Oh man, it’s the best time of the year not associated with a bearded fat man. That’s right; it’s the beginning of college football season. I’m not sure what I’m more excited about, the fact that I get college football every Saturday until December or that I just found out that someone uploaded the second season of Ashes to Ashes to YouTube (take that BBC America). More on my giddy enthusiasm later. Now, on to the Touchdown.
1) No. 5 Alabama vs. No. 7 Virginia Tech – 8:00 on ABC in Atlanta
Oh man, this game is causing this Clemson fan to have flashbacks to last years opener in which Alabama demolished the Tigers in route to a BCS bowl. I think if you look at this, you’ll have pretty much that same result as last year.
Even though Bama has a new QB in Greg McElroy, there defense is coming back with eight starters, and that will be the key for them all year. Now, VT will have the same starting QB they had last year, but Tyrod Taylor isn’t exactly Steady Eddie. Plus, they lost their running back to an ACL tear and get a redshirt freshman in the backfield. Good times….if you’re the Bama defense. I seriously think Bama takes this with ease.
2) No. 13 Georgia at No. 9 Oklahoma State – 3:30 on ABC
I’m a little excited about this game, because I get to see one of the reasons I changed my opinion about the Big 12, Oklahoma State. Yes, expect me to carry the Cowboy’s water all season long in the Touchdown.
Oklahoma State comes in with one of the most explosive offenses in the country with QB Zac Robinson, RB Kendall Hunter, and WR Dez Bryant. Expect them to light up the scoreboard. On the flip side, I would expect Georgia to play steady ball feeding the ball to their RB’s and trying to stretch the field with AJ Green.
The Cowboy’s problem is the same as every Big 12 team with a good offense. They face a good defense and they buckle like a belt (see Oklahoma, Oklahoma State, and Texas Tech from last year). I think Georgia can keep it close, but the Oklahoma State offense will carry the day.
3) No. 16 Oregon at No. 14 Boise State – 10:15 on ESPN on 9/3
You know its college football time when you see blue turf. This is a rematch of last year’s opening game between the two, in which Boise State beat Oregon on their home field. It’s for that reason that Oregon is fired up for this one.
Oregon’s starting QB, Jeremiah Masoli, was very effective last year but was inconsequential in last year’s game when he was knocked out of the game by a late hit and he’s looking for a little payback. Although the Duck’s lost their starting running back to the NFL, the back-up did gain 1,000 yards and is ready to carry the load.
Boise State, on the other hand, had one of the top scoring defenses in the country last year and hasn’t lost a regular season game at home since 2001. Oregon will be the team that ends that streak.
4) No. 20 BYU vs. No. 3 Oklahoma - 7:00 on ESPN in Arlington, TX
Two of the best QB’s in the country get to face off against one another as Max Hall leads the BYU Cougars against Sam Bradford and Oklahoma. As we all know, Oklahoma went on to lose, again, to an SEC opponent in the National Championship Game (they are like Ohio State at this point). I have to try and steer clear of my “Why Oklahoma Sucks” rant.
I think BYU has this one. Now, before you start laughing hysterically, I actually have a good reason for this. While BYU is mega-talented, they have nothing to play for. They want nothing more to take it to Oklahoma and prove they deserve some acclaim. Oklahoma, on the other hand, has to try and avenge the loss from last year and shake the “Ohio State” label that I slapped them with.
Florida was nice enough to write the “How To Beat Oklahoma” handbook last year. Tip Number 1; harass the hell out of Sam Bradford. With four new starters on the offensive line, I expect this will easier than last year. BYU will need to hit early and often when they have the ball and try and disrupt Bradford, which I think they can do. Okay, you can start to laugh now.
5) No. 11 LSU at Washington – 10:30 on ESPN
Normally this game wouldn’t do anything for me, but I love the QB in this game. If you think I’m talking about Jordan Jefferson, just stop reading now. I’m a big time Jake Locker fan.
We should get to see Locker air it out with new coach and former USC offensive coordinator Steve Sarkisian at the helm. I have a strong suspicion that Washington will do better this year than their winless effort last year. However, that is not to say they will beat LSU.
LSU, even with shaky QB play, should take this handily against the poor defense of Washington. There is only so much Locker can do, and while I think they will win some good games this year, this isn’t one of them.
6) Miami at No. 18 Florida State – 8:00 on ESPN on 9/7
Remember when this game used to have National Championship implications for both teams? Remember when we would all eagerly anticipate this game? Now, they are just fighting for the middle of the ACC standings.
Extra Point:
7) While I’m all excited about the return of college football, my wife is on the other end of the spectrum. Her reaction when I mentioned it last week: “oh great, I lose my husband for every Saturday for the next 4 months.” It’s just been so long dealing with prima donna professional athletes, performance enhancing drugs, and contract holdouts that I just want something a little more pure in my sports. Thankfully, we have college football. Yes, it has its flaws, but there is just something about it that makes me feel that this is what sports are all about. Especially when Ohio State and Oklahoma lose.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Addendum to Yesterday
Because I’m a lazy, forgetful bitch, I totally forgot one of the points I was going to make in my last entry, so I’m making it now. So, consider this an addendum to yesterday’s entry.
I’ve noticed recently that Sci-Fi Channel (or Syfy or whatever the hell they are calling themselves this week) has a major hard-on over Nikola Tesla. For those too lazy to click on the Wikipedia link, Tesla was Serbian investor and mechanical and electrical engineer. The reason we have electricity is mostly because of his work. He is also regarded as the inventor of the radio. So, he’s pretty high class, yet not so well known.
