Just Say No

I know it’s been a while, and my only excuse is that I’m extremely lame. There, I admitted it, so let’s roll. I want to talk about TV as the educator. I remember when I was younger watching TV shows that were trying to send me a message. The message was that drugs and drinking were bad things. I’m going to run down for you the Top 5 anti-drug/anti-drinking TV episodes of all time (please note, if I was writing about the glorification of drugs, number 1 would be the “90210” episode where Dylan chased the dragon and then drove his car off the road. That was classic).

5) “Mr. Belvedere” – Kevin Likes the Booze – “Mr. Belvedere” was a classic 80’s show about a Pennsylvania family that hires and English housekeeper and hilarity ensues. Anyway, the oldest son Kevin is a popular guy who would definitely be going to parties, so Mom and Dad tell him that if he’s at a party and drinks, that it’s okay, just give them a call so he doesn’t drive drunk. Well, Kevin takes this as an invitation and decides to get annihilated at every party he goes to. Mom and Dad have enough of this and put there collective foots down, teaching us all that don’t drive drunk and don’t drink period unless you are consenting adult. Extra irony points for the fact that Bob Uecker was the Dad and also a spokesman for Miller Lite. The old man was probably just pissed because Kevin was drinking Bud.

4) “The OC” – Tijuana Baby – The whole gang decides to drive down to TJ for a little after summer party. I know I used to do that at the end of every summer. Basically, TJ is a lawless area where drugs and booze are readily available, and good thing, because Marissa wants a little of both. After catching her boyfriend macking some whore, Marissa runs off to the nearest sleazy bar and starts hitting the tequila hard. Seeing as that isn’t doing the trick, she also decides to take a fist full of muscle relaxers. Good times! Realizing that being in this condition in a bar full of overweight, sleazy townies, she decides to stumble out into some alley and pass out. Yeah, the alley is much safer than a filthy bar. Ryan appears and carries her lifeless body out of the alley and it fades to black. If she had just died of the OD, it would have saved us from the horrible acting of the obnoxious, deluded, and self-absorbed Mischa Barton. It also would have saved the show, since her horrible acting pretty much killed it. Extra irony points for the fact that Mischa Barton recently got nabbed for DUI.

3) “Growing Pains” – The Bathroom” – The sad thing about this episode was that I hadn’t seen it in at least 10 years, but when it popped up on Nick at Nite a few months ago, I knew which episode it was within 5 seconds (much to the chagrin of the Duchess). Basically, Mike and his friends go to a party hosted by teenage Kristy Swanson. At the party, party guests are encouraged to “go to the bathroom”. The bathroom was obviously decorated by Pablo Escobar, because that is where everyone is snorting the coke. We find out that Kristy swiped the blow from her parents. My question (which went unanswered) was how was she going to replace it? I don’t think Baking Soda would do the trick. Did her parents have a kilo, because everyone was doing it? Anyway, Kristy and her friends beckon Mike and his friends to the bathroom. After serious debate, Mike leaves while his friends stay. Mike has a heart-to-heart with Old Man Seaver about this and he does the typical 80’s dad thing and says that drugs are bad and he’s proud of Mike. We also learn that Mike’s friends didn’t go to the bathroom. This gets extra points because it has Kirk Cameron in a special after episode “don’t do drugs” spot.

2) “California Dreams” – Roid Rage – Anyone who doesn’t know the show “California Dreams” can just leave right now (think “Saved by the Bell” if the Bell had revolved around The Zack Attack). Bright, bubbly Tiffani needs a little help when it comes to volleyball. So, instead of practicing and working out, she turns to steroids. The over the top acting by Kelly Packard in this one is what sells it. She takes roids like once and all of a sudden, she’s snapping at people and throwing crap around. I’m laughing just thinking about it. It was just so unintentionally funny. However, its running mate on Saturday morning takes the cake.

1) “Saved by the Bell” – I’m So Excited About The Tartikoff – The number 1 spot actually goes to two separate Bell episodes. The first was the when where Bayside High was going to host an anti-drug commercial that was going to star some flavor of the month teen heartthrob. He meets the kids and immediately asks out Kelly. Since Kelly is willing to spread her legs for any pretty boy (see Zack and Slater), she says yes and they go to a party (he invites the other to come along too). At the party, the pretty boy starts rocking the ganja, much to Kelly’s shock. He offers her a hit and she declines, leading to one of the funniest lines in Bell history (“Look guys, she’s just saying no”). Zack comes in and finds out and takes her outta there. At the shoot the next day, Zack tries to teach the teen heartthrob the meaning of the word “hypocrisy” (which he doesn’t understand), so the gang walks off the commercial. Belding, upon hearing the story, calls his good friend to come up with a solution. His good friend just happens to be the head of NBC, Brandon Tartikoff, who shows up and stars in the commercial with the kids. Feel good ending.

The second episode really doesn’t need any introduction. All you need to read is Jessie Spano, caffeine pills, and me bursting into laughter every time I hear “I’m So Excited” on the radio.