that filthy curve that fell off the table. Who knew that Ellsbury’s diving catch in the 4th would carry so much importance? The thing about Lester is, you knew he had something like this in him, you just wondered if it would ever emerge. He never seemed to want to dominate hitters, or at least, never seemed to have the consistency to do so. The theme of this game was getting ahead of hitters and attacking harder than Sonny going after Carlo in “The Godfather”. In the past, he either lacked the confidence or consistency to do exactly that. We’ve seen flashes of this during the early season, making you wonder if the kid would finally settle down. Just two weeks ago, I told a friend that Lester would be a solid number 3 pitcher and that was his ceiling. If he can pitch like he did last night (not no hitters, but dominating for a good portion of the game), he could prove me dead wrong. This time, I wouldn’t mind being wrong.
The second was something that creeped into the head of every Sox fan watching the game. The “hey, wait a minute, this kid had cancer” thought process. Which is fine to mention once or twice, but it has started to overshadow the accomplishment. Now, I’m not belittling cancer or cancer survivors, my family could change our last name to Cancer, so I know what it does. I’m just saying that Lester does not want to be “the guy with cancer who threw the no hitter.” I think he just wants to be “the Major League pitcher who threw a no hitter.” He’ll never forget the fight he won, he’ll give inspirational speeches and visit kids in the hospital, but he doesn’t want any special treatment or special accolades because of it. I don’t think there was one story I saw that didn’t mention it. And here I am, mentioning it. Even I forget sometimes.
My basic point here is, let us appreciate this performance for what it was, a truly masterful performance by a young kid who will hopefully have a bright future. Let’s not think about the fact that he was on the trading block all winter long in a possible Johan Santana deal. Some things are better left forgotten.
The first is that Lester was masterful. He had utter command, mixed his pitches, and seemed to be toying with batters. I was shocked that he was able to blow away hitters in the late innings. I loved when he would throw the high heat with 2 strikes, thereby changing eye levels, setting up hitters for that filthy curve that fell off the table. Who knew that Ellsbury’s diving catch in the 4th would carry so much importance? The thing about Lester is, you knew he had something like this in him, you just wondered if it would ever emerge. He never seemed to want to dominate hitters, or at least, never seemed to have the consistency to do so. The theme of this game was getting ahead of hitters and attacking harder than Sonny going after Carlo in “The Godfather”. In the past, he either lacked the confidence or consistency to do exactly that. We’ve seen flashes of this during the early season, making you wonder if the kid would finally settle down. Just two weeks ago, I told a friend that Lester would be a solid number 3 pitcher and that was his ceiling. If he can pitch like he did last night (not no hitters, but dominating for a good portion of the game), he could prove me dead wrong. This time, I wouldn’t mind being wrong.
The second was something that creeped into the head of every Sox fan watching the game. The “hey, wait a minute, this kid had cancer” thought process. Which is fine to mention once or twice, but it has started to overshadow the accomplishment. Now, I’m not belittling cancer or cancer survivors, my family could change our last name to Cancer, so I know what it does. I’m just saying that Lester does not want to be “the guy with cancer who threw the no hitter.” I think he just wants to be “the Major League pitcher who threw a no hitter.” He’ll never forget the fight he won, he’ll give inspirational speeches and visit kids in the hospital, but he doesn’t want any special treatment or special accolades because of it. I don’t think there was one story I saw that didn’t mention it. And here I am, mentioning it. Even I forget sometimes.
My basic point here is, let us appreciate this performance for what it was, a truly masterful performance by a young kid who will hopefully have a bright future. Let’s not think about the fact that he was on the trading block all winter long in a possible Johan Santana deal. Some things are better left forgotten.
Monday, May 19, 2008
Forgiving Grady Little, Sort Of
Yesterday, the Boston Celtics vanquished the Cleveland Steamers, er Cavaliers, to advance to the Eastern Conference finals. I, not being a basketball fan or watching any basketball whatsoever, saw this as no surprise. I was actually happy (since these means I might be able to score Red Sox tickets). However, the fans around here are treating this like it’s as shocking as the Giants beating the Patriots.