Anyway, three current Syfy shows future Tesla or his inventions in some way. First, let’s look at Eureka. Of course you would expect a town full of scientists and eggheads to bow down to anything scientific. So, the town’s high school is named Tesla, and their school mascot is the Coils. Cute.
Then, we move to Sanctuary. In this show, Tesla portrays a former colleague of Helen Magnus and one of his scientific experiments turned him into a vampire. He also pretty much becomes the bad guy at the end of the season. So, not such a positive portrayal.
Lastly, we come to the new Syfy show Warehouse 13. Not only did Tesla help design the actual warehouse, but his inventions are still used by the team. We get the Tesla Gun, which, while horribly temperamental, shoots electrical energy to incapacitate the victim and wipe their short-term memory. Think of it like a low-end taser.
Now, I get the fact that Syfy needs to ground itself in science in order to give us plausible fiction, but why is it always Tesla? Why can’t you give us some other crackpot scientist? I don’t have anything against Tesla, I just want some variety. Of course, I wonder why they are even trying to be plausible. I mean, they didn’t do that in the Syfy movie "Yeti" and I still shudder when I think about that piece of crap.
I’ve noticed recently that Sci-Fi Channel (or Syfy or whatever the hell they are calling themselves this week) has a major hard-on over Nikola Tesla. For those too lazy to click on the Wikipedia link, Tesla was Serbian investor and mechanical and electrical engineer. The reason we have electricity is mostly because of his work. He is also regarded as the inventor of the radio. So, he’s pretty high class, yet not so well known.
Anyway, three current Syfy shows future Tesla or his inventions in some way. First, let’s look at Eureka. Of course you would expect a town full of scientists and eggheads to bow down to anything scientific. So, the town’s high school is named Tesla, and their school mascot is the Coils. Cute.
Then, we move to Sanctuary. In this show, Tesla portrays a former colleague of Helen Magnus and one of his scientific experiments turned him into a vampire. He also pretty much becomes the bad guy at the end of the season. So, not such a positive portrayal.
Lastly, we come to the new Syfy show Warehouse 13. Not only did Tesla help design the actual warehouse, but his inventions are still used by the team. We get the Tesla Gun, which, while horribly temperamental, shoots electrical energy to incapacitate the victim and wipe their short-term memory. Think of it like a low-end taser.
Now, I get the fact that Syfy needs to ground itself in science in order to give us plausible fiction, but why is it always Tesla? Why can’t you give us some other crackpot scientist? I don’t have anything against Tesla, I just want some variety. Of course, I wonder why they are even trying to be plausible. I mean, they didn’t do that in the Syfy movie "Yeti" and I still shudder when I think about that piece of crap.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Tampons, Robin Hood, and Other Thoughts
I was watching the Red Sox/Yankees tussle on Saturday on FOX (because I like to torture myself with horrid commentary) and I heard one of the most inane things ever uttered that didn’t come from the mouth of Tim McCarver. Ken Rosenthal, reporting from some deep, dark area of Fenway, said that it would be a good thing for the Sox to add Billy Wagner because he would be a left handed compliment to Hideki Okajima.
I actually had to rewind to make sure I heard that correctly. That would have been a perfectly normal statement to make if Okajima wasn’t a lefty. Unfortunately for Rosenthal, he is a lefty. Saying this is like saying you need to add Kim Kardashian to the cast of The Ghost Whisper because you need a busty, brunette compliment to Jennifer Love Hewitt. Hey Rosenthal, hand the mic to someone who does their homework.
Another highlight was when McCarver was droning on about some old time baseball story that he likes to bore us with. It wasn’t the story itself, but more the reaction of the Duchess. When telling the story, the camera focused on center field, which had a huge sign for Stop & Shop on it, which is the official grocery store of the Boston Red Sox.
If you live in New England, the Boston Red Sox have an official everything, and those places advertise the fact (i.e. Jordan’s is the official furniture store of the Boston Red Sox). I think the Duchess finally snapped, because all of a sudden she’s like “Can you tell me what the official tampon is of the Boston Red Sox, because I want to buy that?” Its times like this that make me realize why I married her.
Now, I’ve been pretty amped about this summer’s string of good shows. My DVR has been running pretty much every night. However, I finally had an ad make me sit up and take notice. Yes, come September, BBC America is bringing us the third season of Robin Hood. Before you scoff, it’s actually a good show. Not only that, they took a huge chance by killing off Maid Marian at the end of the second season. I personally want to see how they balance Robin’s moral compass with his overall burning desire to kill Gisborne.
Frankly, if I was Robin, I would have put in arrow in the chest of the Sherriff by the second episode and Gisborne not very long after. Of course, you don’t have much of a show after that, but I’ve never really been a big picture sort of guy.
I actually had to rewind to make sure I heard that correctly. That would have been a perfectly normal statement to make if Okajima wasn’t a lefty. Unfortunately for Rosenthal, he is a lefty. Saying this is like saying you need to add Kim Kardashian to the cast of The Ghost Whisper because you need a busty, brunette compliment to Jennifer Love Hewitt. Hey Rosenthal, hand the mic to someone who does their homework.
Another highlight was when McCarver was droning on about some old time baseball story that he likes to bore us with. It wasn’t the story itself, but more the reaction of the Duchess. When telling the story, the camera focused on center field, which had a huge sign for Stop & Shop on it, which is the official grocery store of the Boston Red Sox.
If you live in New England, the Boston Red Sox have an official everything, and those places advertise the fact (i.e. Jordan’s is the official furniture store of the Boston Red Sox). I think the Duchess finally snapped, because all of a sudden she’s like “Can you tell me what the official tampon is of the Boston Red Sox, because I want to buy that?” Its times like this that make me realize why I married her.
