Pink Doesn't Go With Black and Gold

To start off, yes, I watched the Bruins game last night. I’m not going to sit here and wax intellectual on the game, making it sound like I know the slightest thing about hockey. I pretty much stopped caring after the lock-out, like most people. So, I have knowledge of the game and know some of the Bruins players, but I can’t start spouting out stats and matchups. I can’t tell you who won last years Stanley Cup, but I did have one piece of knowledge. I knew the Bruins would lose to the Canadians. I just figured it would be done in 5 games.

When my buddy DB emailed me prior to the series and said the Bruins would be swept, I put my little knowledge to work and made the argument that they would fall ass backwards into a win, probably at Game 3, just to draw the fans in before playing like a bunch of asshats and getting smoked in Games 4 and 5. See, the city of Boston didn’t care about the Bruins, which made them so appealing to someone like me. With the pink hatters on the Celtics bandwagon and slobbering over the Red Sox, the Bruins were left to toil in obscurity, with the true fans attending the games and having discussions like “Could a young Cam Neely kick the shit out of Milan Lucic?” at the Penalty Box afterwards. Of course, it was for this reason that Games 3 and 4 at the Garden were packed with Habs fans (which lead to many a drunken brawl). Then the unthinkable happened. The Bruins won Game 3, but lost Game 4, leaving them down 3-1. Instead of throwing in the towel, they actually pulled together, and won Game 5 in Montreal, then Game 6 back in Boston, heading to the pivotal Game 7 in Montreal. Because of this, the pink hatters took notice, and it all went downhill from there.

After watching Game 6, I got kinda amped for Game 7. This was like old-school hockey. Habs/B’s, Game 7, hard hitting, it was going to be fun. Then Monday rolled around. I walked into work on Marathon Monday and it all went to hell. Since the Sox were playing at 11am, that left the whole afternoon for hockey. Sure enough, as soon as the Sox had it well in hand, the chatter started up. Some kid who didn’t even watch or talk about the Bruins all season was suddenly “The Bruins are on a roll. They can win tonight. Plus, they match up well against Pittsburgh, so they can do things.” How about this? SHUT YOUR GOB! You don’t know what you’re talking about, you pink hatted ass clown. Seriously, why did he have to open his mouth? It’s like he was intentionally trying to piss me off. He wasn’t the only one. I heard it from other people, I heard it on the train, and I heard it when the bandwagon jumpers called WEEI. None of these people had seen one period of hockey all year, and now they feeling the can talk intellectually about the Bruins. No you can’t. You’re a tool and should not talk or go to games or piss me off in any way.

By the time I got home, I didn’t even want to see the game. It was like it was ruined for me. I watched it anyway, but had no enjoyment while doing so. At 8pm, I turned the channel to “Bones” on FOX. The Duchess said I could keep watching, but the game was pretty much over for me. I checked during the commercials and the situation became bleaker. When the final horn sounded, the Bruin’s were put out of there misery, 5-0. You could almost hear the stampede away from the bandwagon. The pink hatters have skipped happily back to the Red Sox and Celtics and I don’t have to worry about them until next years Stanley Cup Playoffs. At least I know I can watch the Revs and not have to worry about pink hats.

Red Sox Insanity

Unless you live under a rock or part of the “bitter” people referred to by Senator Obama, you’ve heard about this Red Sox jersey that was unearthed in the new Yankee Stadium. The story goes that some construction worker was trying to jinx the Yankees by burying a David Ortiz jersey into the construction of the new stadium. There are just so many things wrong with this; I don’t even know where to begin.

First things first, there is no such thing as jinxes and curses. Anyone who believes the Red Sox were cursed are pathetic losers who helped put Dan Shaughnessy’s ugly kids through college. The reason the Red Sox didn’t win a World Series for 86 years is because they were either beat by better teams in the playoffs or played like absolute shit. You want to know why the Sox lost to the Mets in 1986. It wasn’t because Babe Ruth’s ghost was exacting revenge. It was because Clemens opted out, turning the game over to the weakness of the 1986 Red Sox, the bullpen. I’m sorry but it’s the truth. You can add Gedman’s inability to catch and McNamara’s inability to manage, but if you’re turning the deciding game over to a human sweatbox and a guy whose nickname was “The Steamer”, you have issues. I wouldn’t trust either of those guys to order a pizza, let alone close out the deciding game of the World Series. But I digress.

Second, how does burying a Red Sox jersey jinx or curse the Yankees? Wouldn’t all the concrete poured over it and then setting rip the jersey to shit, thereby immortalizing the tatters of the Red Sox organization for all eternity? Who comes up with this bright idea anyway? You’re going to jinx the Yankees by overpaying for an Ortiz jersey and burying it in the new Yankee Stadium? Was this guy a Rhodes Scholar? If you want to jinx the Yankees, do something useful. You could hire a transvestite hooker to give Jeter a STD. That would work. See, that would be doing something useful, not something pathetic and dumb. Plus, he’s risking his high paying, do nothing union job to pull this off. If this guy is some family’s main source of income, I think a little relocation is in order. Now I hear the Yankees are threatening some sort of legal action. Man, this guy needs to buy a lottery ticket, because everything is going right.

Third, how is this even news? Who cares if some mouth breather buried a jersey into some building? This is considered news to all the people who care about the next thing “Mother of the Year” candidate Britney Spears is doing. I could care less, but some pink-hatted freak who thinks that Varitek is “so cute” is reading every article on this. By the by, the pink-hatted freaks are also the reason I can’t get tickets. Yet the Boston Media picks up on this and writes a bunch of articles and talks about it on sports radio and run news stories about it on TV. And don’t get me started on the New York media. Wasn’t winning the World Series suppose to cure “Red Sox Nation” of there habitual idiocy? If anything, it’s made it worse. It makes every Red Sox fan look sad, pathetic, ungracious, and annoying. I’m none of those things, yet I get lumped in because of this. Not only this, but the coverage of this, where ESPN and local TV go to “the streets” and talk to the unshowered, drunken masses of Boston who say dumb shit and make us all look like we drink PBR and don’t know what soap is (you know, like people from Indianapolis). Of course, most of these people are kids at the fine institutions of higher learning the in the Boston area who are spending mommy and daddy’s money to drink, smoke, and get laid for 4 straight years.

