White Trash Heaven

I realize that as of late, I’ve been ignoring my non-sports reading fans. So, fear not, I’m about to astound you with tales that have absolutely nothing to do with real sports.

Over Labor Day weekend, the Duchess and I returned to the state in which I was raised to; once again, expose her to the wonder that is the Vermont State Fair. The best way to sum up the Fair is a comment a friend of my Dad’s made when my Dad told him I was bring her. “Does he want to scare her off?” Oh yes, that is the Fair in a nutshell.

Now, the Fair has everything you could possibly want for fun-filled entertainment. You have rides, bad food (health wise), farm animals, pig races, country music, political kiosks, mouth-breathing locals, and people hocking shitty products. By shitty products, I mean everything from flimsy jewelry to campers. And I mean everything. The only thing they didn’t have was the one thing I wanted, which was the Sham-Wow. You know, that product you see on TV being sold by the guy who looks like he suffered a stroke about 5 minutes prior to taping. You know, it was made in Germany!!!

Anyway, after we filled ourselves with bad food sold by boosters of the local Catholic high school, we made our way to building that was holding bunnies for sale and a bunch of other animals. When we walk in, we see a cage holding two llamas. Let’s just say the llamas weren’t being shy about there affections (bumping uglies, knocking boots, making the beast with two backs, whatever you want to call it).

Now, I’m not trying to look. I’m making a conscious effort to seem interested in the beaver pelts some dude was displaying. It’s kind of tough when the Duchess is standing next to me looking to be cycling her emotions between confused, shocked, and laughing out loud. Not only that, but the llamas seemed to have attracted a crowd of slack-jawed on-lookers. Seriously people, go home and watch skin-a-max.

Well, I’m not a prude or anything, but I don’t need to stare at two llamas getting it on. Two things about the llama sex show before I continue. 1) The male llama would have no issues if there was ever a market for llama porn. 2) She seemed about as thrilled as I am whenever I heard about a delay on my commuter rail line (or as I refer to it, the Seventh Circle of Hell).

As soon as I was able to extricate myself from that building, we made our way up to the cow milking area. Thankfully, no animal sex was going on. Basically, three cows were led in and hooked up to a machine to milk them. The Duchess and I found this oddly fascinating, spending a solid 30 minutes there, even making bets on which cow would fill up there milk container first. After this, we decided to leave the fair for a few hours before returning for the main event.

The main event happened to be a demolition derby. Oh boy, oh boy. Now, for the uneducated, a demolition derby is basically a bunch of cars smashing into each other until only one car is left running. My Dad scored us second row seats so the possibility of getting hit with flying dirt, rocks, and/or car parts was high. It seemed like every driver had their own cheering section and I’m pretty sure I had more teeth than any other spectators combined. It basically went as you would expect. One added bonus was the fact that they needed to get the losing car heaps off the track.

No self-respecting tow truck driver was going to do it, so the fair let people in for free if they would tow some demolished cars. So, you had a handful of rape vans and pickup trucks that would come out and tow off the cars at the end of each round. Two things stood out here.

One was that one of the pickups had four people, a guy and girl in the cab and a guy and girl in the back of the pickup. Nothing says a Saturday night out with your dates like towing cars at the demolition derby. Of course, its Vermont, so that is pretty much a high quality date.

Two was one of the other pickups was proudly flying the Confederate flag. Yes, you read that correctly. A quick history lesson here about the state of Vermont. They were the first state to outlaw slavery in it Constitution. It is also the northern most state in which a Civil War battle took place. Oh yeah, IT WAS ALSO IN THE UNION. What a bunch of mouth-breathing, inbred, bango-strumming hicks. Go back to Indianapolis where you belong.

After it was over, I knew my experience could only go downhill from there, so we took off. All and all, it was a pretty good time. You know, if you take the overt racism and animal sex all in stride.