Now, I’ve been pretty amped about this summer’s string of good shows. My DVR has been running pretty much every night. However, I finally had an ad make me sit up and take notice. Yes, come September, BBC America is bringing us the third season of Robin Hood. Before you scoff, it’s actually a good show. Not only that, they took a huge chance by killing off Maid Marian at the end of the second season. I personally want to see how they balance Robin’s moral compass with his overall burning desire to kill Gisborne.
Frankly, if I was Robin, I would have put in arrow in the chest of the Sherriff by the second episode and Gisborne not very long after. Of course, you don’t have much of a show after that, but I’ve never really been a big picture sort of guy.
Friday, July 31, 2009
David Ortiz, Steroids, and Red Sox Nation
When I was six years old growing up in the wilds of Vermont, I knew three basic truths about the world I lived in. One, that Scooby Doo would always foil the plans of some evil do-er. Two, that my Atari was my most prized possession. Three, that the Red Sox were always good and, conversely, that the Yankees were always evil. Then I grew up and became more jaded and apathetic.
While I am still a Red Sox fan, I can’t get up the shock and outrage about the David Ortiz PED revelation. Not because I’m some boot-licking homer, but because I kind of expected it. The problem was that there was no real Barry Bonds-esque change where you were like “well, he’s definitely on something”. Every number, every thing he did could be attributed to some non-chemical explanation.
The problem is that you can play the guessing game with everyone. My buddy D.B. (a Yankee fan) and I went back and forth yesterday on whom we thought on the 2004 Red Sox was also on the juice. I ended it when I told him that the whole team could have tested positive and I wouldn’t be surprised, but also that they could all be clean and I would have the same reaction. Everyone is suspect. The clean players are going to have live with the fact that there will be people who think they cheated and the dirty players are going to have live with the fact that they are cheaters.
The only good part of this whole thing is the idiocy displayed by the pink-hatted members of “Red Sox Nation”. They are backtracking so fast, it is downright hilarious. They were so fast to demonize the Yankees when A-Rod, Giambi, or Pettitte made a list, but now have to play defense.
The most common excuse is that “everyone did it”. The attempt here is to quash any notion that the titles in 2004 and 2007 are in some way “tainted”. But are they? Without comprehensive testing of all players, on all team, for all substances, no teams championships are tainted, be it the Yankees, the Red Sox, or anyone else. This was my contention when Yankees’ players were being named and it’s my contention now.
The most ludicrous (and I still laugh when I hear it) is the “somebody slipped him something” defense. It goes hand in hand with the “bad batch defense”. Basically, either somebody slipped something into a drink of his or he got a sketchy batch of Andro or some supplement from GNC. The point being that this would exonerate Big Papi while still being able to demonize the Yankees. It’s a pathetic excuse.
You need to put it into the realm of possibility that the easiest answer is probably the right one. He saw his career on the razors edge and needed something, anything to keep it alive. He talked to a “trainer”, got his hands on some performance enhancing substance, and took it to save his career. Is it really that far out of the realm of possibility?
So here’s a note to all the apologists. Just stop. He did it and got caught. You can still root for him and this doesn’t change what happened in 2004 and 2007. You just can’t demonize anyone else who got caught. You can’t cackle with glee the next time someone like Clemens or A-Rod gets caught. You have to sit there, take it, and keep your mouth shut. You know, its times like this that it’s fun to be a sane Red Sox fan.
While I am still a Red Sox fan, I can’t get up the shock and outrage about the David Ortiz PED revelation. Not because I’m some boot-licking homer, but because I kind of expected it. The problem was that there was no real Barry Bonds-esque change where you were like “well, he’s definitely on something”. Every number, every thing he did could be attributed to some non-chemical explanation.
The problem is that you can play the guessing game with everyone. My buddy D.B. (a Yankee fan) and I went back and forth yesterday on whom we thought on the 2004 Red Sox was also on the juice. I ended it when I told him that the whole team could have tested positive and I wouldn’t be surprised, but also that they could all be clean and I would have the same reaction. Everyone is suspect. The clean players are going to have live with the fact that there will be people who think they cheated and the dirty players are going to have live with the fact that they are cheaters.
The only good part of this whole thing is the idiocy displayed by the pink-hatted members of “Red Sox Nation”. They are backtracking so fast, it is downright hilarious. They were so fast to demonize the Yankees when A-Rod, Giambi, or Pettitte made a list, but now have to play defense.
The most common excuse is that “everyone did it”. The attempt here is to quash any notion that the titles in 2004 and 2007 are in some way “tainted”. But are they? Without comprehensive testing of all players, on all team, for all substances, no teams championships are tainted, be it the Yankees, the Red Sox, or anyone else. This was my contention when Yankees’ players were being named and it’s my contention now.
The most ludicrous (and I still laugh when I hear it) is the “somebody slipped him something” defense. It goes hand in hand with the “bad batch defense”. Basically, either somebody slipped something into a drink of his or he got a sketchy batch of Andro or some supplement from GNC. The point being that this would exonerate Big Papi while still being able to demonize the Yankees. It’s a pathetic excuse.
You need to put it into the realm of possibility that the easiest answer is probably the right one. He saw his career on the razors edge and needed something, anything to keep it alive. He talked to a “trainer”, got his hands on some performance enhancing substance, and took it to save his career. Is it really that far out of the realm of possibility?