I’m a sports fan. I watch the Sox, the Pats, college football, World Cup Soccer, and various other things and make a fool of myself rooting for my favorite teams. I grew up in New England and went to college around here. I just don’t get the Boston sports fan. I understand the fatalism, but that should have been injured after the Rams/Pats Super Bowl and killed after the 2004 World Series. Yet, after Game 4 of the Cavs/Celtics series, people were walking around bemoaning the fact that the Celtics suck and they can’t match up and they need to “get it together”. The Celtics were the best team all year long, but had some defensive liabilities on the floor (cough * Ray Allen * cough). LeBron James is, arguably, the best player in the NBA. What do you think was going to happen? LeBron wasn’t going to roll over and the Celtics seem more than willing to grab their ankles when they go on the road. However, the Celtics still had home court advantage, and that seems to be a monstrous advantage.
Yet, no one wanted to think about that. They were too busy crying about the injustice of it all. It seemed to be happening wherever I went. Does this happen elsewhere? Not the whole “I love sports with a passion” thing, I get that, but the whole fatalism of it all, expecting the worst from your sports team. That doesn’t make sports fun. People were wandering around work like someone had shot their dog. I had that look once that didn’t involve a firearm and a beloved family pet. It was after Game 7 of the ALCS in 2003. The infamous Grady Little Game. There is still a part of me that gets a little bitter thinking about it. But I realized something that night, or a few weeks later when I finally got over it. It was a flawed team that didn’t deserve it. The fact that they got that far was a miracle in itself. Plus, I didn’t have fun watching that series. I was all tense and angry, just waiting for the worst to happen. How is that fun?
It isn’t. But I learned something a year later during that 2004 ALCS. Just watch a team you love and that is all the fun you need. It was Game 4 and the Red Sox were down 3-0 to the Yankees. I thought about not watching, but I thought to myself “you know what; I’m going to watch because I want to see the best Red Sox in my lifetime finish their season.” Eight games and a World Series trophy later, I saw my team walk away winners. The lesson I learned was to never give up on your team until it’s all over, because you never know. All the bandwagon jumpers need to learn that lesson, or they might jump off the bandwagon too early.
I’m a sports fan. I watch the Sox, the Pats, college football, World Cup Soccer, and various other things and make a fool of myself rooting for my favorite teams. I grew up in New England and went to college around here. I just don’t get the Boston sports fan. I understand the fatalism, but that should have been injured after the Rams/Pats Super Bowl and killed after the 2004 World Series. Yet, after Game 4 of the Cavs/Celtics series, people were walking around bemoaning the fact that the Celtics suck and they can’t match up and they need to “get it together”. The Celtics were the best team all year long, but had some defensive liabilities on the floor (cough * Ray Allen * cough). LeBron James is, arguably, the best player in the NBA. What do you think was going to happen? LeBron wasn’t going to roll over and the Celtics seem more than willing to grab their ankles when they go on the road. However, the Celtics still had home court advantage, and that seems to be a monstrous advantage.
Yet, no one wanted to think about that. They were too busy crying about the injustice of it all. It seemed to be happening wherever I went. Does this happen elsewhere? Not the whole “I love sports with a passion” thing, I get that, but the whole fatalism of it all, expecting the worst from your sports team. That doesn’t make sports fun. People were wandering around work like someone had shot their dog. I had that look once that didn’t involve a firearm and a beloved family pet. It was after Game 7 of the ALCS in 2003. The infamous Grady Little Game. There is still a part of me that gets a little bitter thinking about it. But I realized something that night, or a few weeks later when I finally got over it. It was a flawed team that didn’t deserve it. The fact that they got that far was a miracle in itself. Plus, I didn’t have fun watching that series. I was all tense and angry, just waiting for the worst to happen. How is that fun?
It isn’t. But I learned something a year later during that 2004 ALCS. Just watch a team you love and that is all the fun you need. It was Game 4 and the Red Sox were down 3-0 to the Yankees. I thought about not watching, but I thought to myself “you know what; I’m going to watch because I want to see the best Red Sox in my lifetime finish their season.” Eight games and a World Series trophy later, I saw my team walk away winners. The lesson I learned was to never give up on your team until it’s all over, because you never know. All the bandwagon jumpers need to learn that lesson, or they might jump off the bandwagon too early.
Friday, May 2, 2008
Is Perrilloux Cajun For Vick?