Alright, I have to quit before this turns into more of a nonsensical rant than it already is. I can’t wait to read the new and refreshing twist Bill Simmons is about to put on this. Just thinking about it is giving me a headache.

Just Say No

I know it’s been a while, and my only excuse is that I’m extremely lame. There, I admitted it, so let’s roll. I want to talk about TV as the educator. I remember when I was younger watching TV shows that were trying to send me a message. The message was that drugs and drinking were bad things. I’m going to run down for you the Top 5 anti-drug/anti-drinking TV episodes of all time (please note, if I was writing about the glorification of drugs, number 1 would be the “90210” episode where Dylan chased the dragon and then drove his car off the road. That was classic).

5) “Mr. Belvedere” – Kevin Likes the Booze – “Mr. Belvedere” was a classic 80’s show about a Pennsylvania family that hires and English housekeeper and hilarity ensues. Anyway, the oldest son Kevin is a popular guy who would definitely be going to parties, so Mom and Dad tell him that if he’s at a party and drinks, that it’s okay, just give them a call so he doesn’t drive drunk. Well, Kevin takes this as an invitation and decides to get annihilated at every party he goes to. Mom and Dad have enough of this and put there collective foots down, teaching us all that don’t drive drunk and don’t drink period unless you are consenting adult. Extra irony points for the fact that Bob Uecker was the Dad and also a spokesman for Miller Lite. The old man was probably just pissed because Kevin was drinking Bud.

4) “The OC” – Tijuana Baby – The whole gang decides to drive down to TJ for a little after summer party. I know I used to do that at the end of every summer. Basically, TJ is a lawless area where drugs and booze are readily available, and good thing, because Marissa wants a little of both. After catching her boyfriend macking some whore, Marissa runs off to the nearest sleazy bar and starts hitting the tequila hard. Seeing as that isn’t doing the trick, she also decides to take a fist full of muscle relaxers. Good times! Realizing that being in this condition in a bar full of overweight, sleazy townies, she decides to stumble out into some alley and pass out. Yeah, the alley is much safer than a filthy bar. Ryan appears and carries her lifeless body out of the alley and it fades to black. If she had just died of the OD, it would have saved us from the horrible acting of the obnoxious, deluded, and self-absorbed Mischa Barton. It also would have saved the show, since her horrible acting pretty much killed it. Extra irony points for the fact that Mischa Barton recently got nabbed for DUI.

3) “Growing Pains” – The Bathroom” – The sad thing about this episode was that I hadn’t seen it in at least 10 years, but when it popped up on Nick at Nite a few months ago, I knew which episode it was within 5 seconds (much to the chagrin of the Duchess). Basically, Mike and his friends go to a party hosted by teenage Kristy Swanson. At the party, party guests are encouraged to “go to the bathroom”. The bathroom was obviously decorated by Pablo Escobar, because that is where everyone is snorting the coke. We find out that Kristy swiped the blow from her parents. My question (which went unanswered) was how was she going to replace it? I don’t think Baking Soda would do the trick. Did her parents have a kilo, because everyone was doing it? Anyway, Kristy and her friends beckon Mike and his friends to the bathroom. After serious debate, Mike leaves while his friends stay. Mike has a heart-to-heart with Old Man Seaver about this and he does the typical 80’s dad thing and says that drugs are bad and he’s proud of Mike. We also learn that Mike’s friends didn’t go to the bathroom. This gets extra points because it has Kirk Cameron in a special after episode “don’t do drugs” spot.

2) “California Dreams” – Roid Rage – Anyone who doesn’t know the show “California Dreams” can just leave right now (think “Saved by the Bell” if the Bell had revolved around The Zack Attack). Bright, bubbly Tiffani needs a little help when it comes to volleyball. So, instead of practicing and working out, she turns to steroids. The over the top acting by Kelly Packard in this one is what sells it. She takes roids like once and all of a sudden, she’s snapping at people and throwing crap around. I’m laughing just thinking about it. It was just so unintentionally funny. However, its running mate on Saturday morning takes the cake.

1) “Saved by the Bell” – I’m So Excited About The Tartikoff – The number 1 spot actually goes to two separate Bell episodes. The first was the when where Bayside High was going to host an anti-drug commercial that was going to star some flavor of the month teen heartthrob. He meets the kids and immediately asks out Kelly. Since Kelly is willing to spread her legs for any pretty boy (see Zack and Slater), she says yes and they go to a party (he invites the other to come along too). At the party, the pretty boy starts rocking the ganja, much to Kelly’s shock. He offers her a hit and she declines, leading to one of the funniest lines in Bell history (“Look guys, she’s just saying no”). Zack comes in and finds out and takes her outta there. At the shoot the next day, Zack tries to teach the teen heartthrob the meaning of the word “hypocrisy” (which he doesn’t understand), so the gang walks off the commercial. Belding, upon hearing the story, calls his good friend to come up with a solution. His good friend just happens to be the head of NBC, Brandon Tartikoff, who shows up and stars in the commercial with the kids. Feel good ending.

The second episode really doesn’t need any introduction. All you need to read is Jessie Spano, caffeine pills, and me bursting into laughter every time I hear “I’m So Excited” on the radio.