So here’s a note to all the apologists. Just stop. He did it and got caught. You can still root for him and this doesn’t change what happened in 2004 and 2007. You just can’t demonize anyone else who got caught. You can’t cackle with glee the next time someone like Clemens or A-Rod gets caught. You have to sit there, take it, and keep your mouth shut. You know, its times like this that it’s fun to be a sane Red Sox fan.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Jabba the Hutt: Misunderstood Hero
I was watching Return of the Jedi last week (well, only the first 30 minutes) and I realized the Jabba the Hutt was getting a raw deal. One the surface of it, he is the vile gangster that they portray him as. I mean, he has Han in carbonite, Leia in that slave outfit, and wants to put Luke to death, but if you really dig into it, he’s just a misunderstood business-slug.
First off, Hutt’s are your stereotypical gangsters/criminal masterminds (there are more stereotypes in Star Wars than in Harry Potter) and Jabba is portrayed as such. However, you have to look at where he was. He wasn’t in some Core World or even a planet that has some natural resources; he was in the desert world of Tatooine.
Tatooine is a backwater planet that the Empire and Old Republic don’t even bother with, leaving it as a lawless wasteland. Jabba pretty much installs himself as local warlord and pretty much everyone is happy. I mean, you have moisture farming and pod-racing and the surge that is the Sand People is pretty much contained (as long as you don’t do something stupid).
Now, Jabba needs some cash inflow, so he does some things that people in more civilized cultures would consider crimes. The biggest would probably be the smuggling of spice, but maybe he was handling it like the Godfather and the Heads of the Five Families handed the drug trade. It was there and needed to be dealt with, so why not profit from it but run it like a business and keep it away from schools and kids. I mean, there are going to be losers out there who want to get high, let them kill themselves, they are a drag on society anyway.
So anyway, Jabba needs to hire smugglers to get the stuff where it needs to go and hires Han Solo. Solo sees an Imperial cruiser, gets skittish, dumps his cargo and bolts. The problem is that Jabba needs his money or the cargo. All Solo has is a Wookie. So Solo bolts and takes off. Now, Jabba’s a nice guy, but he needs to make an example out of Solo, so other smugglers don’t walk all over him. Jabba outsources the job to some bounty hunters and goes back to making sure Tatooine enjoys high employment and relative safety.
Now, Vader catches Solo first and encases him in carbonite. Jabba had nothing to do with this. When Boba Fett delivers Solo to Jabba, he’s in a quandary. He can either unfreeze him and kill him (I mean, the guy did run) or keep him in carbonite. Keeping him alive and in carbonite makes him lasting example and gives Jabba the out so he doesn’t need to kill him.
Then, Leia comes in, disguised as a bounty hunter and tries to break Solo out. She doesn’t even try and negotiate, just comes in, unfreezes him, and tries to sneak him out. Now Jabba needs to make an example of her. So, instead of killing her, she just makes a dancing girl out of her.
Then we come to Luke. That brash asshole using force to get past Jabba’s guards and a mind trick on his major domo to get an audience with Jabba. Then, he tries to use the same mind trick on Jabba to get Solo and his friends. No bargaining, just demands. Then he pulls a gun on him. Jabba does the only thing he can; he hits the trap door that will drop Luke into the rancor’s pit. It was either that or he gets a blaster hole in his gut. Luke ends up killing the rancor and I bet those things aren’t cheap.
At this point, Jabba has had enough. He’s got a business to run. So, he gathers up Luke, Solo, and Chewy and decides to take them out to the Dune Sea and kill them. He gives them a chance to bargain for their lives, but they decide on insults and more demands (“Free us or die”, yeah real productive). Of course we know what happens, Luke and his terrorist buddies escape, but not before killing scores of people (including Jabba), destroying private property, and descending Tatooine into lawless chaos.
Jabba was just doing what he needed to do to survive and run a successful business. He’s got to deal with people coming in and making demands, trying to steal from him, and trying to kill him. This was an out and out hit job orchestrated by Luke Skywalker and his little cadre of ne’er-do-wells. He never wanted to “bargain for Solo’s life”, but wanted to kill Jabba and take what he wanted. He’s no better than the Emperor.
Luke’s little vendetta caused a lot of people jobs. I mean, I don’t know what “dancing girl” pays, but its better than living on the streets, turning tricks in the alleys of Mos Eisley’s or stripping at Anchorhead’s local “gentleman’s clubs”. If you’re a kid growing up on Tatooine and your only discernable skill is “hired thug”, you always had a job waiting for you at Jabba’s Palace. Well, not anymore. Thanks to Luke, the unemployment rate was due to skyrocket on Tatooine.
First off, Hutt’s are your stereotypical gangsters/criminal masterminds (there are more stereotypes in Star Wars than in Harry Potter) and Jabba is portrayed as such. However, you have to look at where he was. He wasn’t in some Core World or even a planet that has some natural resources; he was in the desert world of Tatooine.
Tatooine is a backwater planet that the Empire and Old Republic don’t even bother with, leaving it as a lawless wasteland. Jabba pretty much installs himself as local warlord and pretty much everyone is happy. I mean, you have moisture farming and pod-racing and the surge that is the Sand People is pretty much contained (as long as you don’t do something stupid).
Now, Jabba needs some cash inflow, so he does some things that people in more civilized cultures would consider crimes. The biggest would probably be the smuggling of spice, but maybe he was handling it like the Godfather and the Heads of the Five Families handed the drug trade. It was there and needed to be dealt with, so why not profit from it but run it like a business and keep it away from schools and kids. I mean, there are going to be losers out there who want to get high, let them kill themselves, they are a drag on society anyway.