A little college football for all you out there. First and foremost, Ryan Perrilloux got booted off the LSU team today for unspecified reasons (cough * drugs * cough). This guy has been playing fast and loose with the rules ever since stepping foot on campus. He was involved in fights at nightclubs, using fake ID’s (to try to get into a casino), and was on the fringes of a counterfeiting investigation. Plus, he skipped team meetings and classes and showed up late to workouts. WHAT THE HELL?!?! Did anyone both to tell this punk that he was destined to be the starting QB of one of the best teams in the country? I hate when great athletes piss away talent (the Vick Disease). How tough is it to go to class, stay away from unsavory people, and show up on time to practice? Someone buy this kid a fucking watch. He lead LSU to victory in the SEC Championship Game last year and now the closest he’ll get to the team is selling programs on game day. Good riddance to bad rubbish.
I’m more than a little worried about my Clemson Tigers. I know at the end of last year I was all balls out about there chances this year, but know I’ve had the long, cold New England winter to think it over. Sure, they have most of their offensive firepower returning, but there are still question marks. The first one is there offensive line. It’s more suspect than the President Roslin’s health on BSG. Second is the extremely inexperienced linebacking core. Third, and most importantly, this team can’t handle high expectations. When they get into must-win situations, they fold faster Peyton Manning against the Florida Gators. I mean, look at the BC game last year for a prime example. I just want Rob Spence to remember one thing. DON’T FORGET TO CALL WIDE RECEIVER SCREENS AND INTERMEDIATE PASSES. For some reason, he’ll start calling fly patterns to Aaron Kelly followed by 1 yard dives by James Davis. Gee, it didn’t work the first 20 times you called it, how about mixing it up!
One more note. I noticed that Mark Sanchez got named USC’s starting QB. I guess the stink job he posted last year wasn’t enough for Carroll to put in Mustain at QB. I mean, God forbid we get a little competition in camp. I wouldn’t trust Sanchez to start my car, let alone start for USC. I have a bad feeling about this. The Pac-10 will be inconsistent at best this year. I just have a feeling. All the pimping I did for the conference for the past 5 years will be worthless. Thankfully, no one listened to me back then. Now, I have a faithful audience of two people. You guys rock.
I’m more than a little worried about my Clemson Tigers. I know at the end of last year I was all balls out about there chances this year, but know I’ve had the long, cold New England winter to think it over. Sure, they have most of their offensive firepower returning, but there are still question marks. The first one is there offensive line. It’s more suspect than the President Roslin’s health on BSG. Second is the extremely inexperienced linebacking core. Third, and most importantly, this team can’t handle high expectations. When they get into must-win situations, they fold faster Peyton Manning against the Florida Gators. I mean, look at the BC game last year for a prime example. I just want Rob Spence to remember one thing. DON’T FORGET TO CALL WIDE RECEIVER SCREENS AND INTERMEDIATE PASSES. For some reason, he’ll start calling fly patterns to Aaron Kelly followed by 1 yard dives by James Davis. Gee, it didn’t work the first 20 times you called it, how about mixing it up!
One more note. I noticed that Mark Sanchez got named USC’s starting QB. I guess the stink job he posted last year wasn’t enough for Carroll to put in Mustain at QB. I mean, God forbid we get a little competition in camp. I wouldn’t trust Sanchez to start my car, let alone start for USC. I have a bad feeling about this. The Pac-10 will be inconsistent at best this year. I just have a feeling. All the pimping I did for the conference for the past 5 years will be worthless. Thankfully, no one listened to me back then. Now, I have a faithful audience of two people. You guys rock.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Pink Doesn't Go With Black and Gold
To start off, yes, I watched the Bruins game last night. I’m not going to sit here and wax intellectual on the game, making it sound like I know the slightest thing about hockey. I pretty much stopped caring after the lock-out, like most people. So, I have knowledge of the game and know some of the Bruins players, but I can’t start spouting out stats and matchups. I can’t tell you who won last years Stanley Cup, but I did have one piece of knowledge. I knew the Bruins would lose to the Canadians. I just figured it would be done in 5 games.