So anyway, Jabba needs to hire smugglers to get the stuff where it needs to go and hires Han Solo. Solo sees an Imperial cruiser, gets skittish, dumps his cargo and bolts. The problem is that Jabba needs his money or the cargo. All Solo has is a Wookie. So Solo bolts and takes off. Now, Jabba’s a nice guy, but he needs to make an example out of Solo, so other smugglers don’t walk all over him. Jabba outsources the job to some bounty hunters and goes back to making sure Tatooine enjoys high employment and relative safety.
Now, Vader catches Solo first and encases him in carbonite. Jabba had nothing to do with this. When Boba Fett delivers Solo to Jabba, he’s in a quandary. He can either unfreeze him and kill him (I mean, the guy did run) or keep him in carbonite. Keeping him alive and in carbonite makes him lasting example and gives Jabba the out so he doesn’t need to kill him.
Then, Leia comes in, disguised as a bounty hunter and tries to break Solo out. She doesn’t even try and negotiate, just comes in, unfreezes him, and tries to sneak him out. Now Jabba needs to make an example of her. So, instead of killing her, she just makes a dancing girl out of her.
Then we come to Luke. That brash asshole using force to get past Jabba’s guards and a mind trick on his major domo to get an audience with Jabba. Then, he tries to use the same mind trick on Jabba to get Solo and his friends. No bargaining, just demands. Then he pulls a gun on him. Jabba does the only thing he can; he hits the trap door that will drop Luke into the rancor’s pit. It was either that or he gets a blaster hole in his gut. Luke ends up killing the rancor and I bet those things aren’t cheap.
At this point, Jabba has had enough. He’s got a business to run. So, he gathers up Luke, Solo, and Chewy and decides to take them out to the Dune Sea and kill them. He gives them a chance to bargain for their lives, but they decide on insults and more demands (“Free us or die”, yeah real productive). Of course we know what happens, Luke and his terrorist buddies escape, but not before killing scores of people (including Jabba), destroying private property, and descending Tatooine into lawless chaos.
Jabba was just doing what he needed to do to survive and run a successful business. He’s got to deal with people coming in and making demands, trying to steal from him, and trying to kill him. This was an out and out hit job orchestrated by Luke Skywalker and his little cadre of ne’er-do-wells. He never wanted to “bargain for Solo’s life”, but wanted to kill Jabba and take what he wanted. He’s no better than the Emperor.
Luke’s little vendetta caused a lot of people jobs. I mean, I don’t know what “dancing girl” pays, but its better than living on the streets, turning tricks in the alleys of Mos Eisley’s or stripping at Anchorhead’s local “gentleman’s clubs”. If you’re a kid growing up on Tatooine and your only discernable skill is “hired thug”, you always had a job waiting for you at Jabba’s Palace. Well, not anymore. Thanks to Luke, the unemployment rate was due to skyrocket on Tatooine.
Monday, July 20, 2009
The Apocalypse, The Half-Blood Prince, and Other Thoughts
I’m horrible at writing all of a sudden, but I’ll throw out some random thoughts and might have more stuff later in the week. This is what happens when you work for a living. Damn job.
On Friday, I packed up the Duchess and jetting out of the Boston area as fast as possible to head for the country, in order to avoid the impending Apocalypse. The signs were unmistakable. One, the Disney Channel was crossing over their three most successful shows into a 90 minute tween-a-thon (The Wizards of Waverly Place, The Suite Life on Deck, and Hannah Montana). It must have been like one of those commercials you see on that channel where Disney wrangles all their cattle, er, I mean talent, to tell us that the youth of this country should be egotistical and believe that they can save the planet. Whatever.
I tell this to the Duchess and she laughs at me, thinking I’ve finally snapped and gone crazy (too late). Then the second sign hits and we find out the Jonas Brothers are in concert in Boston that night. She then starts to think I’m on to something and grudgingly agrees to leave town.
So, I’m in the wilds of Vermont when the third sign hit. We’re watching the Conan O’Brien and his “musical” guest is Demi Lovato and she’s debuting her new song. At this point, I’m gathering canned goods and looking to build a bomb shelter. Thankfully, we lived to see another day in which tween stars may finally trigger the mass extinction of the human race.
While in Vermont, the only form of entertainment that wouldn’t lead to Cirrhosis of the liver was the old school Nintendo system. I wake up on Saturday, glad to still be alive, and find the Duchess playing Super Mario Brothers 3. Not only that, but she had cut her hand by playing too aggressively and gripping the controller with too much pressure. It’s times like this that make me realize I’m lucky to have married her.
While driving back to Mass the other day, I needed a little pick-me-up so I went to Dunkin Donuts and got an Iced Tea. I seriously think that they lace their drinks with something. I mean, their Iced Tea isn’t that great, yet I run to D & D whenever I can like a junkie trying to get a fix. The same happened with their lemonade coolata’s a couple of years ago. Anyway, I order and I’m on the highway before I realize that I didn’t get Iced Tea, but some sort of bastardized Ice Tea/Coffee/Lemon mix. Now, I hate coffee and this was pretty much of the more disgusting things I’ve ever tasted. Yet, I kept drinking it. It was like my brain was trying to convince me that the taste wasn’t that bad. See, it was laced with something. Screw the tobacco companies; I want D & D investigated.
Programming note, the Torchwood mini-series "Children of Earth" premieres tonight on BBC America and runs every night until the conclusion on Friday. While I’ve noted that BBC America has been running some absolute filth recently, this will definitely be stand out.
Speaking of stand out, the new Harry Potter movie debuted this weekend, and based on the numbers, I think everyone but me was at a theatre to watch it. Now, I’ve been a little skittish about watching this and not just because a Harry all hopped up on love potions makes out with Ginny (if you really look at it, that is the most plausible explanation). The book was horrible, but as the Duchess pointed out, the make the good books into bad movies (Goblet of Fire) and the bad books into good movies (Order of the Phoenix).
Now, if you think about it, this makes sense. I mean, the worst part of the Order of the Phoenix book was the Harry was a whiny little pussy. They moved away from that aspect and gave us some action (sort of). One of the main things I hated about Half Blood Prince was the characterization issues. I mean, when did Hermione turn into an empty-headed, boy-crazed, self-absorbed brat who turned her back on her best friend when he needed her most? Seriously, she wasn’t Lavender Brown. Also, Harry is coming off a 12 month span where Voldermort is resurrected, Cedric and Sirius die, and he learns of the prophecy and he only seems to be paranoid about Malfoy and thinking about jumping Ginny. Shouldn’t he have taken the bull by the horns here and started some serious training? I mean, how is a school boy going to beat a dark wizard with 50 years of magical experience on him? A disarming jinx? Oh, wait, I’m sorry, forget I said anything.
On Friday, I packed up the Duchess and jetting out of the Boston area as fast as possible to head for the country, in order to avoid the impending Apocalypse. The signs were unmistakable. One, the Disney Channel was crossing over their three most successful shows into a 90 minute tween-a-thon (The Wizards of Waverly Place, The Suite Life on Deck, and Hannah Montana). It must have been like one of those commercials you see on that channel where Disney wrangles all their cattle, er, I mean talent, to tell us that the youth of this country should be egotistical and believe that they can save the planet. Whatever.
I tell this to the Duchess and she laughs at me, thinking I’ve finally snapped and gone crazy (too late). Then the second sign hits and we find out the Jonas Brothers are in concert in Boston that night. She then starts to think I’m on to something and grudgingly agrees to leave town.
So, I’m in the wilds of Vermont when the third sign hit. We’re watching the Conan O’Brien and his “musical” guest is Demi Lovato and she’s debuting her new song. At this point, I’m gathering canned goods and looking to build a bomb shelter. Thankfully, we lived to see another day in which tween stars may finally trigger the mass extinction of the human race.
While in Vermont, the only form of entertainment that wouldn’t lead to Cirrhosis of the liver was the old school Nintendo system. I wake up on Saturday, glad to still be alive, and find the Duchess playing Super Mario Brothers 3. Not only that, but she had cut her hand by playing too aggressively and gripping the controller with too much pressure. It’s times like this that make me realize I’m lucky to have married her.
While driving back to Mass the other day, I needed a little pick-me-up so I went to Dunkin Donuts and got an Iced Tea. I seriously think that they lace their drinks with something. I mean, their Iced Tea isn’t that great, yet I run to D & D whenever I can like a junkie trying to get a fix. The same happened with their lemonade coolata’s a couple of years ago. Anyway, I order and I’m on the highway before I realize that I didn’t get Iced Tea, but some sort of bastardized Ice Tea/Coffee/Lemon mix. Now, I hate coffee and this was pretty much of the more disgusting things I’ve ever tasted. Yet, I kept drinking it. It was like my brain was trying to convince me that the taste wasn’t that bad. See, it was laced with something. Screw the tobacco companies; I want D & D investigated.
Programming note, the Torchwood mini-series "Children of Earth" premieres tonight on BBC America and runs every night until the conclusion on Friday. While I’ve noted that BBC America has been running some absolute filth recently, this will definitely be stand out.
Speaking of stand out, the new Harry Potter movie debuted this weekend, and based on the numbers, I think everyone but me was at a theatre to watch it. Now, I’ve been a little skittish about watching this and not just because a Harry all hopped up on love potions makes out with Ginny (if you really look at it, that is the most plausible explanation). The book was horrible, but as the Duchess pointed out, the make the good books into bad movies (Goblet of Fire) and the bad books into good movies (Order of the Phoenix).
Now, if you think about it, this makes sense. I mean, the worst part of the Order of the Phoenix book was the Harry was a whiny little pussy. They moved away from that aspect and gave us some action (sort of). One of the main things I hated about Half Blood Prince was the characterization issues. I mean, when did Hermione turn into an empty-headed, boy-crazed, self-absorbed brat who turned her back on her best friend when he needed her most? Seriously, she wasn’t Lavender Brown. Also, Harry is coming off a 12 month span where Voldermort is resurrected, Cedric and Sirius die, and he learns of the prophecy and he only seems to be paranoid about Malfoy and thinking about jumping Ginny. Shouldn’t he have taken the bull by the horns here and started some serious training? I mean, how is a school boy going to beat a dark wizard with 50 years of magical experience on him? A disarming jinx? Oh, wait, I’m sorry, forget I said anything.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
1st Annual Trent Lane Season Finales Award Spectacular
Oh man, it’s been forever since I’ve written, and I blame my job. I mean, I don’t want to blame my laziness as it is one of my better qualities and I don’t want to blame my exposure to the dreaded writer’s block. My job will be my scapegoat, I mean; I blame it on everything else.
Anyway, I have wanted to write this entry for a while, but needed to wait until after last weekend as I went to visit Seamus in the 4th Circle of Hell (also known as upstate NY). The reason was because I was going to watch a season finale at his pad and this whole entry is dedicated to the season finales that just aired. So, without further adieu, I present the 1st Annual (only if I remember in the following years) Trent Lane Season Finales Award Spectacular. Unfortunately, I can’t afford a host or get a network to air it, so deal with reading it.