When my buddy DB emailed me prior to the series and said the Bruins would be swept, I put my little knowledge to work and made the argument that they would fall ass backwards into a win, probably at Game 3, just to draw the fans in before playing like a bunch of asshats and getting smoked in Games 4 and 5. See, the city of Boston didn’t care about the Bruins, which made them so appealing to someone like me. With the pink hatters on the Celtics bandwagon and slobbering over the Red Sox, the Bruins were left to toil in obscurity, with the true fans attending the games and having discussions like “Could a young Cam Neely kick the shit out of Milan Lucic?” at the Penalty Box afterwards. Of course, it was for this reason that Games 3 and 4 at the Garden were packed with Habs fans (which lead to many a drunken brawl). Then the unthinkable happened. The Bruins won Game 3, but lost Game 4, leaving them down 3-1. Instead of throwing in the towel, they actually pulled together, and won Game 5 in Montreal, then Game 6 back in Boston, heading to the pivotal Game 7 in Montreal. Because of this, the pink hatters took notice, and it all went downhill from there.
After watching Game 6, I got kinda amped for Game 7. This was like old-school hockey. Habs/B’s, Game 7, hard hitting, it was going to be fun. Then Monday rolled around. I walked into work on Marathon Monday and it all went to hell. Since the Sox were playing at 11am, that left the whole afternoon for hockey. Sure enough, as soon as the Sox had it well in hand, the chatter started up. Some kid who didn’t even watch or talk about the Bruins all season was suddenly “The Bruins are on a roll. They can win tonight. Plus, they match up well against Pittsburgh, so they can do things.” How about this? SHUT YOUR GOB! You don’t know what you’re talking about, you pink hatted ass clown. Seriously, why did he have to open his mouth? It’s like he was intentionally trying to piss me off. He wasn’t the only one. I heard it from other people, I heard it on the train, and I heard it when the bandwagon jumpers called WEEI. None of these people had seen one period of hockey all year, and now they feeling the can talk intellectually about the Bruins. No you can’t. You’re a tool and should not talk or go to games or piss me off in any way.
By the time I got home, I didn’t even want to see the game. It was like it was ruined for me. I watched it anyway, but had no enjoyment while doing so. At 8pm, I turned the channel to “Bones” on FOX. The Duchess said I could keep watching, but the game was pretty much over for me. I checked during the commercials and the situation became bleaker. When the final horn sounded, the Bruin’s were put out of there misery, 5-0. You could almost hear the stampede away from the bandwagon. The pink hatters have skipped happily back to the Red Sox and Celtics and I don’t have to worry about them until next years Stanley Cup Playoffs. At least I know I can watch the Revs and not have to worry about pink hats.
When my buddy DB emailed me prior to the series and said the Bruins would be swept, I put my little knowledge to work and made the argument that they would fall ass backwards into a win, probably at Game 3, just to draw the fans in before playing like a bunch of asshats and getting smoked in Games 4 and 5. See, the city of Boston didn’t care about the Bruins, which made them so appealing to someone like me. With the pink hatters on the Celtics bandwagon and slobbering over the Red Sox, the Bruins were left to toil in obscurity, with the true fans attending the games and having discussions like “Could a young Cam Neely kick the shit out of Milan Lucic?” at the Penalty Box afterwards. Of course, it was for this reason that Games 3 and 4 at the Garden were packed with Habs fans (which lead to many a drunken brawl). Then the unthinkable happened. The Bruins won Game 3, but lost Game 4, leaving them down 3-1. Instead of throwing in the towel, they actually pulled together, and won Game 5 in Montreal, then Game 6 back in Boston, heading to the pivotal Game 7 in Montreal. Because of this, the pink hatters took notice, and it all went downhill from there.
After watching Game 6, I got kinda amped for Game 7. This was like old-school hockey. Habs/B’s, Game 7, hard hitting, it was going to be fun. Then Monday rolled around. I walked into work on Marathon Monday and it all went to hell. Since the Sox were playing at 11am, that left the whole afternoon for hockey. Sure enough, as soon as the Sox had it well in hand, the chatter started up. Some kid who didn’t even watch or talk about the Bruins all season was suddenly “The Bruins are on a roll. They can win tonight. Plus, they match up well against Pittsburgh, so they can do things.” How about this? SHUT YOUR GOB! You don’t know what you’re talking about, you pink hatted ass clown. Seriously, why did he have to open his mouth? It’s like he was intentionally trying to piss me off. He wasn’t the only one. I heard it from other people, I heard it on the train, and I heard it when the bandwagon jumpers called WEEI. None of these people had seen one period of hockey all year, and now they feeling the can talk intellectually about the Bruins. No you can’t. You’re a tool and should not talk or go to games or piss me off in any way.