Award: The Finale That Is On Another Plain of Existence When Compared To All Other Shows.
Winner: Lost – “The Incident”
Why: Well, gee, let me think about that one. Not only was the whole season just kick ass, but the finale just blew it all away….literally. We get to meet the mysterious Jacob, learn a little bit about him and learn how Locke actually came back to life, yet creates so many questions it makes my head hurt.
I think my favorite part was when Miles actually asked the question I’ve been asking since this whole “let’s blow up the island” idea was hatched. That being “what if the bomb blowing up causes the incident?” When Juliet ended up at the bottom of the hole with the unexploded bomb, she hit it and the screen went white, I was left speechless for a full 5 minutes just trying to wrap my head around everything that happened. Good times.
Award: The “Are You Bloody Serious?” Award For Most Ludicrous Season Finale.
Winner: House – “Both Sides Now” & Bones – “The End is the Beginning” (Tie)
Why: Well, let’s deal with House first. Now, the show had been struggling with mediocrity all season…and losing. It pretty much hit the breaking point when Kutner committed suicide for no reason. In the episode prior, House asks Cuddy to help him because he is hallucinating (remember this word, it’ll appear again soon) and he feels he needs to detox from his addiction to Vicidin. At the end, they sleep together. Anyway, to make a long story short, we find out that the whole thing has been one big hallucination and House never slept with Cuddy and she never helped him detox. So, he checks himself into a psych ward.
This probably wouldn’t have been so bad if they hadn’t ripped themselves off from a few seasons ago when House was shot by a disgruntled patient. You know, the show has a simple premise – Sherlock Holmes with a stethoscope. You don’t need to sway from that. It just pisses me off that this show has gone completely in the toilet over the past couple of seasons.
Now, on to Bones. Throughout the season, Booth has been having hallucinations (again, that word) and at the end of the episode prior, he finally gets taken to the hospital and they find a brain tumor and he gets operated on. We open up the season finale with Bones jumping into bed with Booth (in the worst kept secret in TV show finale history). We learn very quickly that this isn’t the same show we remember, as Booth and Bones are married and run a nightclub. First rule of the alternate reality episode, you have to clue in the viewer no later than 30 minutes in or we get confused.
Skip to the end and we see Bones typing the story out on her laptop while sitting by Booth’s bed. He wakes up, says he had a strange dream, and asks Bones who she is. I wanted to throw my TV out the window at this point. Not only did it completely rip off House, but they producers lied to the viewers when they said that Bones and Booth would actually sleep together and it wouldn’t be a dream. It was just a crappy episode altogether that would have been better in the middle of the season, not at the end.
Award: The Best Finale That Doesn’t Involve Time Traveling, Mysterious Islands, Hydrogen Bombs, and ABC.
Winner: Fringe – “There’s More Than One of Everything”
Why: Holy Lord, I think J.J. Abrams is a genius. Overall, the episode didn’t really play out like a finale but more like another episode in the overall arc of the show. However, we finally get to meet the mysterious William Bell (played to perfection by Leonard Nimoy) and find out a little about how devoted a father Walter is.
While I think most everyone were blown away by the closing shot with Olivia looking out the window of one of the Twin Towers in New York in the alternate reality she past into, I was more blown away by the fact that Peter was not Walter’s actual son, but his son from an alternate reality. That the real Peter had died when he was a young boy was just shocking. This show proved it has the ability to go just about anywhere and this episode was the perfect example of that.
Award: Biggest One Hour Piece of Absolute Filth
Winner: Smallville – “Doomsday”
Why: The best part of Smallville in the past was always the season finale. No matter how torturous the season was, the finale always pulled it out of the fire. However this season, the finale just threw gas on the fire. I’m going to try and recount this without putting my fist through the computer monitor. I give myself a 50-50 chance.
Clark has finally come up with a way to defeat Doomsday. He’s going to separate the human from him and take on the beast (yeah, great plan). Anyway, he enlists Flash and Black Canary (not only looking female, but also like Black Canary) to steal Black Kryptonite. Anyway, long story short, they turn on Clark to Oliver, Chloe uses the Black Kryptonite to do the separation, Clark defeats Doomsday (in the lamest way possible) and Jimmy takes Chloe some place that overlooks the whole city that he bought her.
At this point, Jimmy has learned Clark’s secret and tells Chloe. She tells him that she was only with Davis to protect Clark. Well, the now human Davis hears this and kills Jimmy, who with his last breath kills Davis. Anyway, at the funeral, Chloe gives Jimmy’s little brother his camera, telling him that it belongs to him now, basically telling us that the little kid becomes the Jimmy Olsen we know, not the one who just died.
At this point, I was screaming obscenities at the television screen while Seamus was cackling like a man gone mad. Anyway, once I had calmed down, we get the end where Clark tells Chloe he needs to divest himself of all human entanglements because his morality and humanity got Jimmy killed. You know, you don’t need to do that, since Oliver is more than willing to get check his morality at the door and he gets to mack hot chicks while he’s at it. Clark is just too much of a pussy.
This whole episode just stunk to high heaven. I was embarrassed that I had it on my DVR. I was embarrassed that I wasted my time and watched it. I was embarrassed that I actually thought it might be good. I feel so unclean now; I need to take a shower.
Anyway, that concludes the awards show. Thank you all for coming. See you next year.