By the time I got home, I didn’t even want to see the game. It was like it was ruined for me. I watched it anyway, but had no enjoyment while doing so. At 8pm, I turned the channel to “Bones” on FOX. The Duchess said I could keep watching, but the game was pretty much over for me. I checked during the commercials and the situation became bleaker. When the final horn sounded, the Bruin’s were put out of there misery, 5-0. You could almost hear the stampede away from the bandwagon. The pink hatters have skipped happily back to the Red Sox and Celtics and I don’t have to worry about them until next years Stanley Cup Playoffs. At least I know I can watch the Revs and not have to worry about pink hats.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Red Sox Insanity
Unless you live under a rock or part of the “bitter” people referred to by Senator Obama, you’ve heard about this Red Sox jersey that was unearthed in the new Yankee Stadium. The story goes that some construction worker was trying to jinx the Yankees by burying a David Ortiz jersey into the construction of the new stadium. There are just so many things wrong with this; I don’t even know where to begin.
First things first, there is no such thing as jinxes and curses. Anyone who believes the Red Sox were cursed are pathetic losers who helped put Dan Shaughnessy’s ugly kids through college. The reason the Red Sox didn’t win a World Series for 86 years is because they were either beat by better teams in the playoffs or played like absolute shit. You want to know why the Sox lost to the Mets in 1986. It wasn’t because Babe Ruth’s ghost was exacting revenge. It was because Clemens opted out, turning the game over to the weakness of the 1986 Red Sox, the bullpen. I’m sorry but it’s the truth. You can add Gedman’s inability to catch and McNamara’s inability to manage, but if you’re turning the deciding game over to a human sweatbox and a guy whose nickname was “The Steamer”, you have issues. I wouldn’t trust either of those guys to order a pizza, let alone close out the deciding game of the World Series. But I digress.
Second, how does burying a Red Sox jersey jinx or curse the Yankees? Wouldn’t all the concrete poured over it and then setting rip the jersey to shit, thereby immortalizing the tatters of the Red Sox organization for all eternity? Who comes up with this bright idea anyway? You’re going to jinx the Yankees by overpaying for an Ortiz jersey and burying it in the new Yankee Stadium? Was this guy a Rhodes Scholar? If you want to jinx the Yankees, do something useful. You could hire a transvestite hooker to give Jeter a STD. That would work. See, that would be doing something useful, not something pathetic and dumb. Plus, he’s risking his high paying, do nothing union job to pull this off. If this guy is some family’s main source of income, I think a little relocation is in order. Now I hear the Yankees are threatening some sort of legal action. Man, this guy needs to buy a lottery ticket, because everything is going right.
Third, how is this even news? Who cares if some mouth breather buried a jersey into some building? This is considered news to all the people who care about the next thing “Mother of the Year” candidate Britney Spears is doing. I could care less, but some pink-hatted freak who thinks that Varitek is “so cute” is reading every article on this. By the by, the pink-hatted freaks are also the reason I can’t get tickets. Yet the Boston Media picks up on this and writes a bunch of articles and talks about it on sports radio and run news stories about it on TV. And don’t get me started on the New York media. Wasn’t winning the World Series suppose to cure “Red Sox Nation” of there habitual idiocy? If anything, it’s made it worse. It makes every Red Sox fan look sad, pathetic, ungracious, and annoying. I’m none of those things, yet I get lumped in because of this. Not only this, but the coverage of this, where ESPN and local TV go to “the streets” and talk to the unshowered, drunken masses of Boston who say dumb shit and make us all look like we drink PBR and don’t know what soap is (you know, like people from Indianapolis). Of course, most of these people are kids at the fine institutions of higher learning the in the Boston area who are spending mommy and daddy’s money to drink, smoke, and get laid for 4 straight years.