Anyway, I have wanted to write this entry for a while, but needed to wait until after last weekend as I went to visit Seamus in the 4th Circle of Hell (also known as upstate NY). The reason was because I was going to watch a season finale at his pad and this whole entry is dedicated to the season finales that just aired. So, without further adieu, I present the 1st Annual (only if I remember in the following years) Trent Lane Season Finales Award Spectacular. Unfortunately, I can’t afford a host or get a network to air it, so deal with reading it.
Award: The Finale That Is On Another Plain of Existence When Compared To All Other Shows.
Winner: Lost – “The Incident”
Why: Well, gee, let me think about that one. Not only was the whole season just kick ass, but the finale just blew it all away….literally. We get to meet the mysterious Jacob, learn a little bit about him and learn how Locke actually came back to life, yet creates so many questions it makes my head hurt.
I think my favorite part was when Miles actually asked the question I’ve been asking since this whole “let’s blow up the island” idea was hatched. That being “what if the bomb blowing up causes the incident?” When Juliet ended up at the bottom of the hole with the unexploded bomb, she hit it and the screen went white, I was left speechless for a full 5 minutes just trying to wrap my head around everything that happened. Good times.
Award: The “Are You Bloody Serious?” Award For Most Ludicrous Season Finale.
Winner: House – “Both Sides Now” & Bones – “The End is the Beginning” (Tie)
Why: Well, let’s deal with House first. Now, the show had been struggling with mediocrity all season…and losing. It pretty much hit the breaking point when Kutner committed suicide for no reason. In the episode prior, House asks Cuddy to help him because he is hallucinating (remember this word, it’ll appear again soon) and he feels he needs to detox from his addiction to Vicidin. At the end, they sleep together. Anyway, to make a long story short, we find out that the whole thing has been one big hallucination and House never slept with Cuddy and she never helped him detox. So, he checks himself into a psych ward.
This probably wouldn’t have been so bad if they hadn’t ripped themselves off from a few seasons ago when House was shot by a disgruntled patient. You know, the show has a simple premise – Sherlock Holmes with a stethoscope. You don’t need to sway from that. It just pisses me off that this show has gone completely in the toilet over the past couple of seasons.
Now, on to Bones. Throughout the season, Booth has been having hallucinations (again, that word) and at the end of the episode prior, he finally gets taken to the hospital and they find a brain tumor and he gets operated on. We open up the season finale with Bones jumping into bed with Booth (in the worst kept secret in TV show finale history). We learn very quickly that this isn’t the same show we remember, as Booth and Bones are married and run a nightclub. First rule of the alternate reality episode, you have to clue in the viewer no later than 30 minutes in or we get confused.
Skip to the end and we see Bones typing the story out on her laptop while sitting by Booth’s bed. He wakes up, says he had a strange dream, and asks Bones who she is. I wanted to throw my TV out the window at this point. Not only did it completely rip off House, but they producers lied to the viewers when they said that Bones and Booth would actually sleep together and it wouldn’t be a dream. It was just a crappy episode altogether that would have been better in the middle of the season, not at the end.
Award: The Best Finale That Doesn’t Involve Time Traveling, Mysterious Islands, Hydrogen Bombs, and ABC.
Winner: Fringe – “There’s More Than One of Everything”
Why: Holy Lord, I think J.J. Abrams is a genius. Overall, the episode didn’t really play out like a finale but more like another episode in the overall arc of the show. However, we finally get to meet the mysterious William Bell (played to perfection by Leonard Nimoy) and find out a little about how devoted a father Walter is.
While I think most everyone were blown away by the closing shot with Olivia looking out the window of one of the Twin Towers in New York in the alternate reality she past into, I was more blown away by the fact that Peter was not Walter’s actual son, but his son from an alternate reality. That the real Peter had died when he was a young boy was just shocking. This show proved it has the ability to go just about anywhere and this episode was the perfect example of that.
Award: Biggest One Hour Piece of Absolute Filth
Winner: Smallville – “Doomsday”
Why: The best part of Smallville in the past was always the season finale. No matter how torturous the season was, the finale always pulled it out of the fire. However this season, the finale just threw gas on the fire. I’m going to try and recount this without putting my fist through the computer monitor. I give myself a 50-50 chance.
Clark has finally come up with a way to defeat Doomsday. He’s going to separate the human from him and take on the beast (yeah, great plan). Anyway, he enlists Flash and Black Canary (not only looking female, but also like Black Canary) to steal Black Kryptonite. Anyway, long story short, they turn on Clark to Oliver, Chloe uses the Black Kryptonite to do the separation, Clark defeats Doomsday (in the lamest way possible) and Jimmy takes Chloe some place that overlooks the whole city that he bought her.
At this point, Jimmy has learned Clark’s secret and tells Chloe. She tells him that she was only with Davis to protect Clark. Well, the now human Davis hears this and kills Jimmy, who with his last breath kills Davis. Anyway, at the funeral, Chloe gives Jimmy’s little brother his camera, telling him that it belongs to him now, basically telling us that the little kid becomes the Jimmy Olsen we know, not the one who just died.
At this point, I was screaming obscenities at the television screen while Seamus was cackling like a man gone mad. Anyway, once I had calmed down, we get the end where Clark tells Chloe he needs to divest himself of all human entanglements because his morality and humanity got Jimmy killed. You know, you don’t need to do that, since Oliver is more than willing to get check his morality at the door and he gets to mack hot chicks while he’s at it. Clark is just too much of a pussy.
This whole episode just stunk to high heaven. I was embarrassed that I had it on my DVR. I was embarrassed that I wasted my time and watched it. I was embarrassed that I actually thought it might be good. I feel so unclean now; I need to take a shower.
Anyway, that concludes the awards show. Thank you all for coming. See you next year.
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