Alright, I have to quit before this turns into more of a nonsensical rant than it already is. I can’t wait to read the new and refreshing twist Bill Simmons is about to put on this. Just thinking about it is giving me a headache.
First things first, there is no such thing as jinxes and curses. Anyone who believes the Red Sox were cursed are pathetic losers who helped put Dan Shaughnessy’s ugly kids through college. The reason the Red Sox didn’t win a World Series for 86 years is because they were either beat by better teams in the playoffs or played like absolute shit. You want to know why the Sox lost to the Mets in 1986. It wasn’t because Babe Ruth’s ghost was exacting revenge. It was because Clemens opted out, turning the game over to the weakness of the 1986 Red Sox, the bullpen. I’m sorry but it’s the truth. You can add Gedman’s inability to catch and McNamara’s inability to manage, but if you’re turning the deciding game over to a human sweatbox and a guy whose nickname was “The Steamer”, you have issues. I wouldn’t trust either of those guys to order a pizza, let alone close out the deciding game of the World Series. But I digress.
Second, how does burying a Red Sox jersey jinx or curse the Yankees? Wouldn’t all the concrete poured over it and then setting rip the jersey to shit, thereby immortalizing the tatters of the Red Sox organization for all eternity? Who comes up with this bright idea anyway? You’re going to jinx the Yankees by overpaying for an Ortiz jersey and burying it in the new Yankee Stadium? Was this guy a Rhodes Scholar? If you want to jinx the Yankees, do something useful. You could hire a transvestite hooker to give Jeter a STD. That would work. See, that would be doing something useful, not something pathetic and dumb. Plus, he’s risking his high paying, do nothing union job to pull this off. If this guy is some family’s main source of income, I think a little relocation is in order. Now I hear the Yankees are threatening some sort of legal action. Man, this guy needs to buy a lottery ticket, because everything is going right.
Third, how is this even news? Who cares if some mouth breather buried a jersey into some building? This is considered news to all the people who care about the next thing “Mother of the Year” candidate Britney Spears is doing. I could care less, but some pink-hatted freak who thinks that Varitek is “so cute” is reading every article on this. By the by, the pink-hatted freaks are also the reason I can’t get tickets. Yet the Boston Media picks up on this and writes a bunch of articles and talks about it on sports radio and run news stories about it on TV. And don’t get me started on the New York media. Wasn’t winning the World Series suppose to cure “Red Sox Nation” of there habitual idiocy? If anything, it’s made it worse. It makes every Red Sox fan look sad, pathetic, ungracious, and annoying. I’m none of those things, yet I get lumped in because of this. Not only this, but the coverage of this, where ESPN and local TV go to “the streets” and talk to the unshowered, drunken masses of Boston who say dumb shit and make us all look like we drink PBR and don’t know what soap is (you know, like people from Indianapolis). Of course, most of these people are kids at the fine institutions of higher learning the in the Boston area who are spending mommy and daddy’s money to drink, smoke, and get laid for 4 straight years.
Alright, I have to quit before this turns into more of a nonsensical rant than it already is. I can’t wait to read the new and refreshing twist Bill Simmons is about to put on this. Just thinking about it is giving me a headache.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Just Say No
I know it’s been a while, and my only excuse is that I’m extremely lame. There, I admitted it, so let’s roll. I want to talk about TV as the educator. I remember when I was younger watching TV shows that were trying to send me a message. The message was that drugs and drinking were bad things. I’m going to run down for you the Top 5 anti-drug/anti-drinking TV episodes of all time (please note, if I was writing about the glorification of drugs, number 1 would be the “90210” episode where Dylan chased the dragon and then drove his car off the road. That was classic).
5) “Mr. Belvedere” – Kevin Likes the Booze – “Mr. Belvedere” was a classic 80’s show about a Pennsylvania family that hires and English housekeeper and hilarity ensues. Anyway, the oldest son Kevin is a popular guy who would definitely be going to parties, so Mom and Dad tell him that if he’s at a party and drinks, that it’s okay, just give them a call so he doesn’t drive drunk. Well, Kevin takes this as an invitation and decides to get annihilated at every party he goes to. Mom and Dad have enough of this and put there collective foots down, teaching us all that don’t drive drunk and don’t drink period unless you are consenting adult. Extra irony points for the fact that Bob Uecker was the Dad and also a spokesman for Miller Lite. The old man was probably just pissed because Kevin was drinking Bud.
4) “The OC” – Tijuana Baby – The whole gang decides to drive down to TJ for a little after summer party. I know I used to do that at the end of every summer. Basically, TJ is a lawless area where drugs and booze are readily available, and good thing, because Marissa wants a little of both. After catching her boyfriend macking some whore, Marissa runs off to the nearest sleazy bar and starts hitting the tequila hard. Seeing as that isn’t doing the trick, she also decides to take a fist full of muscle relaxers. Good times! Realizing that being in this condition in a bar full of overweight, sleazy townies, she decides to stumble out into some alley and pass out. Yeah, the alley is much safer than a filthy bar. Ryan appears and carries her lifeless body out of the alley and it fades to black. If she had just died of the OD, it would have saved us from the horrible acting of the obnoxious, deluded, and self-absorbed Mischa Barton. It also would have saved the show, since her horrible acting pretty much killed it. Extra irony points for the fact that Mischa Barton recently got nabbed for DUI.
3) “Growing Pains” – The Bathroom” – The sad thing about this episode was that I hadn’t seen it in at least 10 years, but when it popped up on Nick at Nite a few months ago, I knew which episode it was within 5 seconds (much to the chagrin of the Duchess). Basically, Mike and his friends go to a party hosted by teenage Kristy Swanson. At the party, party guests are encouraged to “go to the bathroom”. The bathroom was obviously decorated by Pablo Escobar, because that is where everyone is snorting the coke. We find out that Kristy swiped the blow from her parents. My question (which went unanswered) was how was she going to replace it? I don’t think Baking Soda would do the trick. Did her parents have a kilo, because everyone was doing it? Anyway, Kristy and her friends beckon Mike and his friends to the bathroom. After serious debate, Mike leaves while his friends stay. Mike has a heart-to-heart with Old Man Seaver about this and he does the typical 80’s dad thing and says that drugs are bad and he’s proud of Mike. We also learn that Mike’s friends didn’t go to the bathroom. This gets extra points because it has Kirk Cameron in a special after episode “don’t do drugs” spot.
2) “California Dreams” – Roid Rage – Anyone who doesn’t know the show “California Dreams” can just leave right now (think “Saved by the Bell” if the Bell had revolved around The Zack Attack). Bright, bubbly Tiffani needs a little help when it comes to volleyball. So, instead of practicing and working out, she turns to steroids. The over the top acting by Kelly Packard in this one is what sells it. She takes roids like once and all of a sudden, she’s snapping at people and throwing crap around. I’m laughing just thinking about it. It was just so unintentionally funny. However, its running mate on Saturday morning takes the cake.
1) “Saved by the Bell” – I’m So Excited About The Tartikoff – The number 1 spot actually goes to two separate Bell episodes. The first was the when where Bayside High was going to host an anti-drug commercial that was going to star some flavor of the month teen heartthrob. He meets the kids and immediately asks out Kelly. Since Kelly is willing to spread her legs for any pretty boy (see Zack and Slater), she says yes and they go to a party (he invites the other to come along too). At the party, the pretty boy starts rocking the ganja, much to Kelly’s shock. He offers her a hit and she declines, leading to one of the funniest lines in Bell history (“Look guys, she’s just saying no”). Zack comes in and finds out and takes her outta there. At the shoot the next day, Zack tries to teach the teen heartthrob the meaning of the word “hypocrisy” (which he doesn’t understand), so the gang walks off the commercial. Belding, upon hearing the story, calls his good friend to come up with a solution. His good friend just happens to be the head of NBC, Brandon Tartikoff, who shows up and stars in the commercial with the kids. Feel good ending.
The second episode really doesn’t need any introduction. All you need to read is Jessie Spano, caffeine pills, and me bursting into laughter every time I hear “I’m So Excited” on the radio.
5) “Mr. Belvedere” – Kevin Likes the Booze – “Mr. Belvedere” was a classic 80’s show about a Pennsylvania family that hires and English housekeeper and hilarity ensues. Anyway, the oldest son Kevin is a popular guy who would definitely be going to parties, so Mom and Dad tell him that if he’s at a party and drinks, that it’s okay, just give them a call so he doesn’t drive drunk. Well, Kevin takes this as an invitation and decides to get annihilated at every party he goes to. Mom and Dad have enough of this and put there collective foots down, teaching us all that don’t drive drunk and don’t drink period unless you are consenting adult. Extra irony points for the fact that Bob Uecker was the Dad and also a spokesman for Miller Lite. The old man was probably just pissed because Kevin was drinking Bud.
4) “The OC” – Tijuana Baby – The whole gang decides to drive down to TJ for a little after summer party. I know I used to do that at the end of every summer. Basically, TJ is a lawless area where drugs and booze are readily available, and good thing, because Marissa wants a little of both. After catching her boyfriend macking some whore, Marissa runs off to the nearest sleazy bar and starts hitting the tequila hard. Seeing as that isn’t doing the trick, she also decides to take a fist full of muscle relaxers. Good times! Realizing that being in this condition in a bar full of overweight, sleazy townies, she decides to stumble out into some alley and pass out. Yeah, the alley is much safer than a filthy bar. Ryan appears and carries her lifeless body out of the alley and it fades to black. If she had just died of the OD, it would have saved us from the horrible acting of the obnoxious, deluded, and self-absorbed Mischa Barton. It also would have saved the show, since her horrible acting pretty much killed it. Extra irony points for the fact that Mischa Barton recently got nabbed for DUI.
3) “Growing Pains” – The Bathroom” – The sad thing about this episode was that I hadn’t seen it in at least 10 years, but when it popped up on Nick at Nite a few months ago, I knew which episode it was within 5 seconds (much to the chagrin of the Duchess). Basically, Mike and his friends go to a party hosted by teenage Kristy Swanson. At the party, party guests are encouraged to “go to the bathroom”. The bathroom was obviously decorated by Pablo Escobar, because that is where everyone is snorting the coke. We find out that Kristy swiped the blow from her parents. My question (which went unanswered) was how was she going to replace it? I don’t think Baking Soda would do the trick. Did her parents have a kilo, because everyone was doing it? Anyway, Kristy and her friends beckon Mike and his friends to the bathroom. After serious debate, Mike leaves while his friends stay. Mike has a heart-to-heart with Old Man Seaver about this and he does the typical 80’s dad thing and says that drugs are bad and he’s proud of Mike. We also learn that Mike’s friends didn’t go to the bathroom. This gets extra points because it has Kirk Cameron in a special after episode “don’t do drugs” spot.
2) “California Dreams” – Roid Rage – Anyone who doesn’t know the show “California Dreams” can just leave right now (think “Saved by the Bell” if the Bell had revolved around The Zack Attack). Bright, bubbly Tiffani needs a little help when it comes to volleyball. So, instead of practicing and working out, she turns to steroids. The over the top acting by Kelly Packard in this one is what sells it. She takes roids like once and all of a sudden, she’s snapping at people and throwing crap around. I’m laughing just thinking about it. It was just so unintentionally funny. However, its running mate on Saturday morning takes the cake.
1) “Saved by the Bell” – I’m So Excited About The Tartikoff – The number 1 spot actually goes to two separate Bell episodes. The first was the when where Bayside High was going to host an anti-drug commercial that was going to star some flavor of the month teen heartthrob. He meets the kids and immediately asks out Kelly. Since Kelly is willing to spread her legs for any pretty boy (see Zack and Slater), she says yes and they go to a party (he invites the other to come along too). At the party, the pretty boy starts rocking the ganja, much to Kelly’s shock. He offers her a hit and she declines, leading to one of the funniest lines in Bell history (“Look guys, she’s just saying no”). Zack comes in and finds out and takes her outta there. At the shoot the next day, Zack tries to teach the teen heartthrob the meaning of the word “hypocrisy” (which he doesn’t understand), so the gang walks off the commercial. Belding, upon hearing the story, calls his good friend to come up with a solution. His good friend just happens to be the head of NBC, Brandon Tartikoff, who shows up and stars in the commercial with the kids. Feel good ending.
The second episode really doesn’t need any introduction. All you need to read is Jessie Spano, caffeine pills, and me bursting into laughter every time I hear “I’m So Excited” on the radio